IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I STANDED UPON THIS FUNNY HOROSCOPE.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF... BUT SO MUCH THINGS COINCIDE...?!
TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE THIS SHOULD BE AMAZING TO YOU?
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as an engaging, energetic personality, endowed with the charisma of a born leader and revolutionary. He rapidly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.
The truth is that he is an overbearing, self-centered bastard, only interested in himself and with an inflated ego.
In Aries, Mars gives a person courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as hot temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. A typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in his way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are unlucky and fall under his feet, you will fully experience for yourself what an irritated Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even throw his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, out of the blue, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all he is afraid of being considered ignoble!
He is hurt by the condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take painful revenge. Although by nature he is not so vindictive. 
Aries does not reason in detail, he simply reacts to stimuli, he first acts and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think...
Without an iota of humility, he never admits his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.
You start arguing with him and a barrage of screams and insults will fall on you; if you prove that you are right, he will be offended like a child and go away to sulk in a corner. Aries is characterized by a complete lack of taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do it, they are more attracted to moving objects... They especially adore cars.
What is characteristic is that they are selfless in love...
CALF. (April 20-May 20) 
Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eater, thrifty homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of ruling the World.
But in real life you will have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with weight problems.
When you hear the word Taurus or bull, people’s imaginations conjure up an image of a large animal peacefully chewing grass, blinking its large shiny eyes with satisfaction. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves in his field, you will get such a storm!
Whichever Taurus you interact with, be it a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His rage is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will instantly regret that bullfighting was abolished in your country!
His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw protrudes forward at least a little, they subconsciously bow their heads and look at you from under their brows, just like a bull before an attack...
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, which gives it insatiability.
Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always small, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not to the fullest... They are emotional, but not intellectual, and from childhood they take advantage of hard work and diligence. They don’t know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they learn something, it’s for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or give up halfway... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist... They love to sit at all kinds of meetings, sessions, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper… 
They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, so neither logic nor reasonable arguments work on them. If you start arguing with him, you will feel like you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. His great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature and are prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to weight and therefore sometimes allow themselves harsh behavior, but they just want to eat.
Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, they like to be late... They are usually very good parents, but they like to pamper their children.
Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Geminis are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a lot of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.
In fact, being close to Gemini is like getting a job in a madhouse; surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.
They are not smart, but cunning, cunning and resourceful, rather talkers than philosophers. They think quickly and strangely, the main goal in their life is to become famous and, in turn, meet all the celebrities around them.
Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where famous audiences gather and talk about high things... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, the fast god who has wings on his sandals! He transports them from one place to another with lightning speed, and the element air is impermanence itself.
It is impossible to convince a Gemini; they are very stubborn, but they pass off their stubbornness as breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but seem to glide along the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, but they know for sure that they are right! 
In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, they are attracted to new people by their freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly enchanted, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but can be consoled in a quarter of an hour by seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have an excellent sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always believe that their neighbor landing looks better and starts copying her, because they have two faces, they are constantly in change...
Envy, passion for gossip and intrigue, constant changes in mood and point of view... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they can especially cause a lot of suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios... But people fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more worthy than them... it’s just that these victims fell into the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them the same satisfaction as, for example, good music, a declaration of love, poetry, or a walk in the forest.
CANCER. (June 21-July 22) 
Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of domestic, private life. Compliant astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, is caring, and is completely devoted to family and friends.
The truth is that Cancers are slippery creatures, prone to manipulating people and, in turn, demanding absolute devotion from loved ones.
All water signs sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is simply a champion in emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily; the mood of Cancer is the ebb and flow of the tides, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can easily be rude, insult, and is very often ready to cheat, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.
Cancer is capable of joking, laughing and getting angry, or being offended and crying at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine...
He has several points of view on the same question and all of them, by the way, are correct; he is not at all stubborn, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way. 
Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even shudder, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.
Cancers don't reason, they get offended...
Weepy.
Forcing Cancer to look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he has lost, do not extend your hand to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves old things, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a bit of a seer in the eyes of other people, wonderful parents, but dubious partners... Especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and those around them often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely noticeable 
s in society, usually these are quiet mothers of families or officials mediocre, but this doesn’t mean anything, if Cancer gets a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole to illegally give himself an increase in salary. They love to work where there is a smell of money.
Leo is the fifth sign of the Zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Leos are proud, confident, fun-loving people, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely, these books were written by the astrologer Leo. 
In fact, Leos always crave to be in the center of attention, power fanatics of their own “I”, whose immaturity and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to control others.
Leo is ruled by the Sun, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers itself the center around which everything should revolve. Of course, they crave obvious worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider it the main thing in everything.
Leos are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky, or crafty quiet ones with a sense of self-esteem.
Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for a while, but don’t be deceived, there are no shy and shy Leos in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them moody, and when they lose touch with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially as they age, believing that their whole life is a vale of misery. In fact, they roar and cause suffering to others without the slightest embarrassment. 
Instead of building relationships with people, they torment them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.
Win an argument with him, he will fall silent, stare at you and go into the shadows, pondering the next attack.
Leos make the most devoted mama's boys. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it for the rest of their lives.
Lionesses make fanatical mothers who take great pleasure in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law.
Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully portray Virgo as a modest, practical, sweet person, logical, discerning and meticulous. 
However, if you take a closer look, you will find a restless, fussy, petty critic and a hypocrite, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.
Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Geminis, but they stand too firmly on the ground.
Virgos get worried about everything.
They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors and distribute unsolicited advice with the importance of a primary school teacher.
Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they completely ignore their character, which cannot be called pleasant.
Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life. 
All Virgo’s fantasies and dreams have an absolutely practical purpose, Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that the other day she just got a larger piece.
Virgo can get a job in any organization, even Horns and Hooves, and calmly have their own piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all, they fear for their health, therefore, no matter what, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking; they do not tell anyone, not even themselves, the whole truth.
Always on the sidelines, they know how to pull chestnuts out of the fire with someone else’s hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; she has long ago calculated the dividends for herself.
They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything has a depressing effect on Virgo.
Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easily recognized by their appearance, they are always neatly dressed and combed. Men often get married very late or even remain single, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men enjoy doing housework.
This sign, both in the Zodiac and in life, embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.
Astrologers endow him highest harmony, they claim that Libras are always impartial, diplomatic and always strive for peace, that they spend their entire lives looking for truth, beauty and the perfect life partner.
In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, hide those who like to pamper themselves, their Beloved, people who indulge only their own whims in everything, their ears are tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and greatness in them than in a green leaf.
Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that it gives a person an endless thirst for improvement. They definitely need to be the first, they are never satisfied, neither with themselves nor with their partner.
As one of the domineering cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal insult.
They get angry even if you just change the TV to another channel.
According to Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective and not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.
If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness because they are afraid of power. 
All Libras necessarily have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women it’s either weight, or height, or not-too-smooth skin; for men it’s even worse; even a beautiful wife won’t help him stop being tormented by the fact that someone else might be better...
Libras get married only by calculation; if the calculation turns out to be wrong, they often do not muster the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nagging, sometimes destroying him as a person.
At heart they are cowards and a shout is enough for them, but they are offended for life... They are geniuses in love and very often have affairs with married people, because to take someone away from them, what could be more pleasant? You don’t have to ask them for a loan... they won’t give it. When it comes to raising children, they are complete laymen, either pampering them or demanding impossible obedience; as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libras themselves are always disobedient and rough-necked in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people; they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!
SCORPION(October 23-November 21) 
Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, resides in the House of Death, Sex and Other People's Possessions.
Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate creature, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of rebirth and rising from the ashes, like the Phoenix.
But a comparison with Dracula rising from the grave is more suitable for him.
These are people possessed by obsessive ideas, very secretive subjects prone to assault, who feed their pride by humiliating others.
Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from boiling poisonous emotions, only thin layer skin.
The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed instinct for survival in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio; only he himself can hit him. Which is what Scorpio usually does at the end of life.
Scorpio rarely lives out his life happily; usually his unbridled imagination and instinct of ownership push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.
But mind you, not anyone, but only himself, is doing a dirty trick on himself.
His favorite game in life is Bonfire of the Inquisition. If you die, then you are innocent, if you remain alive, then you are guilty.
They deliberately cause harm to loved ones; as a rule, their marriages do not last long, especially the first ones, not very 
There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everyone in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are by nature endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant narcissism.
Their intuition is so developed that they see people 
through. Very religious. Perhaps the most religious of all signs.
If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you. Scorpios are very vindictive, they do not forget anything and never forgive.
They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late to them. As a rule, they are very hot-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, they are often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a broad gesture, but here 
they will demand something in return.
Their motto: All or nothing!
If you get a divorce, then they try in every way to annoy your ex and pay alimony with great reluctance.
Greedy beef and all the money in the world are never enough for them.
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and resides in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.
Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people with philosophical view on life and events in the world, passionate travelers.
However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a loudmouth and a bully, always speaking out of place. 
Sagittarius is ruled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his charges with a restless character and extravagance.
Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their generosity of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm you so much from the first meeting that they immediately remember this person and immediately promote them somewhere.
Becoming a leader or director is a piece of cake for Sagittarius, but he often won’t work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the podium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time educating humanity, which is mired in ignorance.
They don’t know how to act subtly; they need everything to be done right away.
They laugh very loudly or smile cloyingly, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides suppressed rage, and what a rage!
It is because they have to suppress their anger that many of them are violent criminals.
In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings. 
They were born in dark time years, when the days are the shortest and the nights the longest and their soul is often also twilight, they suffer from attacks of melancholy, they constantly want fiesta.
Their favorite entertainment is the circus; they love loud music, which is why there are so many artists, singers, and musicians among them.
Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. The lack of sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and they have frequent conflicts in their families, while they argue, yell, and then can calmly make peace and talk an hour later as if nothing had happened.
They are very emotional, capricious, and fickle.
They cheat easily in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start to prove your point, your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.
As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy 
protect themselves and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be another child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to be nursed by someone, they harass their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they love five-day days, because for them going to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home to the children after work, it may well go listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, although she doesn’t have any orchids.
Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: house elder, combatants, fireman, stewardess, conductor of the Moscow-Vladivostok carriage - what could be more pleasant?
Generous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.
It would be possible not to try hard with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.
If you are dealing with a Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his power, pompousness, these people clutch the Civil Code in one hand and the marriage contract in the other.
Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-minded. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then brought their weak-willed husbands into the people, and they were not given anything else. 
All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their herd. Although a fish tail in their sign indicates a moist and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely visible, they are not sweetly sentimental like Pisces.
Showing emotions is considered indecent, but they are hot-tempered.
More than anything else, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to achieve their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and listening to them is tiring, they do not have flights of thought and imagination, like Pisces and Gemini, everything is the naked truth. They also have a poor sense of humor. 
Capricorns are very serious and lack spontaneity. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?
They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It’s time, it’s time to start a family, I’m already an adult
Namely, they think about family, not about love.
In quite at a young age achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to be happy, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if not, then only their favorite JOB!
And only this brings him happiness; to all his partner’s lamentations he has an excuse: I’m busy! Money is an end in itself for Capricorn.
In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health and are chronic long-livers.
According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications He was, of course, a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.
If you win the argument, it is likely that your phone will ring at night; Capricorn has decided to offer you a counter-argument...
Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.
To you, he will most likely seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell everyone he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.
To bring confusion and disorder is the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he's doing this. 
Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has the desire to drink or smoke... They are very prone to bad habits.
Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.
Aquarius is ruled by two planets - Uranus and Saturn.
Uranus is the planet of sudden changes and revolutions. Saturn is the planet of dogma and suppression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.
Aquarians are aloof people, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.
They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when I save money, when I retire... But life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.
They don’t even wear clothes right away; they usually hang them in the closet for years until they go out of fashion.
They are often very insightful and have a good understanding of people, but their problem is that they can never understand themselves... Marriages with them break up easily, like ninepins... But they are never left alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired ...
By old age, their weakest organ is the head, often memory loss, and nervous disorders. Therefore, if you get an Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.
Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which absorbs the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to introspection, sensitive to the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals... 
Scrape off the gilt from them, and you will find a dreamer overturned by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.
Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and it is he who endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!
They evaluate every action through the prism of their prejudices, against which any truth is shattered..
This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all adversity easily, for the sole reason that not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the current carries them out on its own. 
They are not fighters, they don’t lay down their weapons, they don’t even know how to pick them up!
This makes them surprisingly resilient, but far from reality.
They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and unwillingness to take risks keeps them down and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is enormous.
They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are lazy...
Ambition is a trait generally unknown to them; they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital from it.
But Neptune is the god of the sea elements, so Pisces are hot-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and begin to talk as if nothing had happened, they have a wonderful sense of humor, but sometimes it is cruel satire.
All Pisces speak first and think later.
But they are certainly interesting people, and the taste, style and charm they have often makes you come to terms with and digest their intolerable character. 
They are quick-tempered, but quick-witted, they say about themselves, without noticing that they have a lot of enemies.
Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including the offenders, many take this for courage, but this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.
U Aries It’s a bit difficult with jokes, but it’s easy to make them laugh. Considering that Aries try to save face at all costs, they will laugh at every joke in any company, and so sincerely that you can’t imagine it being sincere. However, most of the jokes are well-worn jokes. But their authority is usually so undeniable, and appearance so presentable that bearded jokes performed by them are received with a bang.
Taurus
For the most part, he tries to adapt to his interlocutor, the company, and has a good sense of where to laugh and where not. Women- Taurus They rarely remember or tell jokes, but in a laughing company they will laugh heartily, even if they don’t quite understand the joke or it doesn’t seem funny to them. Taurus men will laugh exclusively at what really seems funny to them, and they find it funny mostly because of what it is impossible NOT to laugh at. Taurus rarely perceive subtle humor - they are connoisseurs of more down-to-earth, sometimes even black humor.
Twins
This is who the real connoisseur of subtle matters is - humor is no exception, especially if Twins found themselves in the same company with Aquarius or Libra. Bottomless wells of jokes and jokes, ridiculously funny phrases, Gemini will “light up” any company. They, like Aquarius, prefer original and fresh jokes. At the same time, they themselves can make up amazing stories, anecdotes and simply mind-blowing tricks on the fly. So the interlocutors can only guess whether Gemini just came up with this or whether it’s from his life.
Cancer
The nature is refined, especially for women. They do not like rude and cynical jokes - they prefer kind jokes. These are connoisseurs of subtle humor that is not always understood by many. Don't try to make Cancer laugh with an obscene joke - he, of course, will smile out of politeness, but it is unlikely to bring him pleasure. In companies Cancers As a rule, people listen to jokes more than they make jokes themselves. However, the latter is usually done very carefully and very accurately.
a lion
U Lviv-women have a limited sense of humor, especially if they are dissatisfied with something in life. The clearer the joke given to the Lioness, the greater the chances of making her laugh. It’s even better if it’s just an apt phrase and not an anecdote. However, if the Lioness good mood, she will sprinkle some flat and mostly vulgar jokes, but you are guaranteed a good mood! Leo men, in order to become the life of the party, will make jokes that are more understandable to this particular company. And it’s better to make them laugh themselves with clear, short and witty phrases - they rarely bother with long stories and anecdotes.
Virgo
This is a true connoisseur of professional, black, cynical and military humor. Only at Virgo in their heads they can have a bunch of jokes that are amazing in their blackness and cynicism, which they remember verbatim and always deliver on topic. Virgos are amazingly witty - they are those who can disarm an enemy/rival with one phrase. Moreover, this phrase will be the standard of humor. Therefore, you need to make Virgo laugh with her own weapon - a witty, cynical joke, for Virgo men, preferably from the army repertoire.
Scales
Amazingly witty men - Scales usually become the life of the party. And if Aquarius or Gemini also find themselves in this company, the rest will be provided with sculpted abs due to continuous laughter. Libra's head contains a countless number of jokes, which they successfully combine, inventing something new and original. Both women and Libra men know how to “kill” with one phrase - from the category of “silent, silent, but whatever he says!” The only way to make Libra laugh is to be original – and don’t be alarmed if they just smile back. Homeric laughter is rarely characteristic of Libra and mainly only from their own “pearls”.
Scorpion
They always try to stay afloat - this also applies to jokes. They are always aware of new and original problems, they always joke creatively and wittily. Their collection is full of a wide variety of anecdotes, jokes, jokes and other things, which they actively use. Lovers of the sublime, they can incomparably tell vulgar jokes. Moreover, Scorpio m (both men and women) are characterized by a communication style mixed with a variety of humorous phrases and phrases, anecdotes and simply interesting funny finds with which they literally charm the interlocutor. It’s difficult to make Scorpio laugh, except perhaps with an original joke. And it doesn’t matter whether the humor is subtle or vulgarly cynical - Scorpios will appreciate a high-quality joke. But God forbid that you laugh at Scorpio in any form - there will be no limit to his revenge on the joker, even if the joke was harmless.
Sagittarius
Before Streltsov Only time-tested jokes “get through.” Moreover, Sagittarians joke very awkwardly. And their habit of cutting the truth also affects their sense of humor - often their jokes turn into reproaches. If you set out to make Sagittarius laugh, arm yourself with win-win jokes - most likely, Sagittarius will laugh heartily, because even if he had already heard this joke, he still didn’t remember it.
Capricorn
Capricorns They rarely become the life of the party and rarely tell jokes. A Capricorn who tells jokes is most likely an Aquarius. But they know how to appreciate good jokes, and a wide variety of jokes. But Capricorns have an excellent memory, so try not to repeat the same joke to them several times - they will simply lose interest in you. However, it is difficult to find a more grateful listener to your jokes than Capricorn.
Aquarius
It costs nothing to make an Aquarius woman laugh. This giggler is ready to laugh even from a crawling finger. Moreover, Aquarius with their fiery temperament and very perky character, they are ready to make anyone laugh, which certainly attracts attention and charms. It is more difficult to make Aquarius men laugh - they are unlikely to laugh at bearded jokes, they will only smile politely at good old tales. But they will rightfully appreciate a good joke or the wit of the interlocutor. Moreover, Aquarians, as a rule, are quite witty themselves - real treasure troves of new, well-worn jokes, which they are quite capable of composing on their own.
Fish
Men- Fish usually the soul of the company, especially if this company is female. But, as a rule, bearded jokes are poisoned. True, in their performance even “Orenburg Down Shawl” can sound like a hit rock ballad. It's quite easy to make Pisces laugh, especially women. These are laughers, however, they will think about any joke for a long time, even try it on themselves, so you shouldn’t joke about blondes, fatties, etc. They will laugh, of course, heartily, but they may also develop a complex. And they will definitely discuss it with their friends.
The ringleader and the provocateur. This is exactly the one scary man, who takes half the office to the bar on Fridays, and then the frightened wives and husbands of his colleagues catch the latter in parks, other people's apartments or the next bars. What about Aries? But nothing - his job was to start and quit, and if they got so wound up, that’s their problem)
“Where have you taken us, Hero Susanin? “Leave me alone guys, this is my first time here...” - a situation typical for Aries, especially during travel, vacations and vacations. Moreover, Aries often leaves it to others to get out of the situation, claiming to be sick/tired/suddenly dull, etc.
Aries, by the way, is one of those who consider the argument “I was drunk” to be quite weighty and understandable for most “normal people”, and what’s interesting is that they are often excused for this, although then they think for a long time - what motivated them?
It's simple - childlike spontaneity. For this, you will forgive Aries everything - and the fact that he brought you to the wrong place or at the wrong time, disappeared, got drunk, brought you strangers or even forgot you at the station at the beginning of the journey)
But then, having extricated yourself from all these stories, you will remember the antics of Aries with pleasure, especially when twenty years have passed and you will be sitting by a warm stove in complete safety. After all, you will always have something to remember if you have ever vacationed in the company of an Aries. And it doesn’t matter whether he was there or not)
Taurus
Well, for starters, you can’t just rest. Before that, you must definitely work your ass off, present your labor achievements in a detailed form to yourself, colleagues, relatives, the Lord God and in general everyone who comes across), so that the whole world knows - Taurus has earned his rest and has the right to it!
But here the question of preparing for the holiday arises. And even if it’s just a day off, you need to think through the menu, select the appropriate music/cinema/book, finally change the curtains (and at the same time wash the windows, change the linens, wash everything), lift everyone’s spirits (yourself too), then... If you have time and energy left)
With his ceremony, Taurus can drive everyone who is ready to relax with him into a white heat. “It’s better not to put shoes there, there is a special spoon for this dish, be sure to pass the fruit dish to your neighbor, oh, you crumpled the tablecloth, I’ll fix it now,” etc. In general, if you live with a Taurus, sometimes it’s easier to lock yourself in the bathroom to relax. Then you can behave indecently for your own pleasure)
Taurus begins to plan vacations and celebrations ahead of time. After all, you need to take everything into account: think through the menu... (in general, you already understand, I think). But if it comes to vacation at all, then I assure you, it will be the best and highest quality vacation in the entire Zodiac! But sometimes it happens like in that joke about two Estonians: “— Good holiday New Year, Yes?" - “Yes, but sexual intercourse is better” - “Yes, but New Year’s Eve more often”)
Twins
In general, if you want to go or travel somewhere, then it is better not to enter into an argument with them, but to gently drag them by the hand in the direction you need. All the same, it will not be ideal, but Libra will not want to admit that their life is not ideal, and therefore they will try to pass off the real as ideal and honestly be happy about it)
Scorpion
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Each holiday is good and interesting in its own way. But usually at any holiday it all comes down to the fact that almost 99% of the attention is paid to the hero of the occasion: the hero of the day or the newlyweds or the birthday boy. What about the guests? They came to have fun and have fun! We haven't forgotten about them and have prepared an interesting game block: a comic astrological forecast for guests at the anniversary. This forecast can be presented in different ways. The most obvious option is for an astrologer to come out and read out his forecast for each guest or zodiac sign. A gypsy can also come out, but here questions arise - where is the gypsy so smart that she understands astrology? Therefore, a gypsy would not be very appropriate in such a block. The third option is to read the astrological forecast by the presenter himself. This is in case it is not possible to make a scene with changing clothes. There may be other options, but they are not so obvious. How to display this number is up to you. Below we will provide you with several comic forecasts, which you can use for anniversaries.
Comic horoscope 1.
The first version of the comic horoscope is written by the guests themselves. Everything here is quite simple, but interesting. Everyone knows a game called missing adjectives. And in this game we will skip the names of the guests. You need to come up with a forecast that does not include names. Then, at the celebration, you ask the hero of the day to take turns calling the names of all the guests who are present at the celebration. And enter the names into the forecast one by one. Next, read out what happened.
Example of a letter with guest names missing:
“Today (the date of the anniversary, the stars predict for us a great festive evening! It will end differently for everyone, but everyone will be happy. At 19 o’clock Jupiter will eclipse the sun and at this time (guest’s name) will go to rest under the table. Two minutes later, when the sun will emerge from under the shadow of Jupiter (guest's name) and join the vacationer under the table.
At 19.25 the moon will appear in the sky. At that very moment (guest's name) with the words - I'm going to sleep! – falls face first into a plate of salad. When the Ursa Minor appears in the sky, (guest's name) will begin to look for a warm place to rest and will find it on the large and cozy chest of (guest's name).
As soon as the clock strikes 20 o'clock, a musical break will begin. And (guest's name) will be the first to go out onto the dance floor and show a master class. After his dance (name of guest) shouting - Bravo! – will run onto the stage and perform a wild dance with elements of striptease. When (guest's name) sees this, he will scream - oh my God! This is the best thing I've seen in my life!
In twenty minutes. When the big bear appears in the sky, the dancing guests will calm down and sit down in their seats. At the same time (guest's name) will shout loudly - I demand the continuation of the banquet! - He will drink a glass of vodka and carefully lay his head on the table, as if on a pillow.
The evening will end with all the stars appearing in the sky, and under their influence (guest’s name) and (guest’s name) will sing a duet song - Mom Luda, come on, come on, come on! And the rest of the guests will film them on their phones to show the clip tomorrow morning and make fun of them!”
Here's an option you can try. You can change the text or come up with your own. It is important to remember here that all people are different, and if you know that someone might be offended, then it is better not to include their name in the forecast.
Comic forecast 2.
The following forecast is for guests the morning after the holiday. This forecast is called the hangover forecast!
So, Dear guests! Just a moment of attention. Today we all go out and have fun. But none of you thinks about the consequences, doesn’t think about what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning. But our astrologer already knows everything, and will tell you what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning.
Aries - the morning will start very badly for you. Approaching the mirror, you will see that your rounded horns have straightened and are preventing you from going through the doors.
Taurus - don’t think that if you drank before the holiday Activated carbon, then everything will be fine with you. You will see this coal again, and you will understand that everything is very bad.
Gemini – don’t be surprised, but in the morning you will wake up with a person who is exactly like you!
Cancers - and you will learn to quickly crawl backwards from each glass, remembering this evening and your screams - pour it, drink it!
Leos - in the morning you will make such a roar that your neighbors will each bring you bottles of cold mineral water.
Virgos – don’t go to the mirror in the morning. Otherwise, you risk not recognizing yourself and fainting out of fear.
Libra - tomorrow morning will begin with you weighing and figuring out how much a normal person can drink, and how much you drank.
Scorpio – as soon as you wake up, you will immediately have a hangover. Otherwise, you will sting everyone with your sting all day long.
Sagittarius – it’s better to leave money in advance for tomorrow. Otherwise, you will shoot them at passers-by because they have a hangover.
Capricorns - a surprise awaits you in the morning - you will have new horns.
Aquarius - in the morning you will have guests who will want to continue the banquet with you.
Pisces - and you will be ashamed of this evening and your behavior. All tomorrow you will be silent, like a fish.
Horoscope 3.
And this horoscope is the shortest in the world! But this makes it even funnier and the guests will definitely like it. And so, let's look:
Horoscope 4.
And this is a rather bold horoscope, it is erotic! But nevertheless, it’s funny and the guests will like it. So that this horoscope goes off with a bang. Do this:
- name your zodiac sign and guests under this sign come to you. Romantic music turns on, they dance, and then you read out the horoscope:
Horoscope 5.
And another horoscope - alcoholic!
The same can be done in a special way. You name the zodiac sign and the guests under that sign stand up. They pour glasses and you read out their horoscope, after which these guests drink. It turns out interesting and funny:
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Sometimes you have to step away from serious reality and accept all life circumstances with a huge amount of humor. There are categories of people who are not offended. Please do not take such frivolous things seriously. begins his humorous march.
Astrologer's advice: The different level and quality of a person’s education greatly affects the way in which various qualities are manifested. The upbringing of people also makes its mark on the characteristics of various properties of behavior.
Aries. A ram is also a ram in Africa. He is confident that he is right, he always knows what it costs, and arguing with him is at your own loss. Rams (in the sense of Aries) are very honest herd animals. If someone looks bad, he will say so directly. In real life he is of little use, but he gives advice to everyone. Free, at that.
Astrologer's advice: It happens that there is a rare opportunity to completely correct your personal life in good side, is given only once in a lifetime. Don't miss it - order it and find out how soon luck will be in your hands!
Calf. Typical cuckold. The other half of him tries very hard for him to maintain his brand. He has a lot of stubbornness, he is boring and greedy, but serious because he thinks for a long time. His health is excellent. He doesn’t like new people, and can’t stand old ones, but he loves his friends, and not only artiodactyls.
Twins. Twin brothers just have different fathers. This is about them. The left hemisphere of the brain of this sign always contradicts the right. Light, ephemeral and airy, they cannot finally decide on the choice of their soulmate: everything is not theirs, and everything is not right. But they are fun and interesting.
Astrologer's advice: Note that for detailed characteristics, it is necessary to correct the information taking into account the date, time and place of birth. Refined data will help you better understand yourself or understand other people.
Cancer. The second syllable of the word "fool". Although, however, this is not about him. Disgusting and cowardly, suspicious and annoying. A drunkard and a philosopher - that's all about him. He makes friends with Taurus and Virgo and talks with them about the end of the world. And they tolerate him out of pity.
A lion. Maybe I'll get a kick out of this comic horoscope according to zodiac signs. Kill - it won’t kill, but there will be a lot of roar. He is so selfish that he believed in the inviolability of his royal person. The weapon against him is sweet flattery. Atomic bomb I'm powerless here.
Astrologer's advice: We invite you to look at horoscopes for the month and year for all zodiac signs. The forecast will help you accept correct decision for any questions. Interesting and useful. Go to .
Virgo. She is very fond of law and order and woe to anyone who breaks them. He'll knock right away. But she is useful in housekeeping: she can wash and clean. So, you can live with her, but not for long - she will plague you with her pedantry and neatness.
Scales. These are great aesthetes who, putting clean socks and freshly brewed coffee on one cup, will choose the second option. They often get sick and if anyone wants to work as a vest or a nurse, then you are welcome!
Astrologer's advice: In order to comprehend and better understand the character and qualities of a zodiac sign, you need to get to know it from many sides and the category will help you with this.
Scorpion. Sexually preoccupied, hysterical egoist. He loves money even more than himself, but he doesn’t steal it, he earns it. Loves to do minor mischief and cause serious problems. Similar to Ram, only waterfowl.
Sagittarius. He is always right, this is an axiom. And if he is wrong, then this is a theorem. A sociable and cheerful centaur, shooting at hearts left and right. Whoever is not his friend yet, let him get in line.
Astrologer's advice: Eastern horoscope, the same thing has a strong impact on the resource inherent in people when they are born. You can read more on our resource in the category.
Capricorn. He works a lot, and not with his horns and hooves, but with his head and hands. Woe to those who perceive Capricorn as the darling and soul of the company. He loves to butt heads, don't get into trouble.
Aquarius. I can’t give anything good advice to myself, but to others, please! Prison is his second home, because his relationship with the law does not work out. He is afraid of only one thing - old age.
Astrologer's advice: Relationships between loved ones often depend on the constellation of birth. Compatibility of signs is an educational section in astrology. You can find out about the relationship in the section -.
Fish. Complete comic horoscope according to zodiac signs. What can you do, this is their fate - to drag along behind everyone all their lives. Where should they go? They are not interested in money, but in the aquarium they will be fed anyway. For free.