Even though most of us live surrounded by many other people, we still often experience a feeling of loneliness that robs us of the joy of life. Loneliness eats away our soul and makes our life meaningless, sometimes turning it into complete torture. Many of you will probably agree with me that loneliness is bad, very bad and sad. Meanwhile, there are so many people around us that it would seem that loneliness is out of the question, but it nevertheless exists and we feel it. Why do we feel lonely and why is loneliness so painful for us? And most importantly, what should we do with loneliness, how to get rid of it? We, dear readers, will talk about this in this article. And if you feel like a lonely person, I will help you solve this problem.
Loneliness is special emotional condition a person in whom he feels useless and does not feel himself. A lonely person loses his sense of himself due to lack of contact with other people; he falls into a void in which he, as an individual, does not exist. This emotional state occurs at a time when a person does not receive full attention from other people, when he does not feel a positive emotional connection with people or is afraid of losing it. At the same time, there may be a lot of people around him and they can even communicate with him. It's all about the form of this communication - a person may simply not be listened to, heard or understood. Often, when communicating with people, we feel that they simply do not hear us, and therefore do not understand, and therefore we begin to feel lonely. It turns out that we seem to be able to communicate with people, but it is reminiscent of communicating with a wall, which is of little use. So it is not at all necessary to live on a desert island and be isolated from society in order to feel lonely; you can, surrounded by a huge number of people, not only feel, but actually be a lonely person - if no one cares about you.
But why don’t we ourselves give a damn about those who don’t care about us? And because we are social creatures, we all depend on each other, because we are parts of a single whole, not to mention the fact that each of us needs a partner for a full life. This is how nature intended for a person to strive to continue his family and maintain life on earth and to take care not only of himself, but also of the people around him, since this increases his survival. Together, people are capable of much, they were able to build a civilization and together they can solve any problems that arise, but individually they will simply die out. Therefore, such a socio-psychological phenomenon as loneliness is understandable. We feel lonely because we make ourselves that way - we alienate ourselves, move away from each other, we emphasize our individuality, forgetting about the need to fit into the society around us, noticing other people in it and becoming noticeable ourselves. And we will never be comfortable as long as we are objectively alone, until we learn to be not only ourselves, but also part of the society in which we live, and preferably, part of all humanity. So we cannot be indifferent to other people, especially in cases where we lack attention, communication, understanding, respect and love. However, if we receive too much attention from other people, we inevitably begin to neglect it, we begin to choose who is interesting and beneficial for us to communicate with, and who is not. If you have no friends, no suitable partner, you will of course feel lonely. But it is quite possible, friends, that you yourself, too, at the moment do not notice anyone who notices you. Think about it.
Loneliness, meanwhile, has positive side- this is privacy. Some people do not need constant and abundant communication with other people, they can conduct a full-fledged internal dialogue with themselves, they can think, read books, do some favorite things and they will be quite comfortable. Loneliness for such people is not a punishment, but a grace, albeit in moderation, because as was said above, we all need contacts with people and their attention to us. But to a certain extent, we all need solitude, another thing is that because of this we should not close ourselves off from the outside world, otherwise we will become outcasts, loners, closed-in people. And this will not benefit us, rest assured. Therefore, do not try to replace communication with people with communication with yourself; this will not save you from loneliness. Supplement communication with people with communication with yourself - supplement, but do not replace it with them, live a full life - look for suitable interlocutors and communicate with them.
But let's get back to you negative side loneliness, after all, for most people, loneliness is a problem, not a blessing, which they somehow need to solve in order not to suffer because of it. How can it be solved? First, friends, you need to find out what is causing this problem. Pay attention to the way you live and how you treat other people. If you lead an alienated lifestyle, if for some reason you are isolated from other people, then you need to correct this situation - you need to go out to people in order to be able to communicate with them. If you communicate with people, but at the same time you do not understand them, and they do not understand you, because of which you have conflicts during communication, forcing you to distance yourself from them or them to distance themselves from you, then you definitely need to work on your manner of communication. In most cases, we are deprived of attention from other people because of our lack of understanding of them, which we interpret as their lack of understanding of us. But blaming other people for not wanting to communicate with us or not wanting to understand us is simply pointless. People behave with us the way they want and how they are forced to behave, and most importantly, they behave with us the way we allow them to behave with us. So if we do not want to hear each other, then our communication will be so meaningless that it can be compared to communication with a wall, and therefore, there can be no talk of any mutual understanding with such dead communication. So why do we spit on each other, why don’t we notice each other, don’t hear each other and don’t want to understand each other? Is it all about our upbringing? Yes, and in it too, many people are selfish and therefore indifferent to other people, and they, in turn, are indifferent to them. So we all feel alone, even in major cities, where there are a lot of people, and even having the Internet at hand, where you can communicate with anyone and on any topic. But selfishness is selfishness, and the main problem for a person who makes other people, and at the same time himself, lonely is his lack of need for other people. We don't need each other enough to want to understand each other. Or rather, we believe that we do not need each other, and we often see in other people more enemies than friends and therefore we try to distance ourselves from them or simply not notice them. Because of this, as I said above, we make ourselves lonely. We must have a need for those around us, then we will be more open and friendly towards them, and if we do not feel this need, then other people will only interfere with us.
How often do we complain that we lack attention, love, respect, understanding? What have we personally done to ensure that we have all this? Do we accept the love that other people who truly love us offer us, do we respect their attention to us, do we try to understand other people when we communicate with them? Alas, friends, in most cases we do nothing of this, at least most of us do not properly appreciate the attention, love, understanding and respect for ourselves from other people. And as a result, some of us come to proud loneliness, in which some people, because of their pride and perseverance, remain throughout their lives. But all you need to do is try to understand other people, try to hear them and find them mutual language. But people are too selfish for this, they mainly focus on own feelings, on own desires, for their own interests, and they don’t care about others. Sometimes this is justified, sometimes it is not, but in most cases, by not feeling the need for attention from some people, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to live a rich and fulfilling life in which we will have many friends and fans. You don’t just become lonely, it’s always preceded by certain actions on the part of a person that force people to distance themselves from him. Sometimes friends, you really have to be simpler so that people will start to gravitate towards you.
However, some people, even if they want to, are unable to establish positive contacts with other people; they are either uncommunicative themselves, or due to negative experience of the past have become like this. Also, very often difficulties with communication arise in people with low self-esteem, because of which they are simply afraid to communicate, afraid of being unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted. There are other psychological factors that contribute to loneliness. So, if it is difficult for you to establish contacts with people, because of low self-esteem, because of fear of them, because of your lack of communication or for some other reason, then start working on yourself, either on your own or with the help of a specialist . Otherwise, you will create a vicious circle when your inability and unwillingness to communicate with people will lead you to the fact that your self-esteem will fall even lower and your fear of people will become even greater. And then you may develop depression, with all its inherent “charms,” which can completely poison our lives. You definitely need to develop your communication skills in order to be able to make acquaintances with people you are interested in. And if you are already quite sociable, but there are few people around you with whom you could communicate and who could understand you, then you urgently need to pay attention to your behavior in order to understand what exactly you need to change in it . Loneliness always has reasons that lie primarily in ourselves. When we feel the loneliness of the soul, when it seems to us that the whole world is against us, that no one needs us and our whole life is a complete misunderstanding, rest assured that at this moment we do not understand something, we are losing sight of something and something. then we don’t attach any importance.
I am absolutely sure that many people need each of us, just as we ourselves need many of them. We all need each other in one way or another. Once we realize this, we will certainly open up to each other and become closer to each other, and not physically closer, there seems to be no problem with that today, but spiritually. It's time for us to abandon the consumer attitude towards people and move to a new level of perception of this world, in which our relationships with each other will acquire a qualitative new uniform. People must grow and develop so that such primitive and meaningless problems as loneliness stop bothering them. I recommend that you also do some creative activity, which more than compensates for the lack of attention to you from other people. Sometimes we just feel lonely, but we really are not, we simply do not have the opportunity to express ourselves and therefore it seems to us that no one understands us. Express yourself in some work that interests you, because every person, without exception, has some kind of talent, by identifying and developing which he is able to surprise the world with his wonderful creation and express himself with this. Then you will be guaranteed attention, recognition, respect, and love. People can't help but notice a person who created something beautiful.
And don't be afraid of people, friends. They, of course, are not ideal, and sometimes even dangerous, but still, none of us can live a full life without them. You don’t have to communicate with all people, communicate only with those of them who are closer to you in spirit and character, this will be quite enough so that you do not feel lonely. Try to study people, understand them, study their interests, goals, desires, and then you will be able to join their picture of the world and help them understand you. Draw their attention to yourself with the help of your activity and energy, because active and energetic people are hard to miss. Keep in mind that many people simply do not understand what their life should be like, what kind of people they should surround themselves with in this life, and who needs them in it. Therefore, try to convince them that they need you, show them yourself in all your glory. And you will be accepted. People are confused in a world they have created, in which there is so much information that you can drown in it. Therefore, they often find it difficult to focus their attention even on themselves, let alone anyone else who surrounds them. There are people around, but the person does not notice them, does not fully communicate with them, and therefore feels lonely. Loneliness is a problem we have invented; in reality it does not exist, there is only a misunderstanding between people and inattention to each other.
Loneliness can be very different. There is loneliness, which is characterized by the phrase “nobody needs me.” At the same time, a person may be in great demand at work, may live in big family. Just like in the nursery rhyme: “Poor orphan Fedotka, he has no one, only mom, dad, and aunt, only uncle, and grandparents.” “Nobody needs you” is a classic phrase from a person with low self-esteem. First of all, such a person does not need himself. After all, if I know that God needs me and I need myself, then I won’t say such a phrase.
There is “loneliness together” when there is a loved one, but at the same time the feeling of loneliness remains. This is a case when a person tries to fill his inner emptiness at the expense of another. For him, the other is an object that he wants to use in order to feel better. But the truth is that the other person is not an object. And the inner emptiness cannot be filled from the outside.
For some, loneliness is a state of joy, relaxation, but it is not so much loneliness as solitude, that is, a state when a person is glad to be alone with himself.
There is also such a type of loneliness as hermitism. In this case, loneliness is a conscious choice, spiritual growth. But it should be noted that in our time, without the blessing of a confessor, such a path is more of a risk than a feat.
Thus there are different states called loneliness. One state is when a person lives alone, and another is mental loneliness, when a person feels alone, regardless of the presence or absence of loved ones nearby.
— What types of loneliness do people mostly deal with?
— From people who contacted our psychological consultation for help, loneliness is associated with hopelessness, abandonment, self-pity, fear, bewilderment: “why am I doing this?”
— Do loneliness have any common reasons, hidden from a superficial glance?
— Often the “tendency to loneliness” begins in childhood. This may be due to traumatic childhood experiences. Although an adult is not able to remember his most early age, but at the level of sensations he can retain this experience within himself and carry it throughout his life. Let's take this example: a mother, having read Spock, does not approach her crying child for the prescribed 20 minutes, because Dr. Spock wrote that in 20 minutes the child can calm down. But modern scientists believe that up to six months a child is not able to calm down on his own, his inhibition process has not yet developed, he can get excited, but not calm down, the child can only become exhausted. He will get tired and calm down, but this does not mean that he has calmed down and that he feels good. He simply no longer has the strength to scream, but a state of despair sets in inside him. The feeling that no matter how much he screams, no one will come to him and it is useless to call him, leads to the fact that the child does not develop basic trust in the world. Basic trust is the perception of the world around me as benevolent, the feeling that there is a place in this world in which I am loved and accepted.
One woman who had a happy childhood talked about this characteristic memory of hers: “I’m lying in bed very little, I’ve just woken up after a day baby sleep, and I know that now I will leave my room, and there the whole family is waiting for me to wake up, and then they will shout: “Nyusya has woken up!”, and they will hug and kiss me.” This is the feeling that they are waiting for me, that I am loved, that I am accepted. It is clear that for such a person with basic trust in the world, even if he has periods of forced loneliness, they will not be experienced as a collapse of life. He has something to draw on from his past experience. Accordingly, if no one is waiting for the child, if he has the feeling that no one needs him, no one loves him, he is the way he is, no one is happy with him, if the child grows up with this feeling, then loneliness becomes a habitual state for him .
— That is, nothing good can happen in loneliness, because this condition is already initially a consequence of psychological trauma?
- Not always like this. It all depends on how a person perceives this condition. You can perceive loneliness as a chance to understand something about yourself, as a temporary stop, a respite, when you can look around, see where I’m going, who I’m going with, whether what I’m doing is necessary or interesting to me. This can be compared to how a person is driving a car on a highway and suddenly pulls over to the side of the road and stops. I conducted many trainings on the topic of loneliness, and in the course of my work I observed how people’s attitudes towards this complex feeling changed. From the fear, sadness, and hopelessness that arose at the mere memory of loneliness, many moved on to understanding and recognizing the need for loneliness for their soul, for communication with God, for self-knowledge. In solitude you have the opportunity to think in silence, restore strength, and understand yourself.
— It turns out that loneliness is good as a temporary state?
- It depends on the person and how he “uses” his loneliness. You can get “stuck” in this state and remain living “on the sidelines,” or you can live this time fruitfully. It is important to remember that often loneliness is a person’s choice, and not a forced state into which he finds himself. Sometimes a person who complains of loneliness could change the situation and get out of this state if he wanted.
But people do not always take advantage of their opportunities, because, in fact, loneliness can also be beneficial. For example, it happens that you want to help a person, and in response to his complaints, “I’m so tired of being alone! What should I do?”, you begin to offer him options for exit, but he stubbornly refuses, rejecting all your proposals. And at some point the question arises: does this person really want to do something about his loneliness? Here is an example of a typical dialogue:
— If you feel lonely, go to a temple where there is a community. Parishioners often go on interesting pilgrimage trips, and you will be able to meet someone.
- Yes, but I don’t have time for that. And on Sunday I want to sleep and sit at home, I work all week.
- If you can’t on Sunday, go on Saturday evening.
- Yes, it would be possible, but I have a TV series on Saturday evening, I can’t miss it.
- Well, okay, let's not take days off. And at work, maybe there are some interesting people who can I talk to?
- Oh, yes. But we have such a team at work that I’d rather not communicate with anyone there.
And no matter how many new options you offer such a person, in response you will hear: “Yes, but...”. After such a conversation, one gets the feeling that he is satisfied with the state in which he is.
Often, when a person is alone and “suffers” from it, he receives a lot of advantages, and uses these advantages. Everyone feels sorry for him, everyone sympathizes with him, and tries to help him. It also happens that loneliness is used as a good excuse: “If only I weren’t lonely, then I would... But so, I can’t do anything.”
— It turns out that lonely people are, to put it exaggeratedly, “lazy people” who don’t want to strain themselves once again?
- No, they are not lazy, they are simply afraid to leave their “shell” and “go out into the world.” Loneliness may already be familiar to them, it is known, familiar, they have adapted to this state. For us, one of the biggest fears in life is the fear of the new, the fear of uncertainty. In solitude, everything is defined, everything is clear, everything is programmed, the illusion is created that the situation is under control. As soon as you come out of loneliness, you are faced with the fact that you are not able to control another person. And frightening uncertainty appears. How to behave with him/her? What should I tell him/her? How to react? How to avoid making a mistake and not seem funny and stupid to him/her? Many questions and concerns immediately arise.
- Why are some people afraid and others not?
— Because some people have developed basic trust and a sense of self-worth, while others have not. Some people give themselves the right to make mistakes, while others prefer not to take risks. Some people just have a little more strength and courage.
- So, lonely people are cowards?
- No, not cowards. They just haven’t met their strength and don’t know the potential that lies within them.
- How can I meet her?
— Good question. The answer to this will be specific therapeutic work. Let us outline just a few steps of this difficult path. Firstly, it is necessary to recognize the unconditional value of one’s own personality and the potential inherent in the Creator. Secondly, we will have to find and work out a “nuclear situation” where communication with our own inner strength. It is also important to provide yourself with friendly support from the outside - there are always people who need us and who need us, and finding such people is not so difficult if you want. Here we can recall the Eastern wisdom that “He who does not want looks for reasons, and he who wants looks for ways.”
If I am tired of my loneliness, then I will do something, look for something. Orthodox church, the community is a wonderful place where it is possible to “cure” from loneliness, because there is always something to put your strength into. Especially in parishes involved in various social ministries, for example, in orphanages, hospitals, prisons. Help, go and you are no longer alone, and they are already waiting for you, and you are already welcome. But before meeting the Other, a person needs to meet himself, accept himself and his life with humility and gratitude to God.
The main feeling associated with loneliness is a feeling of inner emptiness. And our biggest mistake is that we are trying to fill this void with relationships. Filling the inner emptiness is possible only by establishing a connection with God. Because mine inner world– this is a place for me and for God. And since this is difficult, it requires inner work, labor, spiritual search, personal growth, that is, it is really difficult, then we try to take the simple path, as it seems to us. Find a person who will make us happy, who will fill our emptiness. But this is the wrong way. The core of our inner life is a connection with God. This may be the feeling that the Lord loves me, the Lord accepts me, that I owe my life to Him, that I am responsible for how I live my life, because the Lord gave it to me, but He will ask me.
— And if there is almost no feeling of communion with God, we are not like Seraphim of Sarov?
- This is the vector in the direction in which we are moving. It is important to see the future and start moving in the right direction. It rarely happens that after making a decision everything changes immediately. It would be naive to count on this.
- Why in modern world more loneliness if the original idea is that its roots go back to childhood?
“This is partly due to the fact that now most of the population lives in cities.
— It would seem that there are more people in cities, which means there are more opportunities for making acquaintances?
- Nothing like this. My apartment is separate, there is an elevator, I don’t know the neighbors. In the villages this was impossible, because whether a person wanted it or not, he was included in village life. Everyone in the city is very isolated. Plus, now we have the Internet, people can work, pay bills, and shop without ever leaving their home. A person can minimize their communication to ordering products over the phone. In this sense, the city is an ideal place for loneliness to “thrive”.
Our yards have now disappeared, and children are sitting at home. With those who go to kindergarten, also the question is - were they lucky? After all, it is good to send a child to kindergarten after four or four and a half years, when he really wants to communicate. Until the age of 4.5 years, a child should grow up at home and communicate with other children on the playground, in various clubs. But if the child is the only one in the family, communicates only with adults, and adults communicate with the TV, then, in the end, the child is left to his own devices. Now the city has all the conditions for loneliness to become a way of life.
— What should you do to gain understanding of your soul, your personality?
— It is necessary for a person to develop a feeling of his life and his personality as a fairly high value. When we don’t feel this value, we begin to dissolve in those around us, to live by other people’s interests and needs. It seems to us that the life of another person is more important, and we devalue our own life, thereby betraying ourselves. As a result, it begins to seem that our life does not exist, we are an empty place... All attempts to fill the emptiness are ineffective or bring only temporary relief. And heavy childhood experience, and stereotypes imposed from outside, and one’s own lack of faith - there are many different reasons.
“Losing oneself”, abandoning oneself is not only the result of a difficult childhood, but also a choice, sometimes unconscious, of the person himself. The point here is not that we are abnormal. According to some statistics, 89% of the population, to one degree or another, need psychological assistance, and the remaining 11%, as some sadly joke, are either underexamined or cannot be helped. There is no doom in this loss of oneself, but there are many tasks for personal growth. We all had, relatively speaking, injuries.
Someone was admitted to the hospital for a week and the mother was not allowed in - trauma. Mom and dad went on a business trip and left it with my grandmother for a month—trauma. All separations from parents, especially long ones, up to five years, are traumatic; nurseries, boarding schools and the “five-day period” are not discussed at all. If we remember our childhood simply by the facts, it is clear that we have enough reasons to lose our sense of self even in childhood. And this is not our fault, this is our misfortune. And by the way, it's not our parents' fault.
Finding someone to blame for this situation is the most unfruitful thing you can do. Because, firstly, if we believe that our life is an attempt to mock us or punish us, then this is a claim not to our parents, but to God. But if we still believe that the Lord loves us, and He did the maximum to save our soul, then we come to the conclusion that the conditions in which we grew up, the suffering that we endured and yet survived this, were given to us so that we would become stronger, so that we would understand something, so that we might become, perhaps, somewhere softer, somewhere more tolerant, somewhere reconciled. That is, trials are sent to us for growth, and not to humiliate us, insult us, or mock us.
“I must say that before this conversation I felt healthier.”.
- “Many knowledge - many sorrows”, “woe from mind”... It is no coincidence that these phrases have become catchphrases. Any information that sheds light on something that we previously did not notice or hid from ourselves can be perceived painfully. Psychology is the field of knowledge that directly concerns the individual. When you recognize certain patterns and apply them to yourself, it suddenly turns out that some of the illusions in which you lived begin to crumble. At the very first lesson, we warn students to keep in mind that even a simple lecture on psychology can stir up very deep feelings in them. This box of paper handkerchiefs on my desk is just our “working tool.”
— How long do you need to work with a psychologist to clarify all the points for yourself?
- It depends on the person himself, on the atmosphere in which he currently lives, on his past experience, on his family. If a person had a more or less normal childhood, and childhood experiences were limited to the fact that his parents sent him to his grandmother for the summer, this is one option. Another option is when a child grew up without a father, or someone in his family suffered from alcoholism - these factors lead to quite serious distortions in personality development. There are also more difficult situations, for example, when a mother committed suicide. Of course, this cannot but affect a person’s life in some way. But at the same time, there is no predetermination or fatalism here. There are people who go through grief and loss and become stronger and wiser. And someone becomes embittered and loses faith. A person always has a choice!
The work of finding your lost “I” sometimes lasts six months or a year, and sometimes lasts a lifetime. Everything is very individual. For each person, this is their own path, which depends on their experience.
Over the course of several meetings, contact is established with a psychologist. After all, in order for deep work to begin, trusting human relationships are necessary. At the first meetings, we, as a rule, try to figure out not so much the reasons for the person’s difficulties, but rather his “plans,” what the person wants, where he is going. This is a very serious matter, so some time is spent focusing on the goals of psychotherapy for a specific person.
Most often they come with the question: “How can I make him come back?”; or: “How can I get men to pay attention to me?”; or: “How can I make my mother learn to understand me?”; or: “I want him to change, to become better! How can I achieve this? In other words: “Teach me how to manage my loved ones so that they behave the way I need them!”, that is, “teach me how to manipulate people.” But such an attitude towards another person from the point of view of Christian psychology is unacceptable. Here one of the fundamental principles is violated: respect for the freedom of the Individual. You have to work with such requests to reformulate them. It is important to help a person return to himself, to his life, to give up the desire to re-educate his mother, “remake” his husband, “improve” his son, make his girlfriend “more comfortable”.
The psychologist’s task is also to help a person learn to find resources within himself that will allow him to deal with difficulties on his own.
We must not forget that psychotherapy is still a “surrogate”, and it does not replace full-fledged personal friendly communication. Of course, between the psychologist and the person who turned to him for help, contact arises, a meeting takes place, but psychotherapy presupposes a fixed time, a certain payment. There are also a number of ethical rules that do not allow the therapeutic relationship to be transformed into “family friendship.” Even though such communication can be very deep, it still does not replace friendship, it does not replace love, pastoral communication. This is an appeal to a specialist who helps to understand something, change something, but the relationship with him does not develop into friendship, and people need personal relationships. It is possible to learn how to build trusting personal relationships!
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This is probably when we don’t let anyone into our soul. Or maybe it comes when we acutely feel that no one needs our soul. Sometimes both options are combined.
Or maybe this is simply a person’s awareness of his existence? I am, and truly, experientially, I only know that I am. Therefore, I am, in principle, existentially alone. Perhaps Sartre or Camus would have answered this way. But this answer is missing something. Or better yet, Someone.
We continue to search for the answer.
Loneliness is suffering. Indeed, alone you are always left alone with your pain. And, probably, most of humanity will equate loneliness with suffering.
However, in history there have always been people who themselves sought loneliness. There are many of them from writers, artists, musicians. They flee from the world in order to subsequently give it the fruits of their solitude. Brilliant music that we admire. Pictures that gather millions of people around them. Books that amaze with the depth of thinking. All this is born of creative loneliness - and it is always accompanied by the artist’s inner suffering.
Geniuses are people who seek loneliness and at the same time suffer from it. Everyone else also suffers from loneliness, but they run away from it.
The human soul naturally desires to open itself to someone, to share itself and to feed from another soul. But at the same time, allowing a person very close to us, we feel discomfort due to the invasion of the holy of holies of our heart and the inevitable bitterness of misunderstanding.
This situation was described by Schopenhauer in his famous “porcupine dilemma.” When porcupines are cold, they huddle together to keep warm. Feeling the pain from the needles, the animals scatter, but soon freeze and come closer again, gradually finding an acceptable distance. Thus, internal emptiness and coldness push people towards each other, but, having received mutual wounds, they separate - in order to come together again when loneliness becomes unbearable. Secular politeness and generally accepted culture of behavior are nothing more than a safe distance between our solitudes.
In general, Schopenhauer has simply devastating aphorisms on this topic, both accurate and bitter. For example: “People’s sociability is based not on the love of society, but on the fear of loneliness.” Or: “Each person can be himself only while he is alone.”
We will not be asked in the next world how we were loved here. They will ask if we loved
Along with the development of megacities, the strange phenomenon of loneliness in big cities has become widespread. It turns out that the larger the crowd bustling around you, the sharper the blade of loneliness can be, cutting your heart. Why? Because you understand that they live their lives, not yours. A huge number of “not you”, who have nothing to do with your person, poison the soul in proportion to their number. The more “not you” there are, the more lonely you feel.
If in this faceless crowd there is someone thinking about you and waiting to meet you, then the feeling of abandonment and uselessness seems to go away. But someone else's love is like a drug. The more you use, the more addicted you become. On the other hand, you get used to it and value it less. Truly victory over the depression of loneliness comes when you learn to love others and give yourself to them. So it was, is and will be. Any psychologist will tell dozens of stories about how their patients overcame an internal crisis through service to others. And indeed, in the next world they will not ask us how they loved us here. They will ask if we loved.
For someone who is inclined to think and loves to learn, solitude can become a school of self-knowledge and knowledge of God. If a person secludes himself and reduces communication with the world to a minimum, three possible options development of the situation. Either he cannot stand it and interrupts his peace, or he goes crazy, or tension begins in his soul. inner work.
I remember Chekhov’s wonderful story “The Bet”. A wealthy banker and a poor young lawyer bet: if the lawyer spends fifteen years in solitary confinement, he will receive two million rubles from the banker. Having settled in an outbuilding in the banker's garden, the young man went through several stages of development. The first year he was bored, read novels and detective stories, played the piano. In the second year the music stopped, and the hermit demanded volumes of classics. In the fifth year, the prisoner asked for wine, and the piano began to play again. Books were not read during this period. In the sixth year, the lawyer began to scrupulously study foreign languages, philosophy and history. After the tenth year, the sage spent days and nights reading only the Gospel. Then books on the history of religions and theology were requested. During the last two years of solitude, the recluse read everything indiscriminately. Five hours before the end of his fifteen-year sentence, he left the outhouse, thereby breaking his bet. The note he left said that he no longer needed millions. Years of loneliness spent in self-education and self-knowledge led to God and resolved the question of the meaning of life.
But here is a case not from literature, but from life very famous person– the last ataman of the Zaporozhye Sich, Peter Kalnyshevsky. After the abolition of the Sich, an 85-year-old Cossack was sent to prison Solovetsky Monastery, where he spent 25 years in cramped solitary confinement. He was allowed outside three times a year: at Christmas, Easter and Transfiguration. After the pardon, 110-year-old Kalnyshevsky refused to return to Ukraine and remained in the monastery. He lived on Solovki for almost three more years, spending most of his time in prayer. Now he is glorified as a locally revered saint of the Zaporozhye diocese.
“Personality matures alone, in a cold void, in which it is clear to a person: he has to be born and die alone. In this emptiness a person begins to pray. And then the emptiness is filled with God, past life is comprehended, eternity becomes obvious,” writes a modern preacher.
Loneliness shows us who we are and gives us the opportunity to fill the gaping emptiness human soul. Whether it will be filled with God, or the chatter of the TV, or an escape from oneself into the labyrinths of social networks - we decide for ourselves. But there are examples in history that can help us do more right choice.
When the Lord comes to a person, he is no longer alone
There is also a special loneliness - . Loneliness and monasticism are in some ways similar words. Monasticism - from Greek word"monos", which means "one". This kind of voluntary loneliness is also defined by the words: and God. Monasticism is me and God. Or better yet: God and me. If monasticism is like this, then it becomes the true and only justification for loneliness. However, what should a layman talk about monasticism? It is like a beautiful but closed treasure chest. You can admire. It is impossible to feel and understand while remaining in the world.
However, he wrote about “monks in tailcoats,” that is, about laymen leading a real evangelical life, who know about mental prayer and other exploits not only from books, but from personal experience. And in Saint Theophan the Recluse one can find similar thoughts. The saint himself sent letters from seclusion to a certain lay landowner asking for advice in prayer. Subsequently, the wonderful preacher and writer Archpriest Valentin Sventsitsky developed the theme of “monks in tailcoats” into his idea of a “monastery in the world.” So loneliness filled with God is an ideal that is achievable outside the walls of a monastic monastery. Only then is it probably better to use the word “solitude.” When the Lord comes to a person, he is no longer alone.
We will never be able to completely avoid loneliness, but we are able to meet God within it and come out of the shell of alienation towards people. And most likely, there is no other way out of the problem.
Do you want liberation from years of torture of loneliness? Become indispensable to at least one person in the world. Serve someone who needs help. Understand that happiness is being useful.
A hospital, a prison, a nursing home, an orphanage - these are the places that help you transform from philosophers into doers. Within these walls, the very quality of our solitude changes. In any case, despondency and depression are guaranteed to make room for them, because there is simply no time for them.
Loneliness is inevitable. It is a constant companion of any individual on all paths of his existence. This feeling is allowed by God and is normal for a sinner who has fallen away from the Creator. A branch that breaks away from the vine will always feel insufficient and lost. Is the person happy in earthly relation or deeply unhappy, until the end of his days he will retain the natural, ontological experience of loneliness as personal uniqueness and personal pain - that very “I am.” The abyss of our soul, destined for the infinite God, always makes itself felt to us. The abyss calls upon the abyss with the voice of Your waterfalls...(Ps. 41:8).
Solitude is necessary. It gives self-knowledge and exposes the age-old pain of the sinned Adam, who to this day hides from the Lord in the bushes of his loneliness. From under these branches you need to come out to meet the Creator and His creation. Yes, following this path can be even more painful than sitting in Adam’s bushes. But only on this road will the abyss of our soul find the One Who is capable of filling it, and will meet those who carry the same depths inside. “Call to the Creator from the abyss of your heart, and He will fill your limited infinity,” this is what loneliness tells us.
It is for this meeting that the incessant voice of loneliness resounds within us, and for this meeting you and I live on earth.
I'm 23 and I feel lonely. There seem to be a lot of loved ones around, but I can’t open up to anyone. My mother and I have different views on life, even if I tell her about some problem, she perceives everything the other way around and in the end we will quarrel. And with dad since childhood good attitude but he is still a man, my father cannot pour out my soul to him. I have a young man, we love each other very much, but he doesn’t understand my psychological state, he thinks that I’ve just become capricious. Literally 2, 3 years ago I had girlfriends, but it turned out that someone married their husband, they had no time for me, someone just found another company and someone betrayed me. I want to be loved, given a shoulder to support me. I'm very afraid to stay with no one the right person. I want people to value me. I feel so sad that it’s hard for me to even get out of bed. I don’t know what to do, how to overcome mental loneliness...
Surayyo
Evgenia Sergeeva
Administrator, Moscow
Surayyo, good night. Please write, do you work/study? Are you currently living with your parents?
The psychologist will answer you after some time.
I study at the University of Information Technology.
I live with my parents.
Surayyo
Hello Surayyo. It is difficult not to have loved ones or friends at all who would show care, understand and support - I sympathize with you. Apparently, your parents did not give you all this, hence the feeling of your own uselessness, apathy towards the world around you and inner emptiness. In such a situation, you need to try to realize your uniqueness (you are a unique person with a set of external and internal characteristics, and only because of this are they valuable and necessary), decide on your interests (what activities bring you joy?) and life goals(what do you want to achieve in the family, social, professional spheres?).
Have you tried talking to a young man about your need for his attention and support? Do you yourself give him enough care and understanding, do you think?
Yes, I wanted to say not long ago that I needed his attention and he was offended that I was not happy as a result, we quarreled, maybe I was cut out wrong, we haven’t communicated for 3 days, he’s proud of himself and doesn’t call, but I want him to reach out to me. . It’s not that I can’t apologize or just talk, I want to feel like I’m not empty space.
Well, regarding work, I have no doubt, I was always confident that no matter what I did, it turns out that in the future there would be no problems related to work.
I believe that I give enough attention and want a reciprocal relationship.
Surayyo
Surayyo, you want to “feel that I am not an empty place,” and this recognition of self-worth begins not with the attitude of others towards you, but with the feeling within you. How do you feel about yourself? Can you say that you love yourself, even accept negative traits in yourself, can you take care of yourself? “I’m very afraid of remaining a useless person,” - but how necessary are you to yourself? Are you interested in being alone with yourself (if there are such moments)?
Your fear of total loneliness is natural: humans are social creatures and cannot live without contact with others. Another question is why this fear has taken over you so much that you have lost the opportunity to enjoy the present (what you have). Could you remember from what moment/situation did you first feel a strong fear of being completely alone? Perhaps something similar happened to you in childhood (long absence of one or both parents, when you felt abandoned and unwanted)?
It is inside that I feel this emptiness. And I can't feel positive about myself like this state of mind. And my childhood, let’s say, was not in a “fairy tale”. My parents lost twins older than me before I was born, and I only remember how they always fought, I hated them because of this. I always wanted to go further, to escape from these eternal quarrels. And gradually I began to hide within myself, returning from school straight to the room, etc. But their quarrels stopped about 8 years ago (after the birth of my sister), but this did not make me feel any better. I am very emotional, aggressive, I can’t control my anger, if I make someone angry or offend, the desire to beat him unconscious does not leave me. But I don’t know exactly when the fear of being alone appeared, no more than half a year ago. But there are no sharp reasons in my opinion. What should I do to fill this emptiness because in reality I am not alone? What should I do to feel needed as you tell yourself? This pain is unbearable, I want to get rid of it, please advise.
Surayyo
Surayyo, living in constant scandals between parents is difficult and I really sympathize with you. Your loneliness and feeling of inner emptiness are now associated with 15 years of living in a destructive family atmosphere, so I recommend face-to-face or Skype meetings with a psychologist. For now, read the article http://psysovet24.ru/47-esli-v-dushe-voznikla-pustota/ and try to adopt at least 2-3 recommendations (for example, try to sincerely talk with your boyfriend and ask him for support, find yourself a new activity/hobby and start doing physical activity (yoga, fitness, Gym), which really effectively lift your mood and help increase self-confidence).
Thank you.
Thanks again, the article is very good. Today I “shook up” my emotions; I went with my sister to the park and went on the rides. The mood was lifted. I visited my aunt and she was very happy. And about young man I haven’t decided yet, I’m still waiting for it to work, in any case, a short break won’t hurt (although I really miss it).
Surayyo
Surayyo, I am glad that you found the strength and determination to change the situation. You have started to act, and this is the main thing! Write about your condition and what is working, and what recommendations are still causing you difficulties. I think that everything will be fine for you.
I bought tickets yesterday, I haven’t seen my grandmother for a long time, she lives in the village because New Year tickets I'll take a week off on January 1st; the change in weather will probably help too. And there is a river there, I often went to the shore as a child, spent hours there, chatted with my married friend, dreamed... I’ll go there too, it will help me collect my thoughts, set goals for myself.
I posted a photo of a train ticket on social networks, and 10 minutes later a friend of my boyfriend called, supposedly to find out how I was doing and supposedly saw my post about the tickets (although at that time he was not on the networks). I started asking where I was going when I got back (he wasn’t bothered by my trips before). I’m sure that my boyfriend asked for it and I was very pleased because it’s a sign that he cares about me (quite in his style).
With this depression, I gained several kilograms and did not notice. I want to go on a diet and start running. I gave up running 2, 3 years ago, I used to run. In general, I want to put myself in order, change my hair color and haircut a little.
My mood is good (it changes a little at times, but I can control myself). The pain is gradually leaving you. You were right about your attitude towards yourself, because how can you hope for someone’s support if you don’t support yourself. And it’s true that I first need to change my attitude towards myself, and then the attitude of those around me will change.
Don't frown at the blows of fate,
The discouraged dies prematurely
(Omar Khayyam)
Loneliness is so different. Sometimes it is simply necessary, like a breath of air. And sometimes it’s heavy, sucking you into a quagmire of devastation and depression.
When loneliness strikes even among people, even with your family or alone with your loved one, you feel mercilessly and irrevocably alone. You try to break out of this captivity of loneliness, but you can’t.
How to get rid of the feeling of loneliness and let people into your life? The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan reveals.
The inescapable pain of a lonely heart
System-vector psychology explains that the feeling of loneliness is more often experienced by people with a special mentality - people with a visual and/or sound vector.
A person with a social personality is generally an extrovert who gets great pleasure from communicating with other people. The audience is very emotional, open, sincere, and will always find a topic for conversation. They are capable of emotionally very subtly understanding the interlocutor and are better than others in creating emotional connections with people. They do not strive for loneliness and are even afraid of it; they may even agree to inappropriate relationships, just so as not to remain alone. However, they also have situations that seriously interfere with communication and literally push them into loneliness.
One of the reasons is the severance of a strong emotional connection. Breakup of relationships, divorce, even the death of a beloved pet bring such people unbearable pain of loss. This can lead to an emotional closure on the object of love, a refusal to experience feelings. And this emotional coldness, like anesthesia of the heart, becomes a defense against pain. They begin to avoid people and avoid close relationships so as not to experience the loss again.
A visual person finds himself in captivity of loneliness. This impoverishes his emotional experiences, as a result he begins to experience various fears, including phobias and. These states are characteristic of visual people.
Another reason that provokes loneliness in visual people is social phobia. Visual people suffering from social phobia begin to avoid communication. Although the most the best way Getting rid of any fears is precisely communication with other people, creating emotional connections. Then the fear for oneself goes away, turning into empathy and care for a loved one.
Loneliness as an attempt to escape from the world
A person is naturally gifted with a powerful abstract intellect and the largest volume of vectorial desire. The sound people in their thoughts rush to infinity. This desire to know and express the infinity of meaning pushes them to study mathematics and physics, write brilliant music and explore the darkest recesses of the human soul. People with a sound vector create philosophy and religion, become writers and poets. In all this they are unconsciously trying to reveal common law world order.
Since childhood, realizing their talent and difference from others, they often find themselves hostage to their egocentrism - they internally consider themselves superior to others and limit contact with others. Standing out for their depth of intellect, they are often lonely. It seems to them that there is simply nothing to talk about with the people around them. Simple everyday conversations cause them boredom. And finding an equally intelligent interlocutor can be difficult, so the sound artist strives for solitude and conducts a dialogue with himself.
In addition, he has difficulty withstanding loud and unpleasant sounds because he has a very sensitive ear. Another reason to avoid live communication.
The loneliness that the sound artist chooses for himself, when “everyone is fed up” with him, is actually an attempt to get away from the world and from his unresolved problems. But loneliness does not bring the desired relief. On the contrary, when a sound artist focuses on his internal states, he experiences a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness.
The much-desired loneliness becomes a source of intense suffering. Moving more and more away from people, he focuses his thoughts more and more on himself and gradually loses touch with the world around him. In this state, depression overtakes him. Hatred towards others grows, the feeling that everyone is only bothering him.
After all, remarkable intelligence and the ability to concentrate are given to sound people not so that they can sit alone, self-examine and suffer, but to solve specific problems that are useful to society, and this requires communication with other people.
Loneliness as a result of the inability to forgive
It should also be noted that such a common problem as touchiness. Resentment towards a specific person or even towards the whole world as a whole does not allow a person to fully communicate with this world and receive full pleasure from life. Touchiness is a feature of people with. Feeling that the world is unfair towards them, such people have a harder time making contact with others and may suffer from loneliness and misunderstanding. Yuri Burlan talks about this problem in exceptional detail on, helping to restore the lost balance.
Seven troubles one answer
The greatest happiness and the greatest suffering are brought to us by other people. Paradox: when we run away from other people, not wanting to suffer from interaction with others, we thereby doom ourselves to even greater torment from fears, depression and loneliness.
There is no need to break yourself, convince yourself of something, or try to overcome your nature. It is enough to realize the human psyche in its full extent. The knowledge about eight vectors that Yuri Burlan gives at the “System-Vector Psychology” training reveals how the human self works, what dictates our actions, and this relieves psychological stress. By focusing on other people, using knowledge about mental vectors and beginning to understand what motivates other people, the sound engineer ceases to consider them stupid and worthless. He feels the joy of recognizing other people, the joy of revealing the human soul.
By actively becoming involved in the lives of other people, a person suddenly discovers that his life is filled with meaning and joy every day. And inner loneliness dissolved, and in its place came the feeling that from birth to the very end we are all inextricably linked with each other and form a single system, where everyone depends on everyone else, where everyone receives and gives according to their nature.
As a result of awareness, hostility, people begin to be drawn to you, and you to them. And then - goodbye, self-isolation! Goodbye, hateful loneliness!
People who completed the training talk about how the feeling of loneliness and emptiness disappeared:
“Before, I closed myself off, hid behind headphones, I didn’t want to look at people at all... I had a lot of acquaintances, but there were no close people at all with whom I would like to linger. Now you see right through a person, what he thinks and feels. Instead of hostility, a smile and interest in people appeared. The training seemed to build a bridge between me and another person..."
“I began to feel and understand other people. Their vectors, their states. This can be compared to the sight of a blind man. First he says: “I see people like trees,” and that’s how I’ve seen people all my life, this is still in best case scenario. And finally: “I see people as people.” Getting rid of the fear of people, which I could not achieve during many years of “training,” happened by itself already when passing the first level of SVP. I suddenly discovered that I began to receive great pleasure from contemplating people, unknown to me before. Fear gave way to pleasure."
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»