As an honest person, I have already dissuaded probably a dozen people from therapy. I hope they are happy now.

After all, the main problem with psychotherapy is that people want to be sold happiness.

But for happiness there is heroin.

The market for psychological services, however, follows the demand, everyone sells happiness and positivity, energizes and so on “everything will be fine.” The easiest way to do this is in the format of trainings or retreats.

But if there is a hole in you, then this happiness will pour out of you in a couple of weeks. And it’s time to go to the next training, yes. (And there is undoubtedly a hole in you if your own happiness does not linger within yourself).

Besides, people love simple methods.

But for simple ways there is heroin.

You can position therapy as “a difficult but working way to achieve happiness.” But this will not be true, and I am an honest person.

Therapy is a way to regain fullness of life.

The fullness of life includes misfortunes. But also happiness.

The fullness of life is generally a questionable thing, but it is also the best of those that I have had and still have.

Everyone knows that “misfortunes” set off “happiness” and that you can’t be happy forever - it gets boring. But this knowledge does not help.

However, “fullness of life” is not “I promise that you will feel happiness, but in exchange for unhappiness.”

An important nuance is that this is completeness.

Previously, you had a price list of only two items, like:

Work: -50 happiness,
Game of tanks: +5 happiness per hour

In order to break even, you had to play tank for 10 hours after work. There are no other ways out.

When I was depressed (and not yet in therapy), I had a friend who said something along the lines of “oh, go sit in a coffee shop, it gives +10 happiness.” If you go 100 times, you will be cured of depression.

I went to my price list, found there “sitting in a coffee shop - see “wasting money on crap,” I went to “spend money on crap” and found there “-10 happiness.”

Yes, I had depression and addiction, I’m a normal person.

During the therapy process, you open a complete and honest price list. And he's big. Well, naturally, complete. Hence the “fullness of life.”

And there is such a choice right away! My eyes widen.

(In advanced cases, you can even choose misfortunes from the price list, in the spirit of “okay, something is bothering me today, let me suffer on the topic of “nobody loves me” and do it ironically, but they will still count it”).

In the simple language of therapists, the client is given ways to experience not only neurotic pleasures, but also pleasures of a higher order, but must make the choice himself whether he wants it or not.

Unfortunately, pleasures of the highest order require conscious effort, and who wants that!

It’s better to leave everything as it is - and 10 hours in tanks.

Are there any relationships in the world like the relationship between mother and child? The relationship is absolutely unique in its strength, depth and significance. Relationships that largely determine our lives.

“The winner is the one who can
rejoice in your mother.”
Bert Hellinger

Mom is our first world, our first life is the promised land. Life is full of unity, warmth, harmony and comfort. All the most important and fundamental things are connected with our mother. Our deepest idea of ​​happiness: when hearts beat in unison, when all feelings and thoughts are one, when you and I are one. This is the time of life in the mother's womb. It is usually this unity that we want to replicate in a couple relationship.

Historically, in all traditions, special attention was paid to a woman and her role in the family. A mother has a limitless and profound influence on the soul of her child at any age. In the first years of his life, the child is actively engaged in “absorbing” his mother. Everything that she is filled with in her soul. Tradition, culture, and ways of survival are absorbed through the mother.

Therefore, the child needs to absorb as quickly as possible, a lot and without any filters. Everything that the mother broadcasts immediately goes into the unconscious layers of our psyche. Knowing this, in our Slavic tradition, a girl from infancy began to be prepared for future motherhood. To great responsibility and a culture of handling the power that nature has endowed a woman with. For example, a woman-mother was forbidden to be angry, swear, or behave in a socially unacceptable manner.

And among many peoples of the world, the most terrible negative impact on a person is still considered the maternal curse: direct - conscious, or indirect - unconscious. And because the consequences of a mother’s actions have a strong impact on the lives of not only her own children, but also on her descendants, then it directly depends on the woman whether the family will continue healthy and prosperous or whether it will cease to exist.

The reality of our country's history is that many generations ago, most Russian women lost direct conscious access to their feminine power - spiritual feminine power. To that power that fills everything around with calm, trust, joy, but not anxiety, fears and despondency.

Continuous wars, revolutions, repressions, abortions took away women's husbands and children, destroyed families and their traditional way of life. The pain of loss and mourning for those killed in the souls of Russian women is transmitted genetically. The mother's heart closes from pain and the remaining living children receive almost no love. Growing up in very difficult conditions, such a girl, having become a mother, can only give her children what she received herself.

There have always been wars in Russia - from time immemorial, but there was faith in God and Russian folklore traditional culture, which has a powerful psychotherapeutic effect. A tradition that firmly stood on the value of family, the value of differences between the sexes (after the revolution, women and men were given equal rights and, as a result, this difference between the sexes began to disappear).

Boys and girls were raised as future wives and husbands, future mothers and fathers - all this was supported at the level of religion and state. Currently, the family is going through a difficult crisis: a huge number of divorces, abortions, orphans, children in orphanages with living parents. Many family values ​​are lost or greatly distorted - values ​​that are not characteristic of the Russian mentality are imposed, which ultimately contribute to the destruction of the family.

This is a very complex environment in which we live. An environment that, to put it mildly, is not conducive to family prosperity and childbearing. Therefore, in order for a modern woman to fulfill nature’s plan: to get married, have children and live happily ever after in marriage, she has to search alone for her feminine power, bestowed by nature. At the same time, day after day, doing enormous spiritual work.

One interesting psychological study was conducted in America. His goal was to find out whether a person’s health depends on personal satisfaction with parental love. College students were asked to answer one simple question: in their opinion, according to their inner feelings, do their parents love them or not? After 35 years, the experimenters met with all the respondents. It turned out that among those people who had a feeling of inner satisfaction with parental love, 25% of people suffered from various diseases.

Among those who were dissatisfied with parental love, 87% were ill.

And among those who answered that they felt the love of only one of their parents, the disease rate was 50%.

Nature was incredibly wise and far-sighted when she created a woman-mother and made her fall in love with her baby. Adoring her child! Many women know this when, in comparison with other children, their child is always the best. When you fall in love, according to research by neurophysiologists, the work of the parts of the brain responsible for criticism and negative emotions is suppressed. When a mother looks at her baby, the hormone dopamine is actively released (causing euphoria), and the areas responsible for pleasure in the brain are activated.

Therefore, maternal love is often called “blind.”Next to a loving mother, the child feels calm, happy and confident - he is safe. And vice versa, when a mother rejects a child, life loses meaning for him. And the brain reacts again - the areas responsible for the sensation of pain in the skin and muscles are activated. Rejected children receive an unconscious message from their mother: “Don’t live!” - and the child implements it. For example, he is constantly sick, depressed, refuses to have friends, etc.

Mother's love, among other things, is an unconscious flow. The child feels it as a force, no matter where the mother is, even if she has already died. This flow creates a deep sense of satisfaction with life, security, inner peace and strength. This is a feeling of spiritual abundance. Such a child is happy and successful in life, because the mother herself blessed him with happiness.

Bert Hellinger once said: “ The one who can rejoice in his mother wins. The fullness of life and happiness comes to us this way. This is the basis for any future happiness. Happiness is a gift. Happiness is always the result of relationships. We are happy when we enjoy our relationships. A person will not have a successful relationship until his first relationship - the relationship with his mother - is successful. The primary happiness for a child is to be close to his mother. When he later goes to other people, he can take the original happiness with him. Of course, the father also plays an important role in the relationship with the child, but happiness begins with the mother. Father and mother are on different levels here. There is a difference here and the father knows it. But he doesn't need to be jealous because his relationship with his mother is exactly the same».

The most important thing a mother gives us is trust.Initially to herself, and later - to the whole world. Happiness, initially from communication with herself, and subsequently from life. Love - with her, and then, as a projection, to people and to the whole world. Mom lays down basic things, deeply unconscious ones, those that become our spiritual foundation, core.

Those foundations that further determine our lives. Through mother's eyes we look at the whole world. It is the mother who, introducing the child to the world, places accents, highlights significant things and not so much. Through it, the child learns what the world “really is like.”

The attitude of the father to the child and the child to the father is also shaped by the mother. She is the only mediator between them. And the lives of not only the children themselves, but also their grandchildren and great-grandchildren will depend on whether she allows her father and children to love each other in her soul.

With my mother, we experience a relationship without boundaries - a complete merging of soul and body. By the way, whether the child managed to experience this happiness with his mother will depend on whether he will be able to experience the joy of intimacy (in all respects) with his partner, and with life in general. In the feminine zone lies the development of creative abilities, intuition, and speech (although logical speech lies in the father’s zone). And, most importantly, the ability to create happy couples, and then child-parent relationships.

But that's not all. We also look at ourselves through her eyes. How do you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror? Or when you speak in front of other people? Or in partnerships? Our mother's message is always somewhere deep inside.

How did the mother feel about the child in her soul? Could she love him with unconditional love: accept him as he is, agreeing with his characteristics and fate? Did she love the manifestations of his father in the child? Or maybe the child’s resemblance to his father filled her heart with pain and disappointment?

Practice has shown that it is precisely those people whom their mother loved with unconditional love, and their father loved and respected in them, who can be happy and successful in their lives. Accepting, loving and respecting themselves, such people treat their children and others the same way.

When a mother has a lot of difficult things, she cannot always notice that something wrong is happening with the child. She is so immersed in her mental pain and internal problems that, in comparison with her condition, the child’s condition is perceived as normal, and maybe even good.

Therefore, quite often the mother pays attention to the child’s problems only when it is simply impossible not to notice them. But for a child to develop, manifest, and then become entrenched in various problems, from health to an unsuccessful family life, it takes quite a lot of time. And you can manage to prevent something, and change something.

From the moment of birth, the main task of any child is survival in the parental system. To do this, on an unconscious level, you need to tune in with the system and, above all, with your mother. It’s good if the movement towards each other is mutual - this is called happiness. But it often happens that finding an approach to a parent’s heart is not so easy. Parents cannot always see and correctly assess the behavior and condition of their child.

Confusion very often arises. Parents believe that the child will show his progress towards them through care, obedient behavior, a smile and gentleness of character, etc., but this is not at all the case. Or rather, this happens in family systems, where everything is more or less in order. But if the mother is carrying something heavy, the child will not wait for the mother to return from her inner pain. He starts signaling in every possible way so that mommy hears and comes back.

The child may begin to get sick, behave poorly, stop sleeping at night, and put his life in danger. Or he may become incredibly anxious and will not let his mother leave his side even a single step. Or aggressive and defiant. Or maybe he is quiet and weak-willed, unable to stand up for himself. And if parents do not respond to the call for too long, then the child’s heart is filled with pain and closes.

One mother told a funny story about her four-year-old daughter who tried to tell her mother how much she needed her love. And how did my mother have the wisdom to see this? The girl decided to do something nice for her mother - wash the dishes. Mom, hearing the roar of breaking dishes, ran to the kitchen.

There was a flood on the floor and several broken plates. Seeing her mother’s frightened eyes, her daughter said: “Mommy, don’t worry, I’ll sweep everything up,” but it was too late... “I got carried away, and I punished her.” Another time, the daughter decided to surprise her mother: bake some pies. The whole kitchen was covered in flour and water. All the eggs that were in the refrigerator and a carton of milk were used for the dough. My daughter got it again.

But the girl did not lose hope. For the New Year, my mother bought herself a very beautiful and very expensive evening dress with sequins. The daughter, seeing how much her mother liked this dress, decided to give her a gift. She cut out lots of glittery hearts from her mother's dress and lovingly glued them onto a large piece of paper. When my mother came home from work, her daughter, with an absolutely happy face, announced that she had a beautiful gift for her mother.

“When my daughter brought out a piece of whatman paper covered with the remains of my dress, I started laughing hysterically and started crying. I didn’t know what to do, whether to tear her out, or to thank her for the gift, because I taught her to thank her for gifts. Seeing her efforts and with what love she did all this, I could not flog her.” When her daughter asked why she was crying, her mother replied: “For joy.”

Families with children of different sexes know very well that a son and a daughter are two completely different stories. This difference is revealed to parents from the first months of the child’s life.

Mother and son relationship

Initially, a boy is born to a person of the opposite sex. The boy is also perceived by his mother as “different,” “not like me.” A woman often does not know how to interact correctly so as not to lead him astray from the male course.

There is a myth that you cannot caress boys, be gentle and loving with them, because... they may grow up to be too feminine and effeminate. Men become feminine for completely different reasons, we will look at them a little later. Normally, a boy is in the field of female influence, i.e. in the mother's field, until about three years of age. This is a sensitive period for the perception of the deep feminine, giving an internal state of happiness, harmony, security, completeness and tranquility.

In the future, this is the ability to adequately express and realize one’s feelings. And this is the key to mental health. A lot of time must pass before a little boy turns into an adult, strong, independent man - a protector. And in order for male power to be realized in the future, the maternal flow creates a foundation in the child’s soul.

As if in her very core, her mother lights up light and warmth that will warm him all his life, no matter what difficulties an adult may have to endure. One woman once told about her father, who carried a photograph of his mother throughout the war as an icon, as a talisman, as a prayer.

The mother, activating the feminine in the child, lays down the basic things: trust and love (to yourself, to others, to the world). Happiness, creativity, intuition, interest in people, caring for others, tenderness, sensitivity, empathy (feeling for the state of another person). It is important to say that by adolescence, normally, sensitivity and empathy in boys decrease significantly.

This is inherent in nature, because a man is first and foremost a protector and provider. If he feels deeply, he is more likely to die in battle, or in a fight. And in the modern world it will be difficult for him to fulfill his masculine functions in society.

Around the age of three, a boy develops an irresistible desire to be in the masculine, to be imbued with the masculine - to be with his father. And provided that the mother lets her son go to his father, he comes under his influence. If a boy remains with his mother, he continues to be imbued with the feminine, to the detriment of his masculine nature. After all, women's psychology is fundamentally different than men's. For example, a woman copes with stress through repeated talking, and a man through forgetting. A man is focused on progress, a woman is focused on survival. Information is perceived differently and processed differently. It is important for a man what they say, for a woman it is important how they say it. Different things are important and unimportant, etc. In other words, while remaining in his mother’s gender, the boy becomes disoriented not only in his relationships with society, but, above all, in his sense of self and self-identification by his own gender. The same thing happens to the girl left with her father.

Mom lets her son go to his father very early and forever. She lets him go to the men's - to his homeland. Lets go on an unconscious level, i.e. She respects the father of the child in her soul. She agrees that the child will be like his father and this warms her heart. By the way, a son can truly respect his mother only when he is close to his father.

Now the boy is becoming more and more different from his mother. Having become an adult, such a boy has a pronounced masculine (there is disproportionately more masculine in him than feminine) and in order to balance this in the future, he will need to unite with a woman with a pronounced feminine. Now they complement each other well. This is how strong partnerships are created. This is the norm. Which is so rare.

But it happens that throughout her childhood, a mother in her parental family is forced to replace the mother for her mother (that is, her grandmother). This is a very difficult, sometimes unbearable role for a child. In other words, she was not a child in her parental family. Now, having gotten married, the first thing she will try to do is to realize the most important need of her soul - the need for a mother.

And finally, be a child. The husband, out of love for his wife, will psychologically replace her mother. True, at the cost of his masculinity. It is about these men that wives say that he is “nothing”, “a rag”, “a woman”, etc. And here she is - “daughter”, and everything seems to be fine. Only couple relationships move from partnership to child-parent relationships and the marriage gradually begins to fall apart. According to the laws of nature, grown children must fly away from the nest. And he, most likely, would have officially broken up if it had not been for the son who was born.

With her son, a woman realizes all the sweetness of failed partnerships and her dreams. A woman has many positive hopes associated with a boy. Now she herself will raise the man of her dreams. And so, before he was born, he is already psychologically a husband for his mother and a rival for his father. Moreover, the opponent is the winner, because the best woman in the world (mother) chose him over the strongest man in the world - father.

From his mother he adopted sensitivity, the ability to resonate, softness, tenderness, and intuitiveness. This is a caressed, beloved, pampered boy. They say about such people that they are darlings. A man who loves to shine loves admiration and praise. It’s as if he’s saying to all women: “Love me, I accept your love and care.”

He easily establishes relationships with women. This is his environment. He feels much more comfortable among women than among men. Examples of “mother’s husbands” are often found on the stage. A striking literary and historical example of a “mother’s husband” is Don Juan. A man who never became a son to his mother, but only a “husband.” In search of his mother, he changes one woman after another.

But no woman in the world can replace his mother. Therefore this search is endless. Such a man cannot stop, and if he starts a family, it won’t be for long. He is generally peaceful and spontaneous. It is interesting that it is precisely these men that women forgive their weaknesses and continue to take care of them even after breaking up. This is a man who has a lot of ambitions and plans, but does not have enough masculine energy to realize them.

The relationship between father and son in such a family is specific. The son looks at his father through the eyes of his mother - disdainfully, as they look at losers. The father in such a family finds himself in the shadow in all respects. In first place is the mother's favorite - the son. This matrix of relationships creates very difficult dynamics for the child in his later life.

It is difficult for him to maintain subordination in relationships, for example, at work. It is difficult to be subordinate (if he is not the center of attention, then there is a feeling that no one loves him and that he is a loser). In relationships with women, he is bright, spontaneous, and sensitive. Women feel happy, although not for long, because... For such a man, responsibility and obligations are very difficult (these qualities are in the father’s zone).

Losing contact with the masculine, the boy loses the qualities that are important for his survival: the ability to independently make the right decisions, not to depend on the attitude of others towards him, from the “flattering gaze”. Openly defend your borders, principles, interests, values. Be responsible for your actions and for those around you. Guard and defend your family and your territory. Sacrificing one’s interests, comfort, and maybe even life for the sake of others is alien to him.

The child is always ready to compensate the mother for what she lacks, for example, her father.Then this is a very responsible child who matured early and became serious early. Such sons very often raise their brothers and sisters and work several jobs. There is no father in such a family, either he is problematic, or the mother does not respect him. The mother herself can be extremely anxious (which makes her all-controlling), and emotionally frozen, which gives rise to anxiety in children.

Unconsciously, she broadcasts to her son: “I can’t cope without you. I can't survive without you." At the same time, he can behave very authoritarianly, resolving all issues regarding his son unilaterally. In behavior, the relationship between mother and son, for example, may look like this: in a childish voice, the mother asks her son’s permission to do something, or asks for advice, or support. And a child, who may well be no more than five years old, may forbid his mother to go somewhere or graciously allow something. Feeling his mother’s anxiety, the boy seems to say: “I won’t leave you! I'll be with you! I will carry you!

True, the father, if he exists, will treat his son very aggressively. The discrepancy between roles in the system creates enormous tension. The father begins to feel that his little son controls his woman and has a more significant status for her in the family, but at the same time the father himself simply does not have access to his son. The woman unconsciously broadcasts to her husband: “I really need support, so I won’t give you my son.” And completely unaware of what is happening, the father begins to fight with his “father-in-law” in the person of his own son (the son has an identification with his grandfather, the mother’s father).

Trying in every possible way to win back their territory, driving their opponent out. As a result, only one man remains on the territory. In families with similar dynamics, father and son often remain enemies for life. Growing up, such a man continues to feel that he bears all the responsibility in this life alone. Emotionally, these people are prone to aggressive behavior (or auto-aggressive), critical, psychopathic, controlling.

From having to keep everything under control, tension constantly grows, which is never fully discharged (in order to survive, this boy had to keep his mother - life itself - under control). These are people who, more often than others, suffer from cardiovascular diseases and “burn out” at work. Realization in society comes through incredible efforts.

And work, with great mental and physical costs, rarely brings mental satisfaction. In addition, the topic of competition is very painful, because as a child I constantly had to compete with my father. And since the forces were unequal, in this “battle” the son constantly got it, from which the boy learned the experience of a loser. Now, when the topic of competition or even a hint of it arises, the desire unconsciously arises to “get even” for past humiliations. This is where aggression, mental pain, and the desire to destroy the opponent come into play. All this creates colossal problems in life.

In his family, this man is also responsible and you can rely on him. In emotional communication, he is either a tyrant or a real capricious child who always lacks love, attention and everything else... In his soul there lives a child who does not trust anyone. Therefore, no matter how hard his wife and children try, it is difficult for him to believe that he is truly loved. And that you don’t have to “go out of your way” to deserve love.

It is very scary for him to allow himself to take the love of his partner. Because the one who takes becomes dependent on the one who gave. And being needy for him is a manifestation of weakness, because this situation is very difficult to keep under control.

It also happens that a son replaces for a mother not only a husband, brother or father, but even a mother(more often in a family where there are several boys or the only child is a boy). Then this is a very kind, quiet, easy-going boy. He is caring, sensitive, fearful, attentive, cautious, his teachers and teachers (women) love him very much, but his classmates are aggressive towards him.

In adulthood, men do not consider him a member of their pack, they treat him condescendingly, women treat him very warmly, but do not consider him as a partner, because... there is so much feminine in it that no attraction arises between equally charged “particles”.

These are, as a rule, responsible, patient people who live only by the rules, avoid any conflict and extreme situations, cannot withstand aggression in any of its manifestations, and their positivity is perceived by others as excessive. It is with great difficulty that they manage to maintain their boundaries, defend their interests, and express their needs.

It is also difficult to protect the boundaries and interests of your family. Because being in the mother’s field is a relationship of complete and limitless merging. Typically, such men experience difficulties in starting a family - it is not possible to leave their mother, so they have to combine “service” in the parental family with their personal life. True, if such a man meets a woman with a pronounced masculine personality (i.e., a daughter left with her father) or a woman who is in great need of a mother, then an alliance is possible between them. But very tense.

A woman initially chooses just such a man because he is able to alleviate the painful need for a mother. After some time, a woman’s mental wound heals and the need for a man as a partner becomes actualized. And if the husband does not have time or is not ready to rebuild, the tension in the couple increases. She cannot leave her husband, because... the mental wound will open again, and living next to a man to whom there is no attraction is painful.

Women often choose such men for second or third marriages, because... he is friendly to her children, relatives, neighbors and is tolerant of her like a mother. In their professional activities, having occupied the niche of helping professions, these men achieve good results.

Thus, the boy left in his mother's field continues to be filled with feminine: women's perception of the world, values, interaction with others. She overcomes difficulties like a woman. All this is disastrous for him. It is incredibly difficult for a man without a father to realize himself in society, because exploring, inventing, taking risks - natural male behavior - was not supported by his mother, if not completely prohibited.

There is another difficult dynamic for the boy. It is associated with the rape of women in the family. If a mother or, for example, a grandmother has experienced sexual violence, then their internal unconscious desire to “kill” a man, as the embodiment of evil, will often strive to be realized with the very first boy born in the family. Usually such a boy lives with his grandmother and mother. The woman unconsciously broadcasts to her son: “The way you were born is terrible. Men are disgusting and dirty. Men are evil, and as long as you are a man, I don’t need you.” Then, in order to survive in this system, a boy must become... a girl (in practice, this is one of the reasons for homosexuality). And so, by mimicking the feminine, the boy receives unconscious approval from his mother, which means that he can live. The boy forever understands for himself: “The price of one’s own life is the renunciation of the male.”

Currently, the trend towards gender displacement is very pronounced. Men have become more feminine and women have become more masculine. Women increasingly perform male functions in the family and in society, and men perform female functions. Losing their self-identity, men begin to die in the literal sense of the word, as unnecessary. After all, genetic memory tells a man to serve life, the feminine in a woman, the homeland - to be needed. When a man feels that he is needed, the masculine receives realization. Then life is safe.

The tragedy of the son is that only his mother can let him go to his father, to his manhood, the condition for which is love and respect for the child’s father. If the mother could not do this, the boy cannot independently transition from female to male. And only as an adult, through psychotherapeutic help or various spiritual practices, is a man able to return to his father - to the masculine. To your homeland.

It is very important that the mother feels what power she has, what influence she has on the child. Of course, no one has canceled the child’s fate and there is something that exceeds the mother’s capabilities. This is right. But it is important to remember your power of influence.

Mom’s relationship with her daughter is different. Having been born to a person of the same sex, a girl is perceived by her mother as an extension of herself. Many women who lacked warm emotional contact with their mother passionately desire to have a daughter and ... “God forbid - a son.” The girl initially transmits the feminine; from the first months of her life she is ready for a subtle resonance with her mother. But if a woman has enough warmth in her parental family, then the gender of the child will not be of fundamental importance to her.

The girl also spends the first three years in the field and space of her mother; she is also filled with the feminine, like a boy. At about three years old, the girl comes under the influence of her father and remains in his field until she is six or seven years old. During this period, the girl is actively filled with masculinity, attention, determination, logic, hard work, responsibility, will, etc. are initiated in her.

In addition, the father initiates the adult part of the child. And, most importantly, it is during this period that the feeling is formed that the girl is different from her father in gender. That she looks like her mother and that soon she will become a woman as good and beautiful as her mother. It is during this period that daughters adore their fathers. They actively show signs of attention and sympathy towards dad. It’s good if mom supports this, and dad gives his daughter his love and acceptance.

In the future, it is this experience of communicating with the most important man in life that will allow her to feel like an attractive, adult woman. Now she will be able to realize a lot in life and, most importantly, she has the happy experience of being accepted and loved by the most dear man in the world - her father. After some time (at about 6-7 years), the father lets his daughter go back to her mother - to the women's room. Showing that his mother is the best woman for him and he loves her a little more. And the daughter remains a beloved daughter.

Now the girl returns to her mother differently - she already knows that she is as beautiful as her mother, but at the same time she is different. The daughter became aware of her own boundaries (before the girl enters her father’s field, she feels like her mother’s appendage, an appendage, i.e., a part of her mother). And now, next to her mother, the girl begins to gain her feminine strength and beauty. Now the place of her partner next to her is free, and when the time comes, he will take it.

Internally, she feels that she needs the strength that her mother has. Now the connection between mother and daughter is filled with special meaning. In other words, the daughter has a certain unconscious motivation - to take the maternal, feminine flow for the future. For the full realization of your feminine. Now that she is an adult, she will have something to give to her husband and children. She is included in the women's stream.

But it happens that women in the family have a lot of difficult things associated with men. Perhaps there was violence from men, betrayal, or abortions, etc. Then, as a warning, girls are given unconscious information: “Be afraid of the feminine in yourself, it attracts men, and they are dangerous. Men bear pain." Therefore, women stop “seeing” and appreciating their feminine strength and beauty. They stop living in this stream. And they experience unconscious fear towards men.

Having loyalty to her family system, a woman will not let her daughter go not only to her father, but also to married life. Unconscious fear of men will complicate her relationships with the opposite sex and burden her family life, if she manages to start a family. A daughter who has not received permission from her mother to become feminine, and from her father confirmation that the feminine in her is beautiful, psychologically remains a girl for the rest of her life. A girl who will no longer believe anyone that she is a wonderful woman.

Deep in her soul it will be extremely difficult for her to accept herself; more often such women feel dissatisfaction with themselves, even to the point of disgust. Having become an adult woman, she approaches men either from the position of a daughter or a mother, but not an equal partner. Unconsciously, she continues to be her mother’s appendage, not separated into her life. Never feeling like a separate woman in the general flow of female power.

And it also happens that a mother has so much trouble that she can only give her daughter life. That's the only thing that matters though. And in order for her daughter to survive, the woman unconsciously hands the girl over to her father forever. Into the father's stream. Then the girl actively develops according to the male principle. Externally and internally she will be masculine. This will be “your guy” among boys and men. Figuratively speaking, a boy in a woman's body. Male worldview, interests, values, plasticity, gait, appearance, ways of reacting, ways of surviving, solving problems, etc. Often this gives success in society (business, sports, etc.) and constant failures in personal life.

In addition, a mother can project the sweetness and pain of a failed relationship with her own mother onto her daughter. This happens unconsciously and easily, because... a girl is essentially motherhood. What we encounter in practice is that it is impossible for a woman to distinguish how exactly she treats her little daughter: as a daughter or as a mother. It feels like there is warmth, strong affection, a desire to hug and caress.

Women often say that they “miss their baby like crazy” and don’t understand how they lived without her until now. But it turns out that despite such love, the daughter has various problems. For example, she constantly cries, is anxious, cannot communicate with other children, often gets sick, bites her nails, enuresis, nightmares, etc. The confusion in the relationship becomes visible during the constellation process. Such symptoms are often a signal of a violation of the hierarchy in the relationship between mother and child.

In practice, it becomes clear that all these strong feelings that the mother seemed to have for her daughter were actually addressed to her own mother. Those. Mom wanted to take the warmth, not give it away. And the child signals that he cannot cope with this difficult role. If a daughter refuses to fulfill the role of a mother for her mother, then the mother will unconsciously react with rejection: “If you will not be a mother for me, then I do not need you at all.” This unconscious message is very clearly confirmed by my mother’s behavior. For example, she will be offended every time her daughter does not show support, friendliness and acceptance.

React aggressively every time the daughter tries to escape into her own life. Create paired relationships. He will do his best to keep her close to him, and the older the daughter is, the stronger. An example of this is women who do not create a family, or who destroy it. Women who do not give birth to children, and those who remain with their mothers for life. Moreover, the more diligently the daughter plays the role of mother for her mother, the more negative the mother’s reactions will be.

The more claims and grievances there will be against your daughter. Just like once upon a time, my mother was unable to respond to her own pain and, as a result, aggression towards her mother (aggression towards a mother is a feeling tabulated by nature). And since the daughter replaces her mother, then everything that was not said to the addressee is now received by his substitute - the daughter. Accordingly, the daughter’s internal aggression grows, and expressing this feeling is dangerous, because there is an experience of rejection. The circle closes. The only way out is to take out the aggression on your husband or children, if you have any. And if they are not there, then go into illness. Nothing balances distortions in a family system like symptoms.

At a reception, a mother regarding her daughter (the girl has a severe form of neurodermatitis, allergies, severe and causeless anxiety):

My daughter and I are one whole, we read each other’s thoughts... just friends... we feel so good together... we tell each other everything... all my friends envy me...

How old is your daughter?

She is married?

No, what are you talking about? She does not want.

Like this?

He says that he won’t be able to give everything to my children the way I do. He wants to live for himself. And, to be honest, I’m glad. Let him enjoy life. I have profited up to my neck in this marriage.

And if you read the mother’s hidden message, it will sound like this:“If you leave me, I won’t survive it. Marriage is evil. Your marriage is dangerous for me. Only with you am I safe." Now let's answer our question. Will an adult daughter dare to leave her “defenseless” mother? Will an adult daughter dare to have a positive view of men and marriage? What will happen if a miracle cure cures all the symptoms this young woman has? After all, it is these ailments that allow the daughter to exist in the role of a mother for the mother, it is they that allow her not to feel pain and “burn through” repressed aggression.

There is a persistent myth in our society, a source of pride and envy for many - the myth that the ideal relationship between mother and daughter is a relationship “like girlfriends.” Many mothers, longing for a close emotional relationship with their mother, form such relationships with their daughters. This is a particularly severe form of hierarchy violation. It is very difficult for a daughter to get out of such a relationship, because... outwardly nothing bad happens.

These relationships are supported by the environment and society. Mother and daughter have a trusting relationship: the mother, for example, tells intimate details from her life, including her life with her daughter’s father, demanding similar frankness in return. Waits for and accepts advice and support from her daughter. These relationships always look friendly from the outside. The only difference is that the daughter is strictly forbidden to express any dissatisfaction, criticism, let alone aggression.

Those. It is forbidden to declare your desires and boundaries. The daughters of such mothers are the subject of admiration for those around them: they are always sweet, courteous, tactful, and prudent. She is always smiling, modest, and will not say a harsh word. If he doesn’t say it, he will “swallow it” and push the pain into the depths of the unconscious. Such a daughter is forbidden to have conflicts on pain of rejection (and it is conflicts with parents in adolescence that are the last chance to separate); such daughters find themselves in a more difficult situation than daughters whose mother allowed them to conflict.

This means that even in early childhood, becoming a mother is a chance for a mother to survive in this system. Mom needs her mother so much that it is not possible to “abandon” her - children are not abandoned. So adult daughters remain with their mothers forever. Together at home, together on vacation,... together, together, together..., and the adult daughter’s own life passes by.

But it also happens that despite her role in the parental family, the daughter still manages to get married. True, only formally, in soul she still remains with her mother. She can bring her husband to live with her mother; outwardly, there will be good reasons for this action, of course. Trying to balance two mutually exclusive desires: to remain a mother for my mother and a wife for my husband. But you can become, in the full sense, a wife for your husband only by being a daughter for your mother.

Therefore, a lifelong mental conflict is formed. Such women very often say that they are torn between their mother and husband. And the choice, as a rule, is made towards the mother. The losers in this war are the husband and children. The husband goes either literally or with his soul: to the computer, the garage, to friends, to alcohol, to another woman, etc. And the children are trying with all their might to restore the family: they begin to get sick, behave badly, and ruin their destinies. And all with only one goal, so that mommy returns her soul back. To your family.

The tragedy of the daughter is that it takes very painful circumstances for her to decide to refuse her mother to replace her mother. Behind this is the fear that the mother will reject, because fulfilling this role was the only condition for contact with the mother. Now leaving this role will cause inevitable conflict in the relationship, resentment and aggression on the part of the mother. After all, looking at her girl, a mother sees her mother, but not her daughter. Therefore, it is unbearable for the mother to survive another “betrayal” (now from her daughter). This very often stops daughters from moving forward in their lives.

A daughter has another important role in her parental family.– the role of a psychological wife for the father. If a mother, due to her involvement in difficult things, for example, there were abortions in the system, cannot cope with her role as a wife, then in order for the husband to remain in the family, the mother unconsciously delegates all the rights of a wife to her daughter. And the daughter, out of love for her mother, accepts the role assigned to her.

Or the daughter has an identification with her father’s former love. Then, out of love for her father, the daughter replaces the woman he loved for her father. Growing up, such a woman will be active, lively, dynamically solving any problems. She is attractive, resourceful, has a tenacious mind, and quite easily achieves success in society. With their father they understand each other very well, they are on the same wavelength, but with their mother the relationship will be very difficult, like rivals.

Moreover, the mother, being the head of the family, easily begins to suppress her daughter. Without realizing what she is doing. Mothers and daughters in such families suffer greatly because they cannot find common ground, because in their souls they both feel that the love intended for each other remains unrealized.

In couple relationships, such women are very popular with the opposite sex (just like the man “mother’s husband”), they easily find partners, but creating a family for a long time with one partner can be extremely difficult, because the place of the partner in her soul is already taken by her father - the best a man in the world. Therefore, other men have no chance to compete with him. Such women can start a family with a man who remains with his mother - there is no competition with him. In addition, such a man copes well with the role of a mother for herself.

There is another dynamic where the daughter stays with the father. These are daddy's aborted children from a previous relationship. Moreover, it does not matter whether the father knows about them or not. The daughter, identified on an unconscious level with her aborted brothers and sisters, has a deep connection with those women whom her father left.

Perhaps they wanted to start a family with him, but had to have an abortion. The pain of these women hangs in the family field. No matter how the mother tries to show her love for her daughter and no matter how the daughter strives for her mother, their movement towards each other is burdened. The relationship with the mother is mostly complex and tense, and the relationship with the father is even more difficult. It is quite difficult for such daughters to start a family or maintain existing relationships.

Because it is difficult to accept life at such a price. Namely, the price of her life is the lost love and/or children of her father's women. After all, if he had married one of them, she would not exist. Then, on an unconscious level, out of loyalty to them, the daughter also begins to destroy her couple relationship and also loses love. And, most painfully, this service does not give her the opportunity to get closer to her mother.

There is another family dynamic that forces adult children to stay with their mothers forever. When the mother has a tendency to go into death. Those. in her soul, the mother strives to go to the dead people dear to her: early deceased parents, brothers or sisters, children, etc. Then, feeling the mother’s desire to die, the child unconsciously makes a decision - to stop the mother at any cost. And stays next to her. Unconsciously controlling her presence.

An example of this is adult children who remain to live with their mothers until their death. At the beginning they say: “I live with my mother.” And then: “Mom lives with me.” Such children destroy their families in order to return to their mother. Or they don’t start a family at all, don’t have children. Or, on the contrary, they give their children to their mother so that they fill the spiritual emptiness of the grandmother. Still continuing to wait for mom to someday return from her pain and finally give them her love. But this doesn't happen.

These are not all the speakers that work in the system. For example, if the mother failed to realize her dreams and aspirations (work, marriage, hobbies, etc.), then the daughter is perceived as an extension of herself, but with new resources and energy. Those. the mother seems to be replaying her fate through her daughter. She gets involved with her daughter’s fate with great energy, leaving everything of her own for the sake of realizing her daughter, or rather her dream.

Only a daughter, having accepted such sacrifices from her mother, will feel unbearable guilt, for which she can only pay with her own life. For example, not to create or destroy your family. Fathers similarly expect their sons to follow in their footsteps and become the continuers and guardians of their work. Most often, out of loyalty to the parent, children are ready to fulfill his will. And then a “mission” appears - to realize the deepest hopes and aspirations of the parent.

It’s a fairly familiar story when parents expect their children to give them everything they didn’t receive from their own parents. A child can give his parents only what a child can give - respect and gratitude, the result of which is his successful life.

With the birth of a child, a woman receives a lot: in society and her family she receives status, value and significance. In the soul there is deep satisfaction from women’s natural self-realization, which is felt as inner happiness, confidence and comfort. Not many people know what kind of mental anguish women who are unable to have children go through, how many mental and social difficulties they have to overcome. And what mental work they have to do to accept their childlessness and remain in society without pain for themselves.

Thus, With its appearance, a child makes the mother truly happy. It fills the mother, helps her develop internally. Finally, the most important women's mission is being realized - motherhood. Having become a mother, a woman feels peace, comfort, and grace at a deep level. She calms down - everything is going right.

The arrival of a child is always associated with expansion, movement towards life, towards God. The child discovers a huge inner strength - flow. One day, one woman described her condition during pregnancy: “It’s an amazing feeling when God is inside you, and you are inside God.” But that’s not all, the child continues to raise the status of his mother in society as he grows up and achieves success in life, creating his own family and having children.

And even when the child is terminally ill, or has a difficult fate, or even if the child has died, the woman still does not lose her honorary status as a mother. Therefore, when children are looked at as ungrateful creatures who bring only problems, anxieties and heaviness into the lives of their parents, for which the children then owe their parents for life - this is a clear indicator of the violation of systemic, spiritual laws for many generations.

When the soul has the strength, love and support of its own parents, i.e. The ancestral energy flows correctly - from ancestors to descendants, then children cannot be a burden. Giving to children is easy and joyful, but being a parent to your own parents is truly an unbearable burden.

If a child failed to be a child in his parental system, then he experiences enormous mental pain and a large number of claims against his parents. Having become an adult, even if his parents have already died, he continues to wait in his soul for something to happen and for his parents to finally change, for them to finally notice him and make up for everything that they once did not give him.

But if a child insists on his claims against his parents, he cannot separate from them. He continues to wait, he continues to look at them, but not into his life. These claims tie him to his parents. The connection becomes very strong and negatively colored. In this state, parents and child are separated.

For an adult, only one solution is possible - to leave the parents to their fate. Agreeing with their choice. A child cannot do this, because... he is completely dependent on his parents, but an adult can. An adult has his own family, children who need him. It is very important to let parents go where they want to go with love and respect. Then life can go on.

In nature, it is so arranged that the mother releases the child into life in stages. As you grow older, further and further. The first step is when the baby is just born. Now mother and child occupy different places in space. Everyone has their own boundaries. Now the child is nearby, but not inside. Then a year, when the child himself begins to move in space.

The next step is at three years old, when the mother lets the child go to the father to explore the world. This is the age that in psychology is called “I’m on my own!” Then elementary school, when the first teacher becomes a big authority and what she says and does is more important for the child than what the mother says and does. At this time, a very important quality is formed - trust in another authoritative adult. This will give you the opportunity to seek help from other people in the future. After all, parents will not always be there and cannot know everything.

Then adolescence, when friends become the authority. The age when a teenager explores and tests the strength of his own and others’ boundaries, his capabilities. Trying to answer the question: “Who am I?” It is this age that parents are most often afraid of. But this period becomes difficult not because the child has become a teenager and hormones have “hit” his head. But because violations of systemic laws have not been eliminated in a timely manner, which means that the teenager now has a lack of internal confidence, stability and parental support. And the previous separation stages were also ignored and skipped. Now the teenager will be able to separate and defend his boundaries only through conflict.

Well, the last stage is adolescence, when adult children begin to look for a partner and start a family. A new family is the final frontier when parents let their children go forever. Now the child, as people say, is a “cut off piece.”

In nature, animals and birds themselves push their adult children out of the parental nest. It continues life.

There are no ideal parents. Moreover, we develop and grow thanks to the imperfections of our parents. Of course, it is impossible to forget and ignore the pain that a mother or father caused. This pain lives inside. In many ways, this childhood mental pain determines our lives. Psychotherapy can help resolve this issue. But if you look at the facts, and they are known to be uncompromising, then the parents did the most important thing - they gave life. This is what now belongs to us until we die. We can do the rest ourselves. And this is the choice of an adult.

Each of us received something from our parents and we all lack something. In this sense, we are all equal. Then it's just a matter of the person himself. What life position will we choose? That we lack a lot or what we have is enough to start the journey? In the first option, we will conflict with the whole world, make claims, and become depressed from our own powerlessness. It will be difficult in interpersonal relationships, since there is a great fear of evaluation, strong criticism of the world and dissatisfaction with it.

Or vice versa, By connecting in our soul with the fact that we have received something, we can accept it, feeling gifted. In this case, you can give to others. This is agreement and harmony with parents as they are. “It’s important to give up what you couldn’t get from your parents. From longing for closeness with parents. Whoever has fewer claims gets more,” said S. Hausner. A mother can do a lot for her child, but when a mother can no longer give us more, it is important to gratefully accept what has already been given to us. This is what gives you the strength to do the rest for yourself.

Statistics show that among people who grew up in orphanages, there is a very small percentage of people who have become successful and prosperous in their lives. But among those who achieved something in their lives and were successfully socialized, the main internal attitude was to rely precisely on the fact that they had been given life and it was in their hands. And for those whose lives did not work out, the internal emphasis was shifted towards the fact that life had deprived them of so many things. Therefore there is no point in living. This is what happens.

In adult life, the main role is no longer played by the parents themselves, but by the image that we have in our souls about them. That's what matters. We shape our reality in accordance with our internal images. The image changes - the reality changes. It is not necessary that the relationship with parents will be ideal, although the result of constellations for many clients is often an improvement in relationships with parents.

The changed internal image of one’s own parents gives a person the opportunity to feel strength, warmth and support, regardless of the fact that the parents are still in difficult situations. An internal distinction appears between the intertwined (burdened) part of the parents, which has nothing to do with the child, and the giving one, that is, that parental part that only belongs to the child.

This is a great and fruitful spiritual work. The result of which is deep inner maturation. Then it is possible to tell your mother: “Yes, you are my mother.” And the soul calms down. As Bert Hellinger said: “One becomes a father and mother not through any moral qualities, but through a special performance that is intended for us. This is a kind of service, a great order of being that we serve.”

And if you don’t freeze in your childhood pain, but go further, accepting your childhood as inevitable, as something that was predetermined, when you can tell your childhood: “I agree with you,” then in an amazing way, from somewhere deep, you will be released great inner strength. And then a clear understanding comes that only through our mother could our deep spiritual development and movement towards God take place.

Over time, the feeling comes that our mother is the right mother for us. Exactly the one we need - with all that she has, and with all that she does not have. She is the best one for us. Like our destiny, filled with deep inner strength, which gives us the opportunity to move forward, grow spiritually, become stronger and be filled with something greater than ourselves. It is no coincidence that our soul once chose this one out of so many women. It turns out that only she, our mother, could fulfill for our souls what we came to this earth for.

There is a saying: “A mother is not the one on whom you can always rely, but the one through whom you learn to stand firmly on your own two feet.” published

Closer to people

Opening speech

Discovery of theology

Discovery of the Spirit

The selection process for the group is underway. There are still two “extra” people in the group beyond the size announced by Alekseichik: 18 people. And among the participants there are two believers - a Catholic and an Orthodox. It is to them that Alekseichik suggests removing the extra two. Both froze - obviously praying. A Catholic proposes to solve a theological problem. Anyone who fails this “exam” is sent outside the group. The Orthodox man looks around the circle, focuses on one woman and asks her: “Do you believe that it is not my own will that I remove you from the group.” She looks him straight in the eye, says, “I believe,” and leaves the group.

It is not enough to know your sins and try to get rid of them. One must also know the virtues by which one can be saved. At the menacing moment of fair accusations against one of the group members, at the “hour of judgment,” the voice of one of Alekseichik’s students sounded: “Can you have mercy on him?” And the Beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount begin to live in the group.

Alekseychik to students: “Pay attention - face, face, face, face, face, face. What a huge difference and how much can be said with these words! The child has a face, a muzzle. But a huge dog, scary for a child, has a muzzle.” “Notice what a huge difference: “happens in us” and “happens to us”
Opening new horizons

The discovery that love is a Gift, which, even if it doesn’t exist, can be asked from the Lord. The very formulation of the question: “What do you need, but don’t have it in you? What gifts are you missing?

Rostov, December 1999, main railway station.

We are standing with Alexander Efimovich at the newsstand. “What are you reading now? So, I buy and read these paperback books - Marinina, Dontsova, etc. And you know, to be closer to people. Read what your customers read, see what they watch. By the way, what do you think of Louise Hay? How about consumer goods? But in vain. Find what millions find in it.”

Rostov-on-Don, November 1991. Alekseychik tells me: “I was at your central market - the poverty is incredible, but people began to move, spin, spin, they no longer expect anything from the authorities, they rely on themselves. Some knitted socks and took them out for sale, some sang songs, some started selling their own pies. Good signs."

Rostov-on-Don, December 1999. Alekseychik once shared: “Amazing experiences. I walk through Rostov and feel like a Nepman. I never felt like a rich person. And now, with my Lithuanian salary, after the Russian default, I walk around Rostov and can afford to buy everything in any store. “Very important experiences are to be in different times and in different capacities, to be both a slave and a master, both poor and rich - for the fullness of life.”

Official point of view

A high-ranking administrative official in the field of Russian psychotherapy comes to Rostov and gives an open lecture at a medical university. He talks about Russian psychology, that it is like a runner who was almost a lap behind, was running behind everyone, and suddenly the rules changed, now everyone is running in the opposite direction and, therefore, we are now ahead of the rest, etc. And that the Russians have their only home-grown method in psychotherapy, similar to our traditional food called “okroshka” - multimodal, etc., a long name, thanks to this method we have now become ahead of the rest.

And so he says that “there is a direction of psychotherapy in which we definitely do not have our own tradition - existential psychotherapy. The Western tradition comes to us through Lithuania, through Professor R. Kociunas.” I ask: “What about Alekseychik?” Chief: “What are you talking about, what kind of existential psychotherapy can Alekseichik have - this is a typical provocative shock therapy, a very private method. Back in Soviet times, a very definite opinion was formed on this matter.”

Completeness human life

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Completeness human life

* The history of psychology is full mainly of people of the first type, in their own way, of course, very well prepared, who worked mainly with patients, trying to understand what led them to illness. The goal of such psychologists is to warn against everything bad that can happen in life. Their intentions were good, and their efforts brought us all great benefit. But nevertheless, a special place in history belongs to the “father of humanistic psychology” Abraham Maslow. He dealt not so much with the sick and the causes of illness, but with the study of healthy (“self-realized”) people, trying to understand where health comes from to a person. Abby Maslow was obviously a "Bon voyage" type of person. He was more interested in how it turns out that things are going well than in why they are bad. He was more eager to find the source of full-blooded human life and thought less about how to prevent possible troubles on the path of life.

* Following the tradition of Maslow's humanistic psychology, I would now like to outline a person who lives a full life, and make a number of observations about what exactly makes him healthy.

* In general, we can say that those people who use all their abilities, strengths and talents live full-blooded lives. Their feelings are fully manifested: both outward-oriented, towards the perception of the surrounding world, and inward-oriented, associated with the experiences of external impressions. No human emotions are alien to them; they are open to any forms of expression. Heightened sensation life permeates their mind and heart, manifesting itself in volitional decisions. Many of us are instinctively afraid to live and act to our full potential. For the sake of safety, we prefer not to take risks, but to accept the gift life as if in small, carefully measured doses. A person who lives fully is confident that if he lives and acts with full dedication, the result will not be chaos, but harmony.

* Feelings of those who live in fullness life, directed outward and oriented inward, are developed and do not become dull. They see the beauty of the world, hear its music and poetry, feel the aroma of every unique day, they know admiration for any moment of existence. Of course, the ugly sides life their feelings are offended, but they are protected by the perception of her beautiful side. To be alive in everything means to be open to the whole range of human experiences. It is a struggle to get to the top of the mountain, a struggle that is rewarded by the majestic view of it. Living life to the fullest means having a developed imagination and sense of humor, maintaining spontaneity and liveliness of emotions. Such people experience the entire spectrum of human feelings - surprise, awe, tenderness, sympathy - right up to the delight of ecstasy and the despair of the end.

* Such is the mind of one who lives life to the fullest. These people understand well the wise saying of Socrates: “It is not worth living without thinking.” They always have something to think about. They are able to correctly ask life their own questions and are flexible enough to let her pose the questions to them. They will not live thoughtlessly in an incomprehensible world. More than anyone else, they live both by will and feeling. These people truly love and sincerely respect themselves. All love begins with this, is built on the ability to truly value yourself. Life brings them joy and satisfaction, happiness to be themselves, just as they are. And they love others with understanding and attention. Care and love are the main content of their attitude towards everything. In their life there are people who are dear to them, whose happiness and safety are important to them as their own. They are devoted and faithful to those they love.

* The life of people who live fully, joyfully and festively is not at all like a long funeral procession, every tomorrow is a new opportunity that they look forward to. Life and death take on their meaning. And when the hour of death comes, their hearts are full of gratitude for what was, for “what we were,” for everything beautiful that was given to them, for all life experience. A smile illuminates them when at the end of days they remember their lives. And this world will always be for them the best, happiest place for a person, because this is where they lived, laughed, and loved.

* The so-called sweet life should not be mistaken for a full life. People who live their lives to the fullest experience both success and failure precisely because they live to the fullest. They avoid neither pain nor pleasure. They have a lot of questions and not many answers. They cry and laugh. They both dream and hope. The only thing that is alien to them is passivity and apathy. They say life an energetic “yes,” and of love a resounding “let there be.” These people experience growing pains, moving from the old to the new; their sleeves are always rolled up, thoughts overtake each other, and their hearts burn with fire. They are mobile, always in the process of development - children of constant evolution. How to take this path? How to join this dance life in its entirety?

* There are five steps you need to take to get fat life. Each of these five steps involves the emergence of a significantly new understanding, perception. The deeper this novelty of perception of oneself and the environment life, the more possible it is to achieve completeness life. Briefly, these five steps boil down to the following: 1) accept yourself, 2) be yourself, 3) forget yourself in love, 4) believe, 5) belong. Obviously, all growth begins with the fact that a person accepts himself with a feeling of joy as he is. Otherwise, he will forever be involved in an endless and painful internal civil war. If we accept and see ourselves in a positive light, then we are already freed from the burden of doubts about whether others will approve of us, whether they will perceive us as we are.

* The more we accept ourselves, the more free we are. We are given the freedom to be ourselves with full freedom and without hesitation. But on the other hand, the desire to live only for oneself and to love only oneself builds prison walls around us. We need to learn to go beyond our “I” into the wide expanse of genuine loving relationships. The sincerity of love and the relationships based on it will depend on our ability to truly love. When love takes a person beyond the limits of the “I,” he must find faith. Each of us needs to learn to believe in someone or something so deeply that life takes on meaning, a sense of our own mission, a personal calling. And the more a person devotes himself to this calling, the sooner he will be able to develop a deep sense of his personal belonging to the community, to discover the reality of community with like-minded people.

* Let's now look at each of these steps.

Accept yourself. People who live life to the fullest accept themselves as they are, and do not live with dreams of tomorrow or hopes for the opportunities that may someday open up for them. They treat themselves with the same warm and joyful feeling that arises when meeting those whom we sincerely admire. Such people realize that there is good in themselves, starting with the small things (gait or smile), the talents given to them by nature, and ending with the virtues that they have developed in themselves. When faced with imperfection or limitations in themselves, they approach it with compassion, trying to understand rather than blame themselves. Source full life lies in the person himself, in psychological terms this means that joyful acceptance of oneself, a favorable opinion about oneself, a sense of self-worth and honor become the initial attitude that directs the movement of the individual towards a complete and comprehensive life.

Be yourself. Accepting yourself gives you the opportunity and freedom to lead a real life. Only those who have joyfully accepted themselves can take the risk and responsibility of being themselves. Most of us use different masks when playing certain social roles. The mechanisms of our former “I” operate within us, which try to prevent new injuries, but they also separate us from reality and dull our vision, depriving us of the ability to live. Being yourself means many things: freedom, the right to experience and convey to others your feelings, ideas and affections. This means thinking for yourself, deciding for yourself, making choices. Anyone who can do this has risen above the humiliating need to constantly seek the approval of others. Such people are not for sale to anyone. Their feelings, thoughts and decisions cannot be rented. “Be true to yourself” - this is the life principle on which their image is built life.

Forget yourself in love. Having learned to accept themselves and be themselves, people living in the fullness of being come to master the art of forgetting about themselves - the art of love. They learn to move beyond their own self to truly care for and take responsibility for others. The scale of a person’s personal world is determined by how wide and deep his heart is. The real world becomes our home only to the extent that we have learned to love it. Fully living people leave the dark and cramped world of egocentrics, where they always live alone. They have developed empathy, the ability to deeply feel what others are experiencing. And it turns out that you can enter the world of other people’s feelings, as if they were “inside” their own world or they themselves entered the world of their loved ones. Therefore, the world of a person living in fullness suddenly expands, and the ability to perceive a variety of human experiences increases enormously. Such people become “people for others.” Some of the “others” are dear to them, and this brings that feeling of personal devotion about which it is said: “No one has greater love than that.” With their whole lives they will protect those they love.

Being a loving person is not at all the same as being a so-called doer of good. "Doers of good" use other people as a convenient opportunity to demonstrate their own virtue, which they take great care to maintain. The one who loves learns to shift the center of his attention and interest from himself to others, to deeply care about them. The difference between those who do good and those who love is the difference between life on stage and a life full of real love. cannot be imitated. Concern for and interest in others must be genuine, sincere, otherwise our love means nothing. This is very important: you cannot learn to live without learning to love.

Believe. By learning to look beyond their own interests, people who live fully discover meaning life. This meaning is found in what Viktor Frankl called “a special life calling or mission.” It means dedication to a person or cause in which one believes and to which one can dedicate oneself. This devotion to faith shapes life and gives meaning to all efforts and actions. Devotion to their life's task elevates such people above the pettiness and narrow-mindedness that overwhelm a life devoid of high meaning. When life is devoid of such meaning, a person almost completely surrenders to the flow of his own drives in pursuit of sensations. He can only experiment, look for a “new fashion”, a way to break out of the circle of boredom and monotony. Deprived, a person wanders in the wilds of drug hallucinations, in the fog of drunkenness, in a labyrinth of meaningless orgies; he seems to be obsessed with the desire to itch, even when there is no itch. Human nature abhors a vacuum. We must find a cause to believe in, otherwise we will spend the rest of our days trying to compensate for our own bankruptcy.

Belong. The fifth and final component of the complete human life is “a place called home” and the sense of community that comes with it. A community is an association of individuals who “have things in common” and participate in the possession of the most valuable thing they have - themselves. They know each other and are mutually open. Each of them is for others. They give themselves and their lives to others in love. Those who live life to the fullest have a similar sense of belonging - to their families, to their communities, to the whole human family. There are other people around them with whom they feel good and communication with whom gives them a sense of mutual belonging. And they have a place where their absence will be felt and their death mourned. When communicating with loved ones, these people find mutual satisfaction in giving or receiving.

On the contrary, the feeling of isolation always impoverishes and destroys us internally, pushing us into the abyss of loneliness and alienation. Human nature is subject to an inevitable law: we cannot become anything less than an individual, but we cannot be simply and only individuals. People are not islands. Butterflies are free, but we need the heart of another person to become a home for our heart. Only by having a home can you find the peace and tranquility that people who live life to the fullest have.

* This is the appearance of people living life to the fullest. They have overcome these five stages of inner development that I spoke about, and the main question that they ask in life, sounds something like this: how will I receive and bring the greatest benefit today, will experience more joy and pleasure from communicating with these people, will best solve the problem facing me. With their words and deeds, such people create rather than destroy, their attitudes are flexible, and they are capable of sustainable and mutually enriching relationships.

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