The situation in my family is very scary. I don't know how to describe this briefly. We are a party of four. My husband is 40, I am 33. Two children. Daughter 7 years old, son 11 months old. When I met my husband, I already had a daughter. She was six months old. He raised her. It's obvious that they love each other. My daughter is always very worried if we are in a quarrel. He comes up to me and says, Mom, I don’t want you to fight because of me. It would be better if I didn’t say anything.... In general, I found out about this (although what exactly “this” is still not clear about) three years ago. The daughter cried, said something about pussy, the husband shook his head in shock and said, I’m not a pedophile. They talked for a long time, everyone cried, I believed him, he promised to prove that everything was wrong... three years passed. In the spring, I caught them in the kitchen, my husband had a morning erection in his shorts, and his daughter was hanging on his neck. He then admitted that his daughter herself, from the age of 4, had been showing an unhealthy interest in him, reaching into his underpants, crawling under the blanket, copying me, lying on his shoulder, hugging him. In principle, I admit this, she accidentally saw us having sex a long time ago... my husband says, he was afraid to tell, he thought it would pass, they say she’s still 4 years old. This was 3 years ago. And when this spring I caught (is this an appropriate word) them in the kitchen, I decided to talk to my daughter again. She cries, sobs, says dad, he put his hand in my panties and asked me to hold him there while I was in the shower. He says, just don’t get a divorce, I don’t want to be without my dad. And cries. I'm shocked. I'm going to my husband. He says there was no such thing. Then he says I don’t remember, maybe he was drunk, but they say I’m not a pedophile, I have no sexual interest in her. Then I talked to my daughter, she admitted that she used to go after her dad. In general, somehow we survived this story... the day before yesterday my husband arrived from his shift. We haven't seen each other for 10 days. Everyone was so happy, we missed you. A wonderful dinner, gifts, sex. The next morning, I woke up my daughter for school and went and lay down again in our bedroom with my husband and son. After about 10 minutes, the husband got up and went into the hall, the daughter had not yet left for school. And I’m lying there and somehow I don’t feel at ease. I go out into the hall. My husband is lying on his stomach on the sofa, using his phone, my daughter is pulling on a backpack in the hallway, but I feel something wrong in my spine. In the evening I take turns talking to them. The daughter says that dad touched himself in front of her ( masturbated). The husband says he didn’t do it in front of her, and when he did it, he didn’t see her. The daughter is in tears. Don’t get divorced, don’t fight, it would be better for me to remain silent. I cry, drink sedatives and want to go out the window. The husband is shocked, silent... this morning he left again on shift for a week, he says I will die without you, I will prove that nothing like that exists and never happened. I don't know what to do, who to believe. I don’t want to raise my son (11 months old) without a father, they love each other, the child is very long-awaited, desired, but I have only one daughter, smart, beautiful... and then there is me. I love my family very much. Everyone. Including a cat and a hamster. I love my husband madly. He is really very good. Family-friendly, handy, smart, funny. But also cunning. I cannot destroy my family with my own hands, get a divorce and leave. I can not. Physically. I will die. The children will be left alone. But I can’t ruin my daughter’s life either. Although she is crying and begging her not to leave her dad. And she doesn’t look intimidated at all. She always runs to the doorstep to meet her dad from work, hanging on his neck. This whole thing is really driving me crazy.

I need a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a friend... someone to discuss this with. But not with anyone. You can’t talk about this topic with your friends; there’s no money for a psychologist yet. And it hurts me unbearably. There is also nowhere to run. I am alone in my grief. And I can only discuss it with my husband. You can't talk about that. Help... I'm afraid that when I leave my husband and children, I'll start blaming my daughter for everything, even though it's not her fault, and my relationship with her will deteriorate. But you can’t leave everything like this! What should I do? How to take everything out of your heart? How to erase gigabytes of memory from your head? I'm between two fires. I'm about to burn. Help.

Hello Julia.

Adults may become agitated when interacting with children. These desires are not always controllable. But this is not what makes a person a pedophile.
It is important how an adult then deals with this excitement. It is important what choice he makes. And this choice depends 100% on the adult. Only he can tell himself that even if he gets excited, he still will not perform any sexual actions with the child, in her presence, ask her, show her, etc.
Symbolically, the message to your daughter should look like this: “I like you, I admire you, but I am your mother’s husband and I will only be with her. We will have nothing with you.” And of course, you yourself cannot encourage the child, seduce him, etc.

Children can behave provocatively; they are just beginning to recognize their body, their still childish attractiveness. But children are not responsible for their actions; they do not yet fully understand what is happening to them.

My daughter herself, since she was 4 years old, has been showing an unhealthy interest in him, reaching into his underpants, crawling under the blanket, copying me, lying on his shoulder, hugging him.

The child simply copies the behavior of the parents. Many children want to become a husband for their mother and a wife for their father, not yet fully understanding what this means. When we talk about a child, the words “unhealthy interest” have no meaning.

What’s not great is that an adult doesn’t explain to the child that you can’t do this to dad, that dad will sleep and lie under the blanket and only allow mom to touch him in his underpants.

The daughter is in tears. Don’t get divorced, don’t fight, it would be better for me to remain silent.

Only adults should take responsibility for everything that happens. To do this, it is important not to swear or discuss these issues in front of your daughter, not to arrange confrontations and not to find out who is lying. Whatever decision you make regarding your future life with your husband, you must explain to your daughter that these are only your adult affairs. And that she did everything she told you right. Talk to your daughter and explain that if this happens, if dad asks her to touch him, shows her, masturbates in front of her, etc. - then this is not right and harmful for him and for her.

Sincerely, psychologist, gestalt therapist,
Makarova Lola.

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Date: 05/27/2014 17:55:29

Irina, Yana, Yelabuga

My father hates me. What should I do?

answers priest Evgeny Stupitsky

Hello. I am writing with a friend, on her advice. I do not know what to do. My father hates me. I irritate him, I disgrace him, he tells anyone about this and in front of my son he calls me names... he yells, calls me names and openly, clearly rejoices at my every misfortune... I don’t know why. I have a stupid job and a small salary, so I don’t deserve to live, I was raised, fed and all that, but I grew up - that’s it. It’s scary to say, but I’m almost sure that he would have made an excellent fascist, he hates everyone and everything that breathes and moves, his mother is annoying, he knows no peace... Even my shadow makes him angry. How I wish I COULD respect him, but I can’t, the further it goes, the worse it gets. I'm ashamed and very scared. Yes, he is hyper-responsible, it’s practically a neurosis, but where is there even a drop of love in this, love probably comes in different forms, but not like this!!! He is old, of course, but strong and healthy, not like my mother and I. I feel sorry for him, at the same time I’m afraid, I’m just shying away, no matter how I behave, he’ll still get him. I'm tired of deceiving myself. Please tell me how all this can be combined with the commandment to honor parents? What prayer should I pray for him? He also treats religion arrogantly, with contempt, and forbade me to pray for him.

Hello! Your case is complex and, unfortunately, very common now. If a person leads a life far from God, does not pray, does not repent of his sins, but, on the contrary, grows in his pride, then dark forces settle near him, and perhaps even inside this person, and try in every possible way to spoil the soul of this person, or lead him to death. While a person is far from God, he is at the mercy of demonic forces, who try to do everything so that he does not escape their influence. The person is bewitched by them, and does not even understand that he is serving as a puppet in the clutches of demons. And then God, to break the spell, to save the soul of this person, sends you, a weak daughter, but capable of love. God calls you to participate in the salvation of your dad's soul. But the demons also feel this and begin to resist in every possible way your rapprochement with dad. It is very important for them to turn the father against the daughter. And, since the father is bewitched, he acts according to their orders, and insults both the daughter and everything connected with her! Knowing all this, God gave us the commandment to honor and love our parents. Only with your patience and fervent prayer can you help God cleanse and disenchant your dad. Your prayer will be doubly strong if your mother joins you. Don’t give up the fight for your dad’s soul, help God save you and all your relatives!

The issue of the importance of a girl’s paternal upbringing, unfortunately, is not given due attention in society, since maternal upbringing of a daughter is traditionally considered a priority.

And this is true, however, there are those key moments in raising a girl, the responsibility for which lies with the father, and the mother, no matter how hard she tries, will not be able to replace the father in them.

The fact is that it is the relationship with the father that fundamentally influences the formation of the daughter as a future woman, her further relationships with men and the choice of a life partner. All of these factors are decisive in a woman’s life.

Let's take a closer look at how the relationship with the father affects the fate of the daughter.

Let's start with the fact that the father is the first and most significant example of a man in his daughter's life. The responsibility is enormous. If only all fathers realized it...

The father's image and the "father-daughter" relationship set in childhood many programs and attitudes for the communication of an adult woman with the opposite sex. It’s good if the settings and programs are correct and useful. And if not?

In the life of an older daughter, problems of various kinds may arise. Let's try to figure it out.

Let’s assume an ideal scenario: a complete family, parents take part together in raising their daughter, family relationships are harmonious, dad is wise and loving.

Of course, it can be difficult to understand fatherly love; it is different from motherly love. But even the restrained, not very emotionally charged love of the father is felt, perceived and absorbed by the daughter. A daughter for a loving father is a princess, this is his (and therefore) ideal female creation: the most beautiful, the most beloved, the most... in everything and always, this is his pride, this is the light of his soul.

In turn, fatherly love gives the girl a feeling of security, safety, self-confidence, and self-worth; develops femininity, attractiveness, relevance and success.

A girl grows up next to her loving father, realizing that she is worthy of the love of the opposite sex. When a daughter sees, feels and knows that the most significant man in life, her father, loves and accepts her for who she is, the girl learns to love and accept herself, and, importantly, learns to accept the love and attention of the opposite sex.

A father is the whole WORLD for a girl. And if this world loves and accepts her, is always ready to help and protect, then she is not afraid of anything. She enters adulthood without fear, with the knowledge that everything will be fine, she will always find support and support, because the whole world is on her side.

A positive program learned in childhood will work throughout life for the benefit of an adult woman.

Such a woman will attract loving men who will become her support, support in life and will take constant care of her.

Another very important aspect of raising a girl is the attitude of the father towards the mother.

The girl needs to see that dad loves mom. Observing the love of a father for his mother, every child experiences a feeling of security, joy, happiness and harmony in the world. Any manifestation of dislike for the mother on the part of the father causes pain to the daughter, which, accumulating, can become an insurmountable wall in the relationship between father and daughter.

Dear fathers, it is very important in relation to mothers to show daughters how a man shows love and attention to a woman. This is how a girl develops a model of relationships between a man and a woman, which she will internalize for the rest of her life, like all other models of relationships in the family.

If “love and attention” in the family manifests itself in the form of dissatisfaction, nagging or rudeness, this lesson will also be learned: such a model of relationships will become natural for an older woman in the future.

Have you noticed that our entire conversation periodically returns to love. If a girl feels a deficiency or absence of her father’s love, she grows up unsure of herself, depressed, downtrodden, withdrawn or, on the contrary, openly aggressive, denies and suppresses the male essence.

How often does a young and beautiful girl have to be convinced that she is beautiful, smart, worthy of the love and attention of the opposite sex, while a completely outwardly inconspicuous girlfriend arouses interest among young people, communicates freely with them and does not have complexes about her shortcomings? appearance.

A girl who felt a lack of fatherly attention and love in childhood grows up with a feeling of defenselessness, with fear of the huge world and the unpredictability of life. Everything comes to her with great personal effort, because she does not know how to ask for help, does not expect support and relies only on herself. Success in life is not easy. Personal life is also not easy.

Wariness and distrust of men often lead a woman to control her husband, suppress him, and take on male responsibilities. This is especially common in the case when a girl was raised only by her mother, who “carried all the hardships of life,” or when, although there was a father in the family, the mother always had to “plow” in her relationship with him.

It happens that a woman obsessively seeks the attention of the opposite sex, is available and not picky in relationships, and easily enters into relationships with men who show attention to her. She is looking for love and clings to everyone who gives her a compliment or a kind word.

Or, with her behavior, a woman always wants to prove how good she is and therefore worthy of love. And her whole life turns into a continuous desire to “please him” in anticipation of attention and love in return. Some women torment a man with a constant question: do you love me? Or: tell me you love me! Others suffer quietly and secretly cry out of disappointment.

It also happens that a woman is afraid of a relationship with a man, does not know how to build one, and avoids communicating with the opposite sex. She “focuses” on her career, sometimes completely abandoning her personal life and starting a family. Why does she need a man, the woman justifies herself, she is strong and can achieve everything herself.

There can be a lot of distortions in the life of a woman who grew up without fatherly love and attention. How many lives, so many unique experiences.

Many women, after reading this article, will say: well, what to do now? Childhood has already passed, life did not turn out the way I wanted, nothing can be fixed. Actually this is not true.

First, you need to put aside self-pity and regrets about your failed personal life. After all, for some reason, the life lessons learned were necessary.

Secondly, it is important to thank the past for the invaluable experience, forgive your father (after all, he fulfilled his main purpose - you were born), let go of all grievances, look with love at your inner child, understand, grow up and start working on yourself.

Changes in life will gradually begin to occur. It is very likely that your health will improve. It’s no secret that one of the most common causes of women’s illnesses is accumulated resentment towards men, which is based on problematic relationships with the father.

I believe that every father who reads this article to the end loves his daughter. However, it is difficult for men to express their feelings emotionally, because open emotionality is more characteristic of women and children.

Therefore, in conclusion, I want to somewhat summarize what was said above and give recommendations to fathers:

• Remember, a daughter needs her father's love no less than her mother's. Your paternal example will determine how her adult relationships with men will develop, who she will choose as her husband, and, therefore, how her personal life will develop in connection with this.
• Treat your daughter's mother with love. A daughter should see an example of love and respect between a man and a woman in the person of her parents. This sets the correct basic model for your daughter’s future relationships with men.
• Show trust in your daughter, talk to her about her problems, show concern, be there at important moments in her life, know how to step aside, respect her choice.
• Show warmth in your relationship with your daughter, hug, compliment, admire, give gifts, be sincere.
• Avoid being overprotective of your daughter. With an excess of paternal love, a girl can develop a strong emotional dependence on her father, which causes no less harm than a lack of paternal love.
• Show understanding and sincere interest in your daughter’s life, spend time together (visit the theater, go to exhibitions and concerts, organize parties; listen to the music she loves; be interested in what she is interested in; inspire her to develop and develop yourself).
• Be strict when necessary, but always wise and fair. Punish with love, without anger, explaining your actions.
• Never allow yourself to assault your daughter!
• Respect your daughter's personality, even if she is still very young.
• Be positive, develop a sense of humor.
• Be a worthy male example in everything! Encourage femininity in your daughter. Remember, you are the most important man in the life of a small growing woman - your daughter. She looks at you intently and makes life decisions at an early age. Don't miss your daughter's childhood!

I got pregnant at 16 years old. By the time I found out about my situation, I had already managed to break up with the father of my child. But my parents forced us to get married, and I ended up in the same house with an unstable, drinking guy. His father supported us, because even if my husband found a part-time job, he immediately drank the money he received. We quarreled loudly, he slapped me or pushed me roughly. I cried and ran into my house. And there conflicts awaited me with my mother, who insisted that I endure. Then my husband came, begged me to come back, and I gave up. This happened several times.

I was in my 9th month when Vadim, after another drinking binge, came at me with his fists. He closed the door with himself so that I wouldn’t run away. And then I climbed out the window. It was the first floor, so I didn’t think that I could harm myself or the fetus. But either I underestimated the impact on the ground, or the influence of stress took its toll - a few hours later my contractions began, and I gave birth to Nastya a little prematurely.

When they brought it to me, I didn’t like it at first sight. Jaundiced, large girl. From the hospital I returned to my father’s house, and the scandals with my mother continued. She complained that my daughter and I were wasting a lot of money, she was dissatisfied with Nastya’s screams at night and at every step she made comments to me that I was raising the child incorrectly.

After a few months, I became stronger in the opinion that Nastya is a burden. Because of her, I couldn’t go out with my friends, I gave up on my education, and I spent all my money on her. I looked at my daughter and came up with various excuses to get rid of her. I sent her to a nursery and often came for her late in the evening, when the other children had already been taken away. As soon as the girl turned two years old, I announced to my mother that I was leaving to work, and without a twinge of conscience I left Nastya.

I regularly sent money, called, visited once every few months, and seemed to even be raising my daughter. But I never felt any love or tenderness for her.

I stopped working on a rotational basis when Nastya was 7 or 8 years old. The daughter began to resemble her father, gained weight and seemed to me the ugliest child in the world. I was disgusted even to hug her. She went to school and did poorly, which made me even angrier. I did homework with her and could barely restrain myself from slapping her on the head.

When Nastya turned 10 years old, I finally met a man with whom I would like to start a family. I had partners before, but to them I seemed to be a woman without a dowry, and then I decided to introduce a man to my family, my daughter. Nastya threw a tantrum. I remember how I wanted to take her into another room and strangle her. Petya moved in with us, and a madhouse began. My daughter complained about him every day: he either reprimanded her, then whipped her with a belt, or threatened her. The man didn’t last even six months with us. When he left, I seriously beat Nastya for the first time and did not experience any pangs of conscience because of this.

Because of the breakup, I had a nervous breakdown, I started smoking, but I did it secretly. When I came home, Nastya wrinkled her nose with displeasure and declared that I smelled of tobacco. She started keeping an eye on me and reported everything to my mother. My daughter even rummaged through my things to find evidence of her accusations. And she found: either a lighter or a can of beer. Our relationship has become strained to the limit. We went to psychologists, but it did not bring any results.

I waited with horror for the moment when Nastya would become a teenager. And I was not mistaken. She was barely 13 years old when I found her with a cigarette (by that time I myself had already given up all bad habits). She responded to my comments by saying that I smoked myself. What could I say to this attack? Then I discovered that small amounts of money were missing from me. Another scandal. The daughter denied everything. The thefts in the house did not stop, but I hoped that gradually everything would get better.

No matter how it is. A few months after Nastya started stealing, my teacher called me and summoned me for a conversation. A story came to light that the daughter took things from classmates and did not return them. Then there was the story with the police, after the sellers caught Nastya red-handed. I again took her to a psychologist, the specialist came to the conclusion that it was probably kleptomania.

It was only with grief that I went through the period when Nastya was stealing things from other people’s bags and from counters, when the next stage began: she began to drink, skip classes, and go out with boys. I saw in her a little devil who was mocking me in every possible way. We reached the point of mutual hostility that I tried to leave for work before she woke up, and she returned from walks when I went to bed.

At the age of 16, Nastya decided to go to another city to study. I paid for her studies and rented an apartment for her, just so that she would leave quickly and away from me. But even from a distance, Nastya managed to feed my hatred. Teachers called me and threatened to expel me. The owner called with stories that her daughter was taking men to her place. I looked forward to her 18th birthday as liberation. When this day came, I told my daughter that from now on she should deal with all the problems herself, and I changed my phone number. And a few months later I moved from my hometown to St. Petersburg, so that we were separated from each other not by a few tens of kilometers, but by thousands.

For some time we did not communicate at all. Or rather, I knew from my mother that Nastya was alive and even seemed to have come to her senses. But I didn’t go into details. Over the years, I managed to get married and finally give birth to a second child, whose birth I looked forward to every day of pregnancy.

Not long ago my daughter contacted me and invited me to visit. I took a large sum of money with me and went with bad expectations that Nastya lived in some kind of hostel, she had a dirty and sick child. Let's say I hoped that everything that I predicted for her during our quarrels happened to her.

But it turned out differently. The daughter got married successfully, lost noticeably weight (and became an attractive girl), went to study at a university, and raised her son. Now we communicate, our children and my daughter are the same age. I think we have forgiven mutual grievances. But whether I fell in love with her is still a big question for me.

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