One photographer, being invited to a party, took several of his photographs in order to show them to the guests on occasion.
The hostess, seeing the pictures, exclaimed:
- What amazing photographs! You apparently have a very expensive camera!
The photographer didn’t answer her, but said goodbye at the end of the evening:
- Thank you, dinner was cooked perfectly! You must have very good pots!
Two photographers walk with cameras, look around through viewfinders,
take pictures. Some stumbled and fell. The second one immediately lies down next to him:
- Great angle! What are we filming?
My husband is printing photographs in the bathroom. The wife comments loudly:
- I can imagine what kind of photographs these are if they need to be printed in the dark!
New Canon cameras specially for Russia, now added to the red-eye removal effect is a red nose removal effect.
A man comes to a photo studio, and there the photographer is a woman. He undressed and said:
- Girl, take an erotic photo of me.
- Sorry, but we don’t do macro photography...
The main enemy of photo and video shooting at children's New Year's parties is the butts of the teachers...
I can disfigure anyone with just a flick of my finger!
- Oh, you must be a jiu-jitsu master?
- No, I'm a photographer!
Fashion model on set. Photographer:
- Now, dear, put on your face deep thoughtfulness. I'll help you: what is 7 times 9?
A photographer is walking along the river bank.
- Man! Quicker! My friend is drowning! - the woman catches up with him.
“Sorry,” he says, “but I’m already out of film...
A photographer for a geographic magazine is tasked with photographing a large forest fire from the air. In the morning, having reached the airfield, he sees a plane standing on the runway and warming up its engines.
Very impatient to start working, the photographer jumps inside with all his cameras and shouts to the pilot:
- Forward, forward, let's fly!
The pilot accelerates the plane and they take off.
- Fly to the north side of the fire and make three or four passes at low altitude.
- For what? - he asks.
- Because I need to take pictures! I am a photographer, and all photographers take pictures!
After a long pause, the pilot says:
- Are you saying that you are not a flight instructor?!
The photographer takes pictures of the wedding for a long time and finally proclaims:
- And now, allow me to capture the happy couple!
Everyone is at a loss.
“The bride and her mother,” explains the photographer.
A man and his mother-in-law are walking along Deribasovskaya. The photographer stops him.
- Would you like to take a photo with the monkey?
- Get off me, I can’t look at her anyway!
New Lefty: managed to put his name and photo on a 1x1 pixel picture...
Just wondering how it is that in the photographs of your studio everyone laughs so naturally?
- You wouldn’t be so surprised if you knew what our photographer looks like!
A guest is looking at a photo album. The owner explains:
- This is a sinking ship, this is a train wreck, this is a fire in a hotel, this is a hurricane, and this is my wedding.
At the bank, the gangster silently hands the note to the teller.
It says: “Place all the bills in a large bag and, without attracting attention, hand it to me.” The cashier writes the answer on a piece of paper: "Straighten your tie. You are being photographed."
Photographers are special people. They are completely in love with their profession, and if it is a hobby, then they devote all their free time to it. I would even say that they are crazy in their love for photography. It’s not for nothing that a huge number of films have been made about photographers, thousands of jokes have been invented, and millions of photographs have been taken. Photographers are always the focus of the photographers themselves. The photographer sees the photographer from afar. In this publication we will introduce you to funny photographs, the heroes of which were photographers, and funny anecdotes about these wonderful people with cameras.
Dear readers! Surely you have taken funny pictures of your colleagues, people with cameras, and heard funny stories about photographers and photographs. Send them to our editorial office. The best materials will be published in the magazine, and their authors will receive a prize! Our address: [email protected]
Text: Oles Slipy
Anecdotes and photographs
For example, I believe that a person who buys a camera immediately falls into the category of photographers. When I bought my first camera, I immediately felt special, different from everyone else. I immediately began actively photographing everything around me, registered on several sites and won two competitions: “Clouds” and “My Lunch.” It was very nice when they handed me a saucepan and a diploma. But then there was trouble, when I was photographing the storm, I was washed away by a wave and my camera was lost. But it was even more unpleasant when the photographer who photographed me being washed away into the sea received a prize of 15,000 euros at a photo competition for this photograph of his. At the same time, I signed that I was dead. I had to sue him and I won 25,000 thousand euros. I bought myself a camera and now I walk near the waves during a storm. Suddenly someone else wants to win the competition. (Photographer Petrenko)
How did it happen that in the photograph of the coat of arms, there was a double-headed eagle?
He turned his head when he was photographed.
Are you responsible for making sure I look like myself in the photo?
I give a full guarantee.
And for how long?
A man and his mother-in-law are walking along Deribasovskaya Street. A photographer stops them.
Would you like to take a photo with a monkey?
The mother-in-law suddenly hugs the man tenderly and asks: “Take it off!”
My husband prints photos while locked in the bathroom. The wife says loudly:
I can imagine what kind of pictures these are if they have to be printed in the dark!
On the sea beach, a photographer asks permission from a pretty blonde to photograph her for a fashion magazine.
Of course, but with one condition: I will take off my bathing suit so that my husband does not recognize me.
If you are photographing a rabbit, then you don’t need a flash, its eyes are already red.
Newspaper "Pravda". A large photograph is published on the front page: Brezhnev visits a leading pigsty. The entire editorial board is thinking about what signature to put:
Brezhnev in a leading pigsty;
Brezhnev among record-breaking pigs;
The best pigs and Leonid Ilyich...
Final version: third from left - General Secretary of the CPSU Central Committee Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev!
The smoke-drunk watchman carefully peers into the mirror, then studies the photo on his pass for a long time and says: “Everything is fine, it matches.” Go-oh-go!
Photographer of the model:
I'll take small photos so you don't have to smile so big.
Dear Private Vasya! I am sending you, as you requested, my photograph. Sorry it's only up to the waist! And below we all have the same things.
In this photo I am three years old.
Oh, so it turns out you were bald as a baby?
No, you turned the picture upside down!
A blonde from the podium shouts into the audience:
Remove the photographer immediately! With his long and thick lens, he interferes with the flow of my thoughts!
Stop a moment! I'll change the card, replace the lens and battery!
Will I make a fashion model?
Only an identikit.
Today in the photo studio “Bird” a bird actually flew out of the camera lens. The child laughed and clapped, the photographer fell unconscious and was taken away by an ambulance. The special services took over the camera...
When checking the camera, the bird flew out again, but when it saw the major, it came back.
Photographer:
And now, beauty, show deep thoughtfulness on your face. I’ll help you now: how much is 8 multiplied by 7?
Many negative faces look positive.
How is it that in the photographs of your photo studio everyone laughs so naturally and effortlessly?
Oh, if only you could see our photographer!
Two photographers walk with cameras. They don’t take their eyes off the viewfinders and take photographs. Suddenly one tripped and fell to the ground. The second one immediately falls nearby:
Great position! What are we filming?
I can mutilate anyone with one finger!
Oh, you know karate?
No, I'm a photographer!
A man comes to a photo studio, and there is a girl photographer there. He undressed and said:
Take an erotic photo of me.
We don't do macro photography...
A photographer is walking along the seashore.
A woman catches up with him:
Quicker! My friend is drowning! - shouts.
Sorry,” the photographer smiles guiltily, “but my card is already filled out...
If the photo album is thin and very small, and the photo is one and ugly, it’s a passport!
The photographer takes pictures of the wedding for a long time and finally proclaims:
And now, finally, I want to capture the happiest couple.
The guests are perplexed: hundreds of photographs have already been taken.
The bride and her mother,” explains the photographer.
A client, receiving her photograph in a photo studio, swears:
Who is this? Scary to watch!
Look at yourself in the mirror! – the photographer says offended.
Reshoot!
In the morning the photographer issues a new photograph.
Great! You can if you want!
Sure you can. This is a photo of my assistant in a gas mask,” the photographer mutters in response.
I recently found out: a photo for memory and a photo on paper are two big differences!
From the photographer:
Mr. Photographer, this is not my photograph.
How so, yours, and it seems that it worked out.
Well, the nose is not mine.
And it’s true, it doesn’t seem to be yours.
And this mole! Where is this mole on my face? No!
Hm, really, no.
And then this one is old, and I’m young. This one lies in a coffin, but I’m still alive.
Mr. Photographer, I’m with my daughter, I just want to warn you that she has a squint.
It's okay, we'll straighten out the eyes.
But she is very burly.
Let's press our ears.
She doesn't even have enough teeth.
Let's draw the teeth. By the way, if it’s not a secret, why are you photographing her?
Isn't it clear? For your passport! Who will marry her without a passport?
Chukchi people are photographed on their passports. The photographer cheated, took one photo and distributed it to everyone. One Chukchi says:
The photo is definitely not mine.
The photographer was sincerely surprised:
Are your eyes?
Is this nose yours?
Is it your face?
So why isn't this your photo?
The jacket is not mine.
A photographer for a geographic magazine is tasked with photographing a large forest fire. But due to the heavy smoke on the ground, good shots were not possible, and he calls the editorial office with a request to rent a small plane for him. The editor-in-chief assures that the plane will be waiting for him at the local airfield. And indeed, in the morning, having reached the airfield, he sees a plane standing on the runway and warming up its engines. Very impatient to get started, the photographer jumps inside with his many cameras and shouts to the pilot:
Forward, forward, let's fly!
The pilot accelerates the plane and they take off.
Fly to the north side of the fire, the photographer tells the pilot, and make three or four passes at low altitude.
For what? - he asks.
Then I need to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and all photographers take pictures! - the photographer gets annoyed.
After a long pause, the pilot says:
Are you saying you're not a flight instructor?
Once a photographer took a picture of actress Greta Garbo. She really didn't like the photo:
What happened to you all of a sudden? Last time you photographed me so well, but here I don’t look like myself at all!
“Oh,” the photographer said, smiling sadly, “I was a full twenty-five years younger then.”
The person who found the passport in the name of Vasily Vasilyevich Popin is kindly requested not to laugh at my
Photography.
Citizens! Use express photo telegraph to send money. In one hour, the recipient will receive an exact photocopy of your money!
An old woman brought a portrait of her late husband to the photo studio.
Can you make it bigger?
No problem, madam.
Can you remove the hat?
Certainly. Please describe what kind of hairstyle he had.
For what? You'll see when you take the hat off his head.
Mr. Photographer, do you photograph blind people?
No? We already have ready-made photographs for the blind.
After a friendly party, one of its participants, a photographer by profession, brings a friend to his studio.
D-r-ru... live...!.. Can you c-make me a group... photo... photography?
Of course! Please... stand up!
Seven Chinese come to the photo studio, stand - three below, and four on their shoulders, then vice versa - four below, and three on their shoulders.
The stunned photographer, having completed his work, asks:
You are probably acrobats?
No, why do you think so! It’s just that one of us was told to bring a photo for documents, but he forgot which one, either 3x4 or 4x3.
The police sent out a photograph of the wanted criminal from seven angles to all stations. After some time, a coded message was received from one police station: “Six have been arrested, the seventh is being monitored.”
Private Petrenko received a letter from his girlfriend. He said that he had met someone else and was asking for her photo back. Petrenko grieved, then collected all the unnecessary photographs of women from the entire company and sent them to the girl with a note:
“Honey, unfortunately, I can’t remember which one of them is you.
Please leave your photo and send me back the rest."
"New Russian" bought a photo studio. He advertised in the newspaper: “We need a fashion model for erotica. One hour of work is 10,000 bucks!”
Many applicants came and one was selected. We photographed her for 3 hours. Then the owner comes out and announces:
Payment on the spot, in cash. Hey, photographer, how many times did you click?
One hundred and twenty frames.
What shutter speed did you set?
One five hundredth of a second.
The owner turns to the model:
Well, in reality, you didn’t even work for half a second...
Sarah Bernhardt and Elizabeth Taylor pose for a photograph: Alone:
Raise your chin higher, dear... Another: -You too, especially the second one!
If you think that the photo didn’t turn out very well, don’t rush to throw it away. Just take it out in 20 years, and your opinion will change dramatically.
One day, after a photo shoot, the photographer was invited to dinner at the client’s place, and he took the finished work with him to give it to the client. The customer's wife, seeing the photographs, exclaimed: What wonderful photographs! You definitely have a very expensive camera. The photographer did not answer, but on leaving home he said: Thank you very much, dinner was prepared amazingly. You probably have very expensive pans.
An international photography competition called “Gulf of Finland” was won by a photograph depicting a Finn drinking vodka straight from the neck of a bottle on the Neva embankment.
Photo-Lefty: in a 1x1 pixel image he managed to fit his name and a photo of his beloved woman...
As soon as you notice that you look like your passport photo, you urgently need a vacation.
Photomodel competition. The organizer enters the hall and calls the names of three models:
Ivanenko, Petrenko, Sidorenko...
Me, me too, me too...” another one asked, jumping up and down.
The organizer looked at her carefully:
Okay, you too. Get out of here immediately!
People used to take pictures not for an avatar, but for memory. And people don't took pictures of cats. And if the cat got into the frame, then he received trends, not likes.
Nowadays, a real girl should not only cook well, but also good to photograph what I prepared.
Came to a girl's house for dinner.
She, after looking at his photos, exclaimed:
- What wonderful photographs you have! Probably you very good camera?
The photographer remained silent.
But, leaving, he said:
- Thank you, dinner was very tasty. You must have very good pots
Why do blondes stand near the window during a thunderstorm?
- Because they they think they are being photographed!
Guess the riddle: the glass eye will point, click once - and we will remember you. Who is this?
- The optimistic answer is a photographer. Pessimistic - sniper.
Fashion model on set. Photographer:
- Now, dear, put on your face deep thoughtfulness. I will help you:
- What is 7 times 9?
Two pleasant, but rather large ladies went on vacation at the seaside. We decided to take a photo for memory. Come over on the beach to the photographer and ask:
- Take a photo of us, please. Just so that we are not fat.
To which he answers them:
- Go neck-deep into the water...
Two photographers are walking with cameras, look around through viewfinders, take pictures. Some stumbled and fell. The second one immediately lies down next to him:
- Great angle! What are we filming?
— I'll make a fashion model ?
- No, only identikit.
The photographer delivers the work to the customer. The customer nods with satisfaction and agrees with everything:
- Well, everything seems to be accepted!
- Great, you have 15,000.
The customer, giving the money: “I hope, if I need to improve it later, can I contact you? It’s not like you did it once and forgot?”
- Of course, depending on what and how needs to be corrected.
- Well, of course! I won’t say “Let’s redo everything”!
- No problem. By the way, one more point. Can I then, if I suddenly run out of money or have new plans, can I contact you about paying a little extra? This is a small thing, I need it very rarely, I think it won’t bother you.
- ???
- Don’t worry! I won’t come up to you and say, pay me again!
Blonde in the studio. Naked. Half a turn. Hands behind your head.
-Are you sure that This is the photo you need for your passport?
- That's it photo I am five years old.
— Sorry, but it turns out that you were already bald at that age?
- No, you’re holding photograph upside down!
When photographers argue among themselves, and they run out of arguments, then, according to tradition, they begin measure your camera lenses.
At the Original Design Atelier, the client places an order:
— Please make me a roll of toilet paper with portrait in this photo. On both sides and along the entire length. Do you guarantee quality?
- Don't worry! Your portrait will be made with the highest quality.
- How did you guess that it was my mother-in-law?
“And yesterday she ordered sanitary pads with the image of her son-in-law from us.” We you recognized from the photo attached to her order.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
If you look like your passport photo, then it's time for you to go on vacation.
There are no unphotogenic women - there is not enough film.
From the photographer’s point of view, the expression is absolutely meaningless: “The photographer showed restraint”
Previously, people blamed everything inexplicable on otherworldly forces, now they blame it on Photoshop.
If the photo album is small and thin, and the photo is one and ugly, then this is a passport.
If you think that you took a photo poorly, then look at it again in ten years, and your opinion will change to the opposite.
Every camera has a master button, but only Ken Rockwell can find it.
An autotourist is a person who travels 5,000 km to take a photo in front of his own car.
Jokes about photography and photographers
Why do you pile food on your husband in such an untidy heap?
- He is my photographer - if everything is laid out beautifully for him, he will put on the light and shoot until everything cools down!
I can disfigure you with just a flick of my finger!
- Are you a karateka?
- No, I'm a photographer!
Two photographers talking:
- And I met a girl yesterday!
- Beautiful?
- It depends on how you put the light...
Two aspiring photographers are walking with cameras. They look around through viewfinders, take photographs... One tripped and fell. The second one immediately lies down next to him: “Great angle! What are we filming?
My husband is printing photographs in the bathroom. The wife comments loudly: “I can imagine what kind of photographs these are if they need to be printed in the dark!”
Dialogue in the photo studio:
- Now, baby, smile and look here, the bird is about to fly out!
- I'm tired of these fairy tales. It’s better to take a light meter, check the lighting and set the aperture correctly.
Just wondering how it is that in the photographs of your studio everyone laughs so naturally?
- You wouldn’t be so surprised if you knew what our photographer looks like!
A Scotsman, looking at his friend's wedding photograph, asks:
- Why did you and your wife take pictures at such a distance from each other?
- If we ever get divorced, we can cut the photo and everyone will take their own picture.
In the maternity hospital, a young father takes photographs of his newborn son, first from one side, then from the other - he shot the entire film in one fell swoop. The nurse asks him:
- Is this your first child?
- No, the child is already the third, but the camera is the first.
A mother who gave birth to twins is asked to show a photograph of the babies, she shows:
- But there’s only one baby here?
- And the second one is exactly the same!
One photographer was invited to a party. Just in case, he took with him several of his photographs to show them to the guests on occasion. The hostess, seeing the pictures, exclaimed:
- What amazing photographs! You apparently have a very expensive camera!
The photographer didn’t answer her, but said goodbye at the end of the evening:
- Thank you, dinner was cooked perfectly! You probably have very expensive pans!
Dictionary of a "cool" photographer
|
Hey, listen! Cover your diaphragm! |
Jokes and gags about photographers
- A Why do you need so many lenses?
- This one shoots so that you are smart, and this one makes you look beautiful!
- Well, then take our second photo!
IN camera sales department:
— Hello, are you looking for something specific?
- No, I’m just figuring out what to save for half my life.
- A lol! You just sent me a photo from your cell phone...
- Oh, sorry, apparently the buttons were pressed accidentally.
- It needs to be blocked. Or at least don't put it in your panties.
Murphy's Laws for Photographers
1. Light.
- There is always little light, except in cases where there is too much of it.
- The sun is shining from the wrong direction.
- You always want to move the shadow a little
- There is no such thing as perfect light, except by chance. when the flash drive runs out, the battery runs out
- when shooting a series with flash, the puff will not illuminate on the desired frame
- and even if it lights up, it won’t be as it should be
- if you expose the light from the sun, a cloud appears
- if you set the BB, the color of the lighting will change
- if you shoot in difficult light (for example - daylight from a window + fluorescent lamps + incandescent lamps) - then the best frame in composition is almost impossible to pull out in the light
- if you don’t have a puff diffuser with you, the ceiling and walls are always colored
- if you have all your belongings with you for a puff, the batteries have run out (a spare set is either at home or flat)
- colored diffuser is always the wrong color
- you will find out about this only after the session by looking at the photos
2. Technique.
- Flash drive. the battery runs out exactly one frame before the MASTERPIECE!
- the best scenes in front of you are when the camera is left at home
- You check ISO after a series of portraits (obviously costs 1600+)
- After filming a luxurious street scene, you take the flash drive out of your pocket....
- Autofocus is always slow! (although a DSLR is much better at this)
- Auto white balance always lies on the most valuable frames
- One leg is not secured to the tripod and during the night shooting he decides to go to sleep for a couple of minutes of exposure
- After photographing an elk peeking out from behind a bush, remove the lens cap
- in the replacement kit for puffing, the battery is lost at the right moment
- when batch processing portraits, use a strong Sharp, and a winter landscape with crisp twigs - Blurish
- Having received a camera with a lens from repair, you check it (the camera) on another lens, and after half an hour of closing the repair shop, you find out that the lens that was returned with the camera is dead.
- after the head of the service swore that everything will be ready tomorrow - a couple of months pass, and the service changes its address a couple of times
- the camera breaks down the same evening as it was brought back from repair with the same diagnosis
- during warranty repairs in the service (shipping only a week in one direction) it turns out that having fixed one thing, something else is completely damaged
- In the process of sophisticated printing in the bathroom, as the paper is being sent to the developer, someone turns on the light for a second
- the most expensive photo paper turns out to be all overexposed
- of the 4 tripods with interchangeable heads available at one point - all heads are not interchangeable
- The most expensive filter is not used at all
- If you ask someone to take a photo of a photographer and give him a camera, then in the photo the photographer will be without a head.
- If there is a telephoto on the camera, then the bird jumps under your feet... The same thing - with the camera wide - something very interesting happens in the distance.
- if you don’t have a macro lens or macro rings with you, well, you’ll come across such luxurious insect flowers
- A heavy tripod taken on a hike is of no use... A tripod not taken is always needed.....
- a tripod with a device on which it is puffing + the most expensive lens - falls!
- when shooting with zoom there is constantly not enough range
- the printer and monitor lie about the colors... Always... But every time it’s different... The result is that the print is always not what you want.
- the printer ran out of ink at the moment when you urgently need to print a photo for a person you rarely meet.
- A unique photo printed with non-waterproof ink will be wet (option: lick)
- The cat will be able to overload (turn off) the computer at the most inopportune moment
- The number of megapixels in the camera is always more than the lens allows, it is too much for processing and transfer and unnecessary noise, and it is offensively low when printing landscapes and cropped images.
- having replaced the carcass (glass) with another (a couple of classes higher), you understand that the new carcass (glass), while solving old problems, introduces a bunch of new ones that you didn’t even suspect about
- if the batteries in the camera are not enough for a photoset, you buy a spare one - then the spare one is never useful, and if you still need it, it turns out to be uncharged
3. Filming
- when taking a group photo, there is always someone yawning or closing their eyes. If no one yawns, then who really sneezes?
- a thoroughly washed child at the time of shooting is smeared with something, for example chocolate
- if you decide to capture chocolate smeared picturesquely on your face, then by the time you press the Main Button, your child will have wiped his face with the most noticeable part of his clothing or furnishings
- The bird (little animal) is always ready to pose until the moment the lens cap is removed. The most loyal ones wait until the camera is ready to shoot and immediately disappear...
- when conducting a photo shoot, the combination of the model’s readiness, the photographer’s readiness, the equipment and the room’s readiness is practically a miracle
- the model will come to the photo shoot in clothes that are not in harmony with the environment (option - with cosmetics that glow strangely from the light of the puff)
- when shooting a model outdoors - the number of midges exceeds all reasonable limits
-the best shots in a photo shoot are the very first and the very last, taken offhand, and not a carefully constructed frame
- if you take rain protection with you, it’s dry and vice versa - if you have an umbrella (cape) at home, then the rain is constant
- when you gather a lot of people for a group photo shoot, the wrong people come at the wrong time
- you can’t plan time for a photo shoot!
- someone will try to sit on the trunk
- at this moment the most fragile parts are in the case
IN 2 photographers meet:
- How are you?
- Yes, I photograph weddings...
- Hmm... so you can sleep too much...
-Yes, I don’t drink...
-Why then do you photograph weddings???
N and in photographs of Ukupnik with his poodle, Ukupnik himself is confused about who is who.
- A That's my girlfriend in the photo...
- Fuuuuuck!
- What are you doing?! Here she is, on the edge...
- Ah-ah-ah! Another thing... Where are you?
- ...And I'm "Fu."
- TO The Chinese government has decided to no longer include photographs in passports.
- Why?
- For what?
D Many photographers walk with cameras, look around through viewfinders, and take photographs. One stumbled and fell. The second one immediately lies down next to him: - Excellent angle! What are we filming?
M The model and the photographer are drinking tea in the kitchen and having a leisurely conversation. Suddenly the rattling of a key is heard behind the door.
Photographer: This is the wife! Quickly undress and let's go filming!
Rules for a cool photographer
1. The first rule of a cool photographer: never show your pictures!
2. The second rule of a cool photographer is don’t show your pictures to anyone! If they still ask you to show it, excuse yourself. Tell us about the terabytes of raw files on your computer, the workload, about copyright and related rights, about contracts with Harper’s Bazaar, Esquire, and other glossy magazines and advertising agencies.
3. If you have a blog, from time to time post pictures of recognized photographers in it with moderately laudatory comments like “this is how you should shoot!” Theorize more.
4. As a last resort, post a couple of abstract photographs with the note “well, I’m playing the fool” (or “these are my youthful experiences”). Not more!
5. Register on as many communities, forums and websites dedicated to photography as possible. Speak out often, scold moderately, without fanaticism. Use expressions: “mediocre”, “dull shit”, “the horizon is littered”, “your matrix is dirty”, “withered colors”, “where is the idea?” (option “where is the concept?”) and so on. A real cool photographer will always find something to criticize. Don't praise! Beginners are bullied until they are completely destroyed.
6. Learn the terminology. The words “exposure correction”, “bracketing”, “crop”, “polarization”, “bokeh” should bounce off your teeth like “daddy-mama”. Use them!
7. Learn the lingo and use it confidently. Call a lens a “lens,” a wide-format lens a “wide,” a flash a “puff,” and an aperture a “hole.” Say it's more convenient.
8. Despise the rules, but hate those who do not respect them.
9. Learn the names of a couple of famous photographers and know their statements in detail. Use them when theorizing and criticizing.
10. Install the latest version of Photoshop on your computer. English. Master the “stamp.” Tell everyone that you don’t use Photoshop at all! And blaspheme everyone who uses it.
11. Photo filters are crutches for cripples! A universal lens is only suitable for the armless and legless. A professional uses different lenses for each occasion, and uses his legs and head to zoom in and out of an object!
12. Get a camera. Remember: “Kenon” is cheap and pop. Panasonic, Sony, Olympus and Konica are garbage. As a last resort, take Nikon or Pentax. Better - Leica or Hasselblad. If you don’t have enough money, find a wide-format “Kyiv”. You don't have to take photos - just carry your camera with you.
13. In general, the more lenses, flashes, filters, exposure meters you have in your bag, the cooler you are!
14. Find a friend with a photo studio and hang out with him more often.
15. From time to time, disappear for a day or two. Say that there was a big order, I didn’t leave the photo studio. Or that he flew to Kamchatka to photograph geysers on his own National Geographic helicopter.
16.Keep a diploma from some photography school on your desk, but don’t forget to say that you have long outgrown your teachers.
17. Memorize Ken Rockwell's article on photography. Refute it or justify it with examples depending on the situation.
18. Thoroughly study all models of cameras - up to 40 years inclusive. Regularly read releases of new products and know by heart all the cameras, lenses, and flashes available today.
19. Constantly monitor photo exhibitions. It is not necessary to attend them; just read the reviews.
- P I’m just curious, how is it that in the photographs of your studio everyone laughs so naturally?
- You wouldn’t be so surprised if you knew what our photographer looks like!
N New Lefty: managed to put his name and photo on a 1x1 pixel picture...
M Can I buy a fancy camera? I'll be a photographer.
Buy a piano! You will be a musician...
The photographer's last shot
B neighbors chatting:
- Why do you pile food on your husband in such an untidy heap?
- He is my photographer! If you put everything beautifully, he will put on the light and shoot until it cools down!!!
E If the photo album is small and thin, and the photo is one and ugly, then this is a passport.
Photographer's Dictionary
F OTOCAMERA - a cell in a pre-trial detention center in which only photographers sit. The most crowded cell, since we now have photographers on every corner.
DIAPHRAGM is the organ with which the photographer hiccups.
SHARPNESS - the photographer’s rudeness towards others.
FLASH is an unexpected aggressive emotion during which the photographer usually throws tripods at people.
PHOTO MODEL - a toy camera made of wood on which little photographers practice.
MIRROR is a disease of fat photographers.
PHOTO ARTIST - a photographer who does not know how to take pictures and therefore draws photographs in Photoshop.
A PHOTOGRAPHER is a pervert who has sex with cameras.
NIKON is the photo-patriarch who introduced a schism into the photographic church, dividing photographers into two parts: Nikonists and canonists.
CANON is the true law, which is followed by photographers who did not follow Patriarch Nikon.
Watering can is what nonconformist photographers who don’t give a damn about Nikon and the canons use to water the flowers in the garden.
HORIZON - a situation where a light bulb sets an umbrella on fire.
THE HORIZON IS OVERLOADED is the only correct comment to any photo.
WHITE BALANCE - the ratio of the amount of cocaine in the left and right nostrils of a glamor photographer.
GRAIN is the pasture that feeds a poor photographer.
GRAIN is a property of caviar that successful photographers eat.
Chiaroscuro is the photographer’s ability to move to the dark side of the force and into the twilight.
FRAMEWORK - the process of filming pretty girls with the condition "print for love".
VIGNETING is a term related to framing conditions, a misspelled French word.
BLINK is a photographic swear word like "b*" that a photographer uses to call models when they blink.
HISTOGRAM is an incomprehensible term that photographers use to intimidate each other, but they themselves do not know what it is.
ABOUT Dean the photographer, being invited to the party, took several of his photographs in order to show them to the guests on occasion.
The hostess, seeing the pictures, exclaimed:
- What amazing photographs! You apparently have a very expensive camera!
The photographer didn’t answer her, but said goodbye at the end of the evening:
- Thank you, dinner was cooked perfectly! You must have very good pots!