Forex jokes and jokes of traders
FOREX jokes, trader jokes, jokes about traders
A trader came to a palm reader: “You determine the future by lines, right?” - Yes, of course, I determine everything: past, present and future. “Great,” said the trader and laid out a stack of printouts of stock charts in front of him.
In a financial company:
I heard your trader hanged himself. I want to take his place.
Director: - So you should not come to me, but to the director of the cemetery.
The trader was summoned to the tax office. - Here you indicated in your income statement for last year thatyou earned ten thousand, and, according to our data, you spent at least a million during this time. What is thisMeans? - What do you mean... I can’t make ends meet!
In the life of a securities speculator, the day may one day come when any security becomes valuable.
A mathematician is asked: - what is the probability that if you go out into the street now you will meet Napoleon?
The mathematician surrounded himself with reference books, calculators, computers, locked himself in a room for three days and gaveanswer: - approximately 0.000001 percent.
The same question was asked to an experienced trader. The answer followedimmediately: - 50/50, either we will meet or we will not meet.
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2030: two trading robots are talking.
First: - Imagine, the other day I met a man who successfully trades on the stock exchange. I want to put him in charge my assets.
Crazy?! Putting a person into trading means you're obviously infected with viruses, get checked!
Oh, this carry trade! - I understand you so well! - No, you don’t understand! - I understand perfectly. - You don’t understand, you don’t even have a deposit. - Yesterday it was!!!
A trader is rushing along the highway on a racing motorcycle: he overtook one car - showed the fact, overtook another -showed the fact several times. Approaching a railway crossing, and there a semaphore signals its approachtrains. The trader slams on the brakes, but does not have time to stop and exactly runs into the closing barrier.
The motorcycle flies out from under him and under the train and turns into a cake. A trader hangs on the barrier and thinks:“No need for forced closure...”
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London, City, seven o'clock in the morning, the hall of a large office building. There are traders on the ground floor near the elevatorand analyst. The elevator arrives and the doors open. The trader asks: “Well, now, up or down?”
Two traders meet. One asks the other: “Who are you, a bull or a bear?” The second one, looking at him with sad eyes, said: “Yes, I’m a goat, a goat...
Lieutenant Rzhevsky asks Natasha Rostova: - Natasha, would you give yourself up for 100 dollars? - Naturally,lieutenant... - And for 100 rubles? - Ugh, lieutenant, what a vulgar person you are. - No, I was just clarifying the spread.
- What is the difference between praying in a church and in a dealing room?
- Those in the dealing room do it much more sincerely.
An unemployed broker selling potatoes at the market is always easy to recognize - he has two prices: for buying and for sale...
- Hello Vladimir!
I frantically finish my chewing and mumble into the phone...
- Alo-alo, Vladimir, can you hear me?
I'm almost finished...
- Vladimir, why are you silent?
I finally finished and say:
- Mouth is busy)
The client simply killed me on the spot, he asked:
– FOR LONG???
Just like that, then we laughed for a long time)))
History in the fitness center
My story: I am a sales manager at a fitness center. An ordinary working day, I go out to meet the client, show the club, present the club cards... After a short conversation, one might say, at the moment of making a decision, the client carefully asks me: “When will it be possible to discuss my purchase with the manager, I would like to talk to him too chat?"
P.S.: In the evening, when I took off my badge, I saw that it was not mine. It was written there: “Irina, massage therapist.” Apparently she left it on my table, this happens here...
Case with a colleague
The incident happened to my colleague. As a rule, managers have at hand, in addition to telephone and email, a number of different instant messengers.
There are a lot of contacts, and this is one of the fastest ways to respond to a client’s question. So, one working day, my colleague received a question on ICQ about a request for components. The question came from a friend named Igor. My colleague received exactly the same request via email this morning. mail.
My colleague has a friend who works in the same field as us, and his name is Igor. 100% sure that this request was from his client, my colleague writes to his friend in ICQ that he received this request from the client today, and why, in fact, he is interested in this request. To which he received an answer that it was he who sent this request and decided to clarify how things were progressing there.
My colleague was a little confused, but refused to capitulate. Being an impulsive person (and communication with a friend was informal), my colleague, feeling that he was being scammed, went on the offensive. With the words “Why are you here for me…. Look, it’s definitely not you who sent this request,” he unleashed a bunch of indignation on Igor. But on the other side of the screen there was a response wave of indignation, saying this and that, yes, I sent it, etc. with the same turns and embellishments of Russian speech.
Ten minutes of verbal skirmish could have continued for a long time, but then my colleague received a message in ICQ and the window blinked. Opening it, he saw that his friend Igor had written to him, and on the other side of the screen was the client who was sending the request. This is where the realization of what happened came. After all, yesterday my colleague, sending contacts to a new client after tel. call, indicated one of the means of communication - ICQ. The client decided to quickly resolve the issue, but that was not the case... 😀 I had to, of course, apologize to the chief engineer of the enterprise, Igor Petrovich, but this is one of our best customers.
A politician, a bandit and a trader went to hell.
The politician asks Satan to call, saying how is my country, my people.
Satan holds out his mobile phone - call. The politician quickly talked for 5 minutes, found out everything, and returned the mobile phone.
How much do I have to pay?
5 million...
He kept telling me, but he wrote out a check.
The bandit asks to call his brothers - please!
I called back in a couple of minutes.
How many?
10 million...
There was nothing to do, I had to pay.
The trader says: “Let me call too, I need to talk to my colleagues.”
I chatted for about 15 hours about quotes, about futures, about shoulders, about the situation on the market, and I didn’t even forget to discuss the topic of boobs. He fought back and asked: “How much is it from me?”
Devil: “Ten bucks and change, forget it, I forgive you.”
The politician and the bandit shouted: “What the hell is this, what the hell!”
And Satan says: “Calls from Hell to Hell are charged as local calls.”
Conversation between two traders:
What are you reading?
Elliott wave theory.
What about upside down?
What's the difference…
I guessed the entry point... But..., I was wrong with the direction.
You can easily make a small fortune on the stock market if you have a big one.
The market has bottomed out... and started digging.
Oh, this carry trade!
I understand you so well!
No, you don't understand!
I understand perfectly.
You don’t understand, you don’t even have a deposit.
It was yesterday!!!
Trader in a hair salon. The hairdresser asks:
Normalizing.
After a while the hairdresser asks again:
How's the situation on the stock exchange?
Normalizing.
After another 5 minutes the situation repeats itself. Finally, the trader can’t stand it anymore and wonders why he keeps asking the same thing.
Hairdresser:
Because the hair on your head stands on end, cutting it is convenient.
Two traders went on a trip in a hot air balloon. Suddenly a strong wind blew up, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below:
Hey buddy, tell me where are we?
You are in a hot air balloon 20 meters above the ground.
The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. Looks like we
met a stock analyst?!
Yes. And you, probably traders, you never know where you are.
A trader is rushing along the highway on a racing motorcycle: he overtook one car - showed the fact, overtook another - showed the fact, and so on several times. He approaches a railway crossing, and there a semaphore signals the approach of a train. The trader slams on the brakes, but does not have time to stop and exactly runs into the closing barrier. The motorcycle flies out from under him and under the train and turns into a cake. A trader hangs on the barrier and thinks: “No damn forced closure...”
If they rang your doorbell and said that they came with a warrant.
Be sure to specify which one, Stop-Loss or Take-Profit.
If the callers have neither one nor the other, do not open the door.
Somehow, shares priced at 1 cent appeared on the American stock exchange.
The broker bought it. The next day the same shares cost 2 cents. The American reasons: “I’ll keep them for now, maybe they’ll grow even more...” And sure enough, the next day the shares are already at 3 cents.
An American calls his broker:
Sell it urgently!
A wife asks her trader husband:
Dear, we have been living together for so many years, but I just can’t understand what you do?
Well, look, he answers. - We decided to breed rabbits, we bought baby rabbits, cages, and all the other “tops.” And at night there was a flood, and all the rabbits drowned...
So we sit in the morning and think, why didn’t we buy fish yesterday?”
The broker is in a fever. The doctor tells him: “Your temperature is 37.5!”
An hour later: “It’s already 38!”
Another hour later: “38 and a half!”
The broker, barely moving his lips: “It will be 39 - sell!”
There may come a time in every person's life when any paper turns out to be valuable.
Grandfather and grandson are sitting, drinking juice. Mom comes in:
You heard that American stocks have risen in price again.
And you buy our shares, why should ours rise in price?
My dog reminds me of our analyst. - ??? - He is constantly digging for something, while looking at me with intelligent eyes and cannot explain anything....)))))))))
An analyst and a trader come to the races. The trader runs to the window to place a bet, and the analyst says that he first needs to know the rules, calculate the betting technique, track trends, analyze information...
You think too theoretically!
After the race, the beaming trader withdraws his profit. An astonished analyst approaches him. Trader:
Everything is very simple. I figured out the technology!
And what is she like?
Everything is very simple. I have two children, three and five years old. I just added up their ages, got nine and bet on this horse!
But five and three is eight!?
Well, I’m telling you, you’re thinking too theoretically!
A new trader gets a job at a financial company.
During the interview he is asked:
Why were you fired from your previous job?
For health.
What were you sick with?
It was my boss who was sick, not me. Every time he saw the results of my work, he felt bad. This couldn't go on for long; one of us had to leave.
Hello! We are starting a seminar “How to earn a million rubles in one day.”
Question for the audience. How much did a ticket to the seminar cost?
One thousand rubles.
How many seats are there in this hall?
I hope everything is clear to everyone. Thank you, the seminar is over.
A mathematician is asked:
What is the probability that if you go outside now, you will meet Napoleon?
The mathematician surrounded himself with reference books, calculators, computers, locked himself in a room for three days and gave the answer:
Approximately 0.000001 percent.
The same question was asked to an experienced trader. The answer came immediately:
50/50, either we will meet or we will not meet.
The exchange rate of the dollar and euro against the ruble will definitely stabilize - after all, it simply cannot increase every day.
Excuse me, but are you really the Minister of Finance?
Santa Claus sits in a snowdrift, beaten, wiping away his tears. A passerby asks: “What’s wrong with you?”
Yes, I went to congratulate the members of the hunting club and wished them many, many large moose.
It turned out I had the wrong address. Traders were walking there...
A drunk broker in a bar calls a luscious blonde over to him.
Darling, what will you answer me if I offer you 100 bucks for the evening?
The answer will be<ДА>.
What if I only offer 10 bucks?
The answer will be<НЕТ>, you goat, are you taking me for a whore?
No, I'm just measuring the spread.
An old trader sits in front of the monitor, working. There he knocks down two points, here five, and so on all day. A young trader comes up to him and let’s criticize him: - Yes, how do you work, yes, you have no system, but all you do is bullshit... The old trader turns to him and says: - You know, I’m tired of being smart, I want money.
The broker was drafted into the army... And immediately thrown into a hot spot...
There the commander gathers their group and says: “For each spirit head you bring, I will give you $50.”
By the evening everyone returns, but the broker is still missing... Well, they have already decided that they killed him somewhere, mourned him and forgot about him.
Here... a week later a truck arrives, a broker is driving, and the back is full of spirit heads. Everyone is shocked!!!
The commander, slightly recovering from the shock, says: “Listen, we won’t have that much money. Let me pay you at least not 50, but 25.”
And the broker told him: “NOOOOOOO!!! I just can’t - I took 40 myself...
The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes don’t coincide...
A client calls an investment company:
Idiots, buy me RAO for everything!
The trader was offended and went to the director, saying that the client was insulting him. The director asks:
What is his account balance?
Million dollars.
Idiot! Buy him RAO!
Two traders are standing near the toilet and one asks the other:
Are you long or short?
Stock statistics are like a swimsuit: What it reveals is very important. But what she hides is much more interesting.
Roman Abramovich sold his soul to the devil and used this money to buy a place in heaven...
The President speaks:
“This time we are ready for a new crisis, our foreign exchange reserves are strong, nothing threatens us”
How do you like this experience? I think money is money, but you also need to relax. Suggest your own versions of anecdotes, jokes, stories, etc., the most interesting and funniest ones, I will add them to the next issue. Until next articles.
Hello dear traders and readers of UTmag. I bring to your attention several interesting and educational facts about the stock exchange that interested me, and I hope they will interest you too. 1. There are several versions of the origin of the concept “”, in one of which it takes its roots from the surname Van Der Burce, who was a Dutch merchant. The fact is that in the thirteenth century in the city of Bruges, he provided a place next to his house where various merchants and traders gathered, most of whom were money changers. By the way, there were three wallets on his family Coat of Arms, which inclines many to this version. The second version refers to the Latin word bursa - leather wallet. In many European languages, this word has common roots, so in French the word boursa simultaneously means a student scholarship, as well as a stock exchange. In German this word will be borse, and in Italian borsa. It is also interesting that in the Middle Ages in Western Europe this was the name for dormitories for poor university students. 2. We all know such concepts as “bulls” and “bears”, but where did these concepts come from? Why are traders who are short-sellers called “bears”, and those who are long-term traders “bulls”? The point is that this is connected precisely with the behavior of these animals, like this: bears hit with their paws down, and bulls, on the contrary, with their horns up. 3. The largest stock exchange is the New York one. It so happened that in Russian financial slang they called her Nyusey. This happened because of the abbreviation NYSE - New York Stock Exchange. 4. How did stock trading begin in New York? In 1792, about twenty merchants agreed that if the weather was clear, they would gather under the poplar tree, and if it was cloudy, they would gather at the Francis Tavern. Although the exchange itself is now located on Wall Street, neither the rules nor the amount of commissions have changed since then. 5. Did you know that exchange participants work on the principle: “Whoever is louder gets the most profitable”? This fact was perfectly presented by N. Nosov in his novel: “Dunno on the Moon”, it can be called a fascinating trading textbook for children. In the novel of all brokers 
he called them loudmouths and loudmouths, and so that they would not create unnecessary noise, they worked in the middle of the lakes at the stock exchanges who had dropped anchor there. 6. Sometimes the traders themselves, in order to stand out from the loudmouths and loudmouths, wore huge heels so that they were better visible. It was because of this that in the year 2000 the Chicago Stock Exchange adopted a resolution that limited the height of traders' heels. The purpose of this resolution was to reduce injuries. 7. In 2009, the magazine “Finance” conducted an interesting experiment: What income will the monkey show? Thirty cubes with companies that list their shares on the stock exchange were placed in front of the monkey, and she chose eight of them. At the end of the year, summing up the results, the monkey showed greater income than the investments of NINETY-FOUR percent (94%) of Russian collective managers. 8. Interestingly, the Chinese word for stock exchange is 交易所 (jiaoisuo). This word will consist of 2 parts. The first part, also known as the first two characters (交易), means trade. The second part (所) denotes place. That is, a “place of trade.” You can even say that the word “exchange”, as in Russian, does not exist in Chinese. and there is a “place of trade” that is understandable even to anyone not related to finance. It is curious that the word “fair” has the same basis, differing only in one hieroglyph. That is, for the Chinese there is no difference between a fair and an exchange, which is essentially true.
Jokes about the stock exchange and jokes about the stock market
Anecdotes about the stock exchange about the stock market as well as jokes about Forex and traders
What is this, again, a breakdown of a fractal according to DeMark through Fibonacci!!! - thought the trader and swore dirty.
A stockbroker is asked to explain the essence of the stock market game. “Imagine,” he says, “that you buy a pair of rabbits and put them in one cage. After some time, you already have six rabbits. You buy a bigger cage and move them there. After some time, you already have twenty of these rabbits. Buy more rabbits and soon you will have more than a hundred of them. - How simple! - the interlocutor is surprised. - Yes... And then suddenly there is a flood, and all your rabbits died and you suffer from morning to night with the thought: “Damn it, why didn’t I buy mirror carp!”
How to play and win on the stock market
First Rule of the Exchange. Who knows - does not say, who speaks - does not know. Second Rule of the Exchange. If everyone thinks that prices will rise, prices will not rise.
A hero trader is driving along the road, he sees a fork ahead, three roads, a stone, and on the stone there is an inscription:
“If you go to the left, you’ll get a moose; if you go to the right, you’ll get a moose; if you go straight, you’ll also get a moose.” I began to think about where to go if there was such an ambush everywhere. There’s a voice from above: “Hey, decide quickly, otherwise you’ll get a moose right here!!!”
A mountain shepherd is standing, tending sheep. Suddenly, the turntable lands, a young man comes out,immaculate suit and tie. “Are you a shepherd?” Silence. “I want to tell you that you are herding the sheep incorrectly.” Look... He takes out his laptop and connects to the satellite. - Do you see? Here's a picture. Here you can clearly see that behind that slope the grass is greener and lush. YouDo you agree? I see that they agree. You need to drive the flock here. Would you like to have your transportation routes selected? Please! There are three routes. I answer right away that you cannot go along this route: you see, there are wolves here.
Of the remaining two, this one is shorter, which means you’ll like it. As a fee, I take one sheep... And he goes to the helicopter, but suddenly hears: - You, you’ve probably been doing consulting for a long time... - Yes, but how do you know? called Secondly, you ask the questions yourself and answer them yourself. Thirdly, put the sabaku on the place...
WHAT IS THE FOREX MARKET
Three economic analysts on the hunt. They see a big deer. One takes aim, shoots, misses - a meter to the left. The second one takes aim, shoots, misses a meter to the right. The third analyst, without shooting: “Well, on average we killed him!”
The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes don’t coincide...
Two traders went on a trip in a hot air balloon. Suddenly a strong wind blew up, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below: - Hey, buddy, tell me, where did we end up? - You are in a hot air balloon 20 meters above the ground. - The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. Looks like we've met a stock analyst?! - Yes. And you, probably traders, you never know where you are.
2 financial analysts meet: - Listen, what’s going on? - I can explain... - I can explain too. WHAT IS HAPPENING???!!!
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Why did you decide to work on the stock exchange? Do you have experience or economic education? - Well, I watched “The Wolf of Wall Street.”
Dad, I want to be a trader.
Only over my corpse.
Well, in general, I have already lost 100 pieces on the exchange...
The daughter says to her mother - Mom, I’m marrying a trader!
Mother - Are you crazy, daughter, today he’s rich, and tomorrow he’s poor, he’s always better off as an analyst
"chocolate"!
The trader returned home drunk after the party and said to his wife: “Bring me the basin, I’m going to puke.” The wife brought a basin, set it up and waited, 5 minutes passed, she: - Well, come on already. - Sorry, dear, but the trend has turned sharply - I crap myself!
John Rockefeller dreamed of earning $100 thousand and living to be 100 years old... but he earned $318 billion and died at 97. Not all dreams come true...
A Jewish banker has died. Relatives are swarming around the coffin. It's time to start the funeral process, but they still don't stop their fuss. The manager enters the room. Manager: - what's the problem? Its time to begin. One of the relatives: - oh, you understand, the late Izya Markovich asked in his will to put all his money in his coffin. We've already compacted them, but they still don't fit. Manager: - oh, sho, you don’t know what to do? Write him a check!
A journalist asks Soros:
George, did your wife give you these horns?
No... stock exchange...
- Did you play for promotion?
No... I caught the "moose"
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Two traders come out of the exchange, one wearing only shorts, the other completely naked. Naked says to the one inpanties: -Here is Vasya, for which I respect you, you can stop in time.
What is default? Default is when you order a currency prostitute who also charges in hryvnias at the exchange rate, and after one hour there are not enough hryvnias to pay.
The trader is lying on the couch, doing nothing, laziness, in short. Lost the day before to dust... For colaflew out... He can no longer move... He lies down and looks out the open window. And he thinks: “If a fly flies into the window within a minute, then I will become rich and great...” He waits... half a minute passes... doesn’t fly... 45 seconds pass...
The man is already nervously swinging his leg... 50 seconds pass, he is already sweating... And then at the 53rd second such a fat fly flies in... Trader smiled contentedly, sighed with relief, closed his eyes and fell asleep...
A new Russian attended lectures on stock trading and calls a friend: - Kolyan, I took a course on stock trading, so can you imagine, the lecturer said that stocks don’t grow without
kickbacks. It turns out that here, too, you will have to spend money on kickbacks - complete chaos!
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It's nice to look at the sea! You look at the shore and there is rollback after rollback...
Spring dialogue. - Has anyone noticed the connection between air temperature and the dollar exchange rate? - But there is a connection between the dollar exchange rate and cranial pressure and adrenal function...
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Two traders are standing near the toilet and one asks the other: “Are you long or short?”
Two stock speculators: - Now I can’t sleep because of this crisis. - And I sleep like a child. - Can't be! - Yes, I wake up and cry every hour!