Listening to girls' conversations is a pleasure, and even if the girl reached adulthood in the last century, in the face of new love she is again inexperienced, seventeen years old and confused. Questions: “Why did he say that?”, “When will he call?” and “Why did you do this?” suddenly they again become the most pressing mysteries of our time for her, and the answer to them, as then, does not exist. Fortunately, her friends are now thirty-six and they have some versions, but the girl categorically does not like their versions, she prefers her own. He regularly disappears because he is difficult, not because of another woman. But there is no sex yet solely because of the delicate relationship. And he talks nonsense not out of stupidity, but... because. Because, that's all.
One trifle distinguishes the seventeen-year-old woman from herself: she “turned on the “girl” only for a while and is able to regain her brains at any moment, well, almost at any time. In the meantime, she's having fun. But if suddenly intellectual innocence refuses to switch off, it is useful to remember a few sad truths.
If a man regularly promises to call and does not call; if he says that he will arrive any minute and does not go; if he cancels a meeting half an hour before - this is not “romantic uncertainty”, perhaps you are being trained that way. Even if your beloved is far from pick-up artist culture, he could come up with some simple techniques on his own. To begin with, he turns the relationship from a partnership into a one-sided one. When you need to communicate, he is usually unavailable, but if he needs you for some reason, he will get you out of the ground. He will hang up the phone, write messages, demand meetings and appear on the doorstep without warning. Your “inner girl” will immediately decide that she is the one who was loved so much. In fact, she is trained to be on hand. Because she has only one function in this story - to wait for a signal. She herself cannot take the initiative, make an appointment or simply call, because the man turns out to be always busy. Try to imagine that in his place there is a colleague, a customer, or just a friend - and such treatment will make you burst with indignation. But for some reason it turned out that it was possible for Him.
It is not difficult to make a woman comfortable; you need to keep her in constant tension, occasionally reinforcing her with “nunches” - this is what trainers call small pieces of treats that are given to animals for correct behavior. So he calls and velvetly asks where she will spend the evening, clarifies the address and asks how long she will be there. Yeah, the woman thinks, yeah. He carefully arranges the hair on his head and saves it off in all other places, paints his face, chooses underwear and clothes, and every now and then plunges into dreams. He goes to visit and looks at the door all evening, imagining how he will come in now. Then he leaves, not letting go of the phone and hoping to see his car in the parking lot. In fact, he didn’t even think about coming, but just in case he brought her into good shape. And as a reward, the woman will receive a gentle SMS before bed and fall asleep happy.
Sometimes a woman runs out of patience and explodes. Then the man immediately finds himself at her feet and spends a perfect day with her. Walks, visiting friends, interesting food, romantic madness in the spirit of visiting the roof of a neighboring twenty-story building. In addition, he holds her hand all the time and looks so that the soul goes to her heels, and kundalini, on the contrary, rises up and hits her head. By the time they part, the woman is absolutely sure that they have a relationship, everything is wonderful, and there are only a few moments left before love. Literally tomorrow he will call and... But alas, the next donation is not laid out so quickly.
Why is he doing this? There could be a thousand reasons for this. Another woman, lack of keen interest, desire to keep you in the friend zone, problems with alcohol. Any wildest version may turn out to be true, except for one - that this is such a special love and you just need to wait. As a rule, if a relationship “seems” to you once every week or two, but the rest of the time you don’t feel it, it doesn’t exist. As a rule, if a person cancels meetings and ruins your plans over and over again, he does not want to see you. As a rule, if you don't have sex with him for a long time, he has it with someone else. But if for some reason you are not ready to “turn off” the seventeen-year-old girl in your head, it’s okay, after all, it’s not very often that you manage to feel young. The main thing is not to turn into a small dog, eagerly jumping for a piece of sugar; after a certain age, this is already too tiring a game.
Hello! The situation is interesting. A month ago I met a man on the Internet. He works month after month in another city, 1000 km from where he lives. He was just at work then. We communicated by message day and night for more than 3 weeks, constantly, every day he called, and we talked for three hours about everything in a row, naturally exchanged photographs. We became very close during this time. He is divorced and has a son, 6 years old. I am also divorced, I have a daughter, 3 years old. In one of the first messages from me, he learned about his daughter and immediately said that he always wanted a daughter. After a week of such close communication, he already said that he dreams of me, wants to be only with me, and was always interested in how my daughter was doing. We dreamed about how we would be together, when he would arrive, what our first meeting would be like, what renovations we would make in my apartment, what kind of car we would buy, etc. By the way, he is a wealthy man, he said that he does not like it when they divide into “yours” and “mine”, that everything should be common, he once said that when we are together, I may not work at all. We were so looking forward to our meeting. I prepared long and carefully to be flawless. I told my parents that my daughter and I have a “new dad.” He wasn’t against it, he said that we definitely needed to get to know them, that he would find an approach to my dad, etc. In a word, a dream and a fairy tale, I couldn’t believe that it existed, that it was true. The moment of meeting has come. First we went to the club where we were originally going. There they were busy only with each other, they kissed for three hours. Then we went to see him, we had wonderful sex, after which we sat in the kitchen for a very long time, talking, laughing and enjoying each other. It was such happiness. In the morning I had to leave for work (I forgot to mention that we live 100 km from each other, he is in the city, I am in the area). He saw me off, waited with me for my bus, said that he would arrive in 2 days, that he couldn’t live without me now. After 2 days it turns out that his ex was in the hospital, his son remained with him. Naturally, there is no point in dragging him to me, an unfamiliar aunt, so far away. I'm sad, but I'm waiting. A couple of days later she is discharged and he is free. But he’s in no hurry to go, but at the same time he says that he really wants it, he misses him, and apologizes that everything is turning out this way. Then he almost disappears for 2 days, having fun with friends, but again he calls and apologizes, saying that he will come one of these days. Now I no longer touch on the topic of his coming to me, so as not to put pressure and not impose. But this month he is 2 weeks away from work, and literally 4 days before he leaves for work, and he is still not with me. I have the opportunity to go to him myself, but I doubt whether it’s worth it if he doesn’t come to me. In general, I am confused and uncertain. I don't understand what's happening. He doesn’t come to me, but he doesn’t deny our relationship, he still says that he’s mine, and I’m his... Help me figure it out
3 pieces of advice received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: A man does not come to me, but does not avoid me either
Hello, Alena!
I don’t want to upset you, but in my opinion, you are faced with a manipulative person. The manipulation of your trust is evidenced by the fact that he immediately diagnosed what is valuable to you and directly actively “built into” your values “I am also divorced, I have a daughter, 3 years old. He is in one of the first messages from me found out about his daughter, he immediately said that he always wanted a daughter. After a week of such close communication, he already said that he dreams of me, wants to be only with me, he was always interested in how my daughter was doing.” He was not interested in your daughter, but the fact that it was important for you, he needed to gain your trust.
Then, without knowing you, he promised you a happy and prosperous life “We dreamed about how we would be together, when he would arrive, what our first meeting would be like, what renovations we would make in my apartment, what kind of car we would buy, etc. By the way , he is a wealthy man, he said that he doesn’t like it when they divide into “yours” and “mine”, that everything should be common, he once said that when we are together, I don’t have to work at all.” “I told my parents, that my daughter and I have a “new dad.” He wasn’t against it, he said that we definitely need to get to know them, that he would find an approach to my dad, etc.”
In general, he gave you a fairy tale in which everything would be as you want, all your values would be preserved and shared with him.
You must understand that, of course, such fairy tales are quite possible in your life, but in order to think about them there must be a certain degree of maturity of the relationship, about six months or a year, or even more.
In your case it is 3 weeks. This may indicate that the person who is rushing you so much is most likely a manipulator; he very quickly connects to your values, caresses your ears, excites your desires, making you believe that the impossible is possible. Prepares you for physical intimacy. Everything flows quickly and Fine.
Perhaps this is already a proven scenario and there are several people like you.
And even if it's not. Such haste and inconsistency in a person’s words and actions indicates his emotional instability, and soon he may also become carried away by another woman, leaving you.
In any case, caution in your case will not hurt. Especially if he is so interested in your daughter. The child does not need close contact with untrusted people.
If you want to find a man for life and use the Internet for this, be prepared for the fact that you may encounter scammers, manipulators, schemers, maniacs, mentally ill people. Of course, there are decent men who are interested in a strong family. Listen to yourself , because even now you are experiencing uncertainty and confusion, believe them, believe that something is not right here, this is not how you imagined your relationship. Always trust your doubts.
Timofeeva Nina Gennadievna, psychologist Chita
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Hello, Alena! The situation is really interesting and I understand your confusion and uncertainty. The first thing you need to pay attention to is that the acquaintance is only a month old, and remote at that, and spent a day together, which means the verdict may be different. The second thing is that very often women mislead themselves when they see, hear and feel one attitude towards themselves - “but I doubt whether it’s worth it if he doesn’t come to me,” but draw conclusions based on their best picture of the idea relationship between man and woman, as if they didn’t notice anything. Is it worth rushing now to count on more? You now have fear and lack of confidence - you need to share the male instinct of a hunter and the desire to be with you. Don't rush, give yourself and your man time. Take care of yourself, your child, make yourself happy, your beloved! A man can write to you, call you, promise, but look at the situation - keeping peace in your soul until you see exactly the actions towards you and your child, that the man wants a relationship where he is ready to bear responsibility and show care! In a personal consultation, we will discuss the further way out of such a situation, with the best outcome and gaining a sense of harmony with our own emotions and feelings! Sincerely, psychologist Alena Chereshneva, Chita.
Chereshneva Alena Viktorovna, psychologist, Chita
Good answer 3 Bad answer 1 
Hello, Alena!
I understand you very much, it’s hard to wait, to hope, to be tormented by doubts, to live in a state of uncertainty.
Let's try to analyze the current situation in more detail. Mutual sympathy and sexual attraction arise between a man and a woman only when they have opposite properties, characters, and desires. This is how nature intended it to create offspring and better survival.
You described your values in detail in the letter. This is a family, a home, children. You need a man - a breadwinner who will provide you and your children with everything you need, and you will keep the fire in the family hearth, raise children and take care of your family. This is ideal. Probably, in this case, you would feel as comfortable and confident as possible in life.
In contrast to your properties, desires and values, you choose a man with the opposite properties of yours. This is the ability to get, earn, provide your woman and children with everything they need. This is what you found for yourself. Only a person, just like any other mechanism, has negative qualities along with positive qualities. A man who knows how to earn money can be greedy, thrifty or even stingy at certain moments in his life. At another period of time, he may suddenly begin to squander what he has acquired.
Anastasiaharhabrbr
Together for 4 years. The most ideal man in my life was before this move. He used to get on his knees and kiss my hands for the prepared borscht with pancakes)) and say: “why didn’t I meet you earlier”), he always lived in my house on weekends. When I moved in with him, I became a rude person. I swore when I didn’t take out the trash on time. He doesn’t touch my food, after coming home from work he won’t hug or kiss me, he doesn’t buy food for the house, and somehow I never asked to buy it. There are complaints about the housework, saying why the kitchen towel is dirty, but I just took it out of the washing machine. He doesn’t allow himself to be kissed and doesn’t kiss himself. When asked why, he answers: I used to see you once a week, but now I’m tired every day at work. Quiet, doesn't talk to me, and I'm lonely. I look for consolation from loneliness in communicating with my friends, and he says: why are you sitting on the phone, why are you lying on the sofa! I say whatever you tell me to do, I’ll do it. I looked at the statistics of my phone, it was documented there that I used to write and call every day, but now there is no signal from this subscriber. It was my birthday, in the morning I said: happy birthday. I didn’t give him a gift, and I didn’t give him a New Year’s gift either. He says this is how it is in the family, the main thing is attention, not gifts. I always wrap his gifts in fancy paper with a bow. I suggested to him: if I fell out of love, but it was difficult to say, then let’s be friends, I’ll pack my things and leave, only without sex without intimacy, since we’re breaking up. It’s surprising that I’m proposing to break up, although I don’t need it) he said that he would miss him and come to me. But why haven’t you kissed me once in a whole month? I no longer want to take the initiative if there is no reciprocity. That's why I sleep on the sofa, although without a pillow or blanket. He didn’t try to hide me, he just said: why did she run away from me? And I: you don’t need me as a woman, why do you need me there next to you. He: Well, sniffle next to me, don’t bother me. Well, I persuaded her and came back. It’s just like I’m living with a stone man. Help me understand the reason for his sharp coldness towards me.
Anastasiaharhabrbr, hello! The fact is that dating and living together are different states. People who are used to living alone often do not accept well when other people start living on their territory - it is annoying that other people try to arrange everything in their own way, touch personal belongings, take over, etc. A person can no longer relax at home, as he was used to before, and this causes chronic stress and rejection.
How long have you been living together?
If it was so good for you to live apart, then what is stopping you from leaving again and trying to restore the former harmony in the relationship?
Anastasiaharhabrbr
Living together was initially his idea, because he wants to get married, wants a family. I moved a month ago. I’m used to living alone, but nevertheless, I feel comfortable with him on the same territory. What about if I touch his things. When we moved, I washed the entire kitchen, wiped the dust off the closet in the living room, he asked not to touch the boxes with my parents’ documents and not to wipe the family china, so I did so. On the balcony I vacuumed and washed the windows, in his room I vacuumed as much as possible and here he is the boss. I will say that he was a little annoyed that I cleaned the kitchen, but somehow he came to terms with it. He is very picky about everything, reproaches me with hints that if I break it, I will pay for it. His mother tells him what he likes to eat, I bake meat. Yes, I agree, I violated his space in this way: I needed a table, since I am studying and writing a diploma, he has a large table, but he took up this space, so I put the chest of drawers by the bed to work on the computer, because the wait His help in helping to organize the workspace was tired.
Separating is a good idea, but not for starting a family. I assume that if it doesn’t work out to live together, the purpose of this relationship will lose its meaning.
We've been living together for a month now. Separating means that we have not coped with the task of building a family."
“We’ve been living together for a month now. Separating means that we haven’t coped with the task of building a family.”
Anastasiaharhabrbr, I don’t think this means that you haven’t coped with the task of building a family. You are not very good at getting used to each other on territory that does not belong to you. This is the peculiarity of your friction.
As I understand from your description, you live in the house of your man’s parents and your man is very tense about the fact that you are in charge there - in a house where he is also not in charge. He is worried that his parents will complain if something suddenly breaks or gets lost or is in the wrong place and not in the same form as they are used to or as your man is used to in his house “he was a little annoyed that I washed the kitchen , but somehow he came to terms with everything. He is very picky about everything, reproaches with hints that if I break it, I will pay for it. Yes, I agree, I violated his space..."
You can try to live on neutral territory - in a rented apartment, for example. On neutral territory, you both have equal rights and opportunities to arrange your life so that you both feel comfortable. You don't have to adapt to your parents' habits, for example. And that factor that irritates your man so much will disappear - the fear of doing something wrong, which will cause his parents to complain to you or to him, the discomfort from the fact that you willfully change the usual environment in his home.
After the first date or even after several meetings with the man you like, you impatiently wait for him to call or write, but so far there is silence? This happens quite often.
The first piece of advice is don’t impose yourself on your gentleman, don’t torment yourself that he doesn’t call. Your inappropriate behavior will not lead you to success; on the contrary, even if a man has mutual sympathy for you, he will try to stay away from a woman whose actions cause bewilderment and irritation. Let's look at why guys suddenly stop calling and writing after the first meeting, what male psychology is, what girls should do in such a situation, and whether it is possible to call first at the beginning of a relationship.
If he stopped calling and writing, what could this mean and how should he behave? He may remain silent for several days or a week for several reasons. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out why your man is silent.
If you didn’t wait for the call after your first date, if the one with whom you have been together for several years forgets about your existence, if the silence lasts two days, a week or much more - in order to understand how to behave, you need to consider each case separately. The reasons for this may be different, and the advice on how a woman should behave will also be different.
Let's look at the main reasons why a guy stopped calling, and what a woman should do about it:
- Silence after the first date. After a wonderful evening, you feel wings behind your back, you return home, full of happiness and plans for the future, but there is no call or message from a man either that day or the next. Most likely, a man will not call on purpose, since he needs a pause to understand and deal with his feelings. Psychologists believe that guys are often afraid of their own feelings. Men need time to decide on a relationship. This statement is only suitable if the silence lasts a couple of days. If it lasts for several weeks, it’s hardly worth waiting for the man to return to your life.
- Too many feelings. The result of the first date can be sad - the gentleman may be afraid of an excess of emotions on the part of the woman. It is difficult for men to express all their feelings at the first meeting, especially if they are just emerging. If throughout the entire romantic meeting a girl clearly expresses her love, dreams of what dress she will wear when she gets married, what she will name the children she shares with him, where to spend a joint vacation, the young man will prefer to stay away from such a determined lady.
- Not everything is so fabulous. Women are great at simulating pleasure in bed, and men know how to look interested and enthusiastic. If your last date turned out to be wonderful, fun, and memorable, it’s not a fact that the man thinks the same about your meeting. Maybe he was just pretending that he was interested in your stories about figure skating or the recently watched romance series. Remember exactly how your date went. Was it only you who spoke or did your chosen one sincerely maintain the conversation? What if you're the only one who's interested?
- Recent quarrel. If you and a man had a serious fight, it is not surprising that he does not call or send messages. Usually, after a quarrel, men present themselves as victims, expecting that the woman will be the first to make contact. Many guys have an extremely negative attitude towards attacks from their partner, especially if they consider the cause of the scandal to be insignificant. It’s easier for men to lie low and wait for the girl to calm down. Loud showdowns are something that men cannot stand. If you are a fan of throwing tantrums out of the blue, remember that one day your partner will disappear forever.
- He doesn't like phone calls. Some men don't like calling or texting. They prefer to communicate in person. Only a special need forces them to pick up a gadget. If you are planning a relationship with such a man, accept that his love is not expressed in missed calls or received messages.
- Busy. Very often the phrase “was busy” is used as a standard excuse, but if you have fallen for a careerist, a responsible employee, do not be surprised that you have to wait a long time for news from him. His silence may be explained by unexpected difficulties, a lucrative contract, or important negotiations. In this case, remember that the chosen one threw himself into work, pushing other areas of life into the background.
- Financial difficulties. Some modern girls have great demands in material terms. They are not attracted to walks in the park or reading poetry under the moon. They prefer to meet at the cinema, cafe, bowling alley, etc. Of course, this is very expensive for the gentleman, since a real man considers it his duty to pay for entertainment. If you've only recently met, it's probably difficult for a guy to admit to you that he's having money problems and can't afford to take you on a date to a place where you have to pay.
- An ordinary womanizer. Unfortunately, this happens quite often. If you are faced with a womanizer, you can give only one piece of advice - to be more careful when meeting the opposite sex. He achieved his goal, you succumbed to his charm. With this his mission is over, he calmly goes in search of his next fan. It is unlikely that you will see or hear him again - second dates with womanizers are impossible. Don't waste time waiting for a call after spending the night with him. Having fed you with fairy tales about his successful and cool business, seducing you with walks on a yacht, riding in an expensive car (probably for rent), he forgot about you with a light heart, having received what he wanted. There is no point in him spending any more money on you.
- Married gentleman. Having a legal spouse or permanent girlfriend is another common reason why you can’t wait for a call/message. Being in a long-term serious relationship, a man loses his hunter's instinct, he needs recharge. Flirting with an attractive stranger at a corporate party is not a reason to continue communicating with her further.
- Lack of reciprocity. This option is suitable for a situation if you have just met. If after the first date a man does not call back, it means he realized that you are not suitable for him. Don’t take it too seriously, don’t consider yourself ugly, stupid, or uninteresting. Probably, the guy considered himself inappropriate for you, it seemed to him that your demands on men were somewhat too high, or that you simply had different interests and goals in life.
It happens that you can’t wait for initiative from a guy, but he always makes contact if a girl calls or writes herself. This behavior is explained by no fewer reasons than silence.
Calls periodically: what does this mean and what should I do?
If the first date is over, you communicate very rarely and by phone, then most likely, with periodic calls the man reminds him of himself and checks whether you are ready. Remember, for such a man you are just an alternate airfield. Don’t take his calls seriously, don’t create illusions.
Remember, you, like any other girl, deserve to be looked after beautifully, and not waste your time on your own relief from boredom. Keep periodic telephone conversations that are not followed by an invitation to a date to a minimum. Refer to important matters, interesting activities. Let the man know that you are not on his hook. This will force him to take decisive action or leave you alone. If the gentleman disappears from your life, it means that there was little interest in you.
How to behave in such a situation? Should you call first? It’s hardly worth taking the first step yourself. If a man is interested in you, he will dial your number himself. Always remember that this is not the only and not the last man in the world. Your independence from him will make him appreciate you. Don’t show your gentleman that all you do is wait for days to hear from him.
Don't show your man that you're constantly thinking about him. If he thinks that you have low self-esteem, it will give him the idea to use you. It will be convenient for him. However, love and respect cannot be obtained.
Any man wants his chosen one to be self-sufficient, positive, without being fixated on anything. A woman who is ready to run to a man at any moment, bombarding him with messages, cutting off his phone, will never be interesting.
Every guy has the instinct of a hunter; he likes to charm, conquer, catch up when people run away from him. If you run towards him, he will lose his taste for you.
Give up any thought of pursuing the object of your adoration! This is one of the most common mistakes among women. If there is no call, then the man has a reason. Don’t indulge yourself with stupid hopes and dreams, especially don’t throw hysterics. Breathe a sigh of relief that, thanks to his decision, you are free of a relationship that has no future.
Cases when this is possible
However, there are situations when you still have to call your gentleman first, but there are few of them:
- You left an important thing with him. These could be apartment/work keys, documents, etc. To return what you have forgotten, do not sit waiting for his call, call yourself. But don’t manipulate, don’t invent such a reason to meet.
- After the meeting, he was not online for a long time. If a day has passed and the man has not appeared on social networks, although he was always online before, you can call and find out if anything has happened to him.
- The date was not the first. In case of long and close communication, you can dial his number yourself. The gentleman who is interested in you will be glad of your initiative.
The main thing is to look at any situation objectively and don’t let your imagination run wild. No man in the world deserves you to cry over him and lower your self-esteem.
The main advice of all psychologists is to focus on yourself. If your boyfriend has disappeared and doesn’t want to continue communicating with you, don’t let depression enter your life. Make every effort, become more attractive, more interesting, so that the next man will be amazed by you.
- Development. Come up with a new hobby for yourself: horse riding, yoga, felting wool toys, massage courses, painting, dancing - do what gives you pleasure.
- Change of image. Most women are sure that a new style will change their lives for the better. Thanks to the change in image, they attract more attention. Brightness, well-groomed, beauty - such a woman is difficult not to notice.
- Wardrobe update. An option not only to enhance attractiveness, but also to lift your spirits. Almost any woman will not refuse shopping. Buying a new dress, bright shoes, a radical change of style - do not deny yourself this.
- Appearance. Maybe your chosen one has become less interested in you because the relationship has affected your appearance, you have become less well-groomed than at the beginning of the affair? Remember, men love it when a beautiful lady is next to them. Be beautiful, whether you've been together for two weeks or ten years.
- Vivid impressions. Give yourself positive emotions - go to Thailand, skydive, go to a car race. Make your old dreams come true. This way you can come to terms with the breakup less painfully and get rid of bad thoughts.
- Going out to people. Don't lock yourself within four walls. Of course, you can allow yourself to burst into tears while listening to a sad love drama, eating away your melancholy with ice cream or cake. But no more than one or two days! This way you can ruin your figure, and this is completely useless. Get off the couch, call your friends and move forward to new adventures!