When I come home, one of the things that literally knocks me off my feet is the flow of advice. Sometimes it seems that if someone basically has something to say, he will definitely say something or advise . I still haven’t forgotten that this is just a way of life, but, probably, out of habit, it may seem that people consider you to be an incompetent freak, unadapted to life. They will give advice on how to raise children, and what potatoes to buy when you are standing in the dairy department, and how to apply cosmetics.
Actually, this behavior has always bothered me. Some vague people constantly interfere with your boundaries with good intentions, and you have to fight them off different ways. True, this does not stop them. And if you can get off the tram with an unsolicited adviser, you can’t easily hide from family advisers.
There are people who regard every problem and even every breath as the desire of the interlocutor to receive some advice or hear an opinion. This is considered a virtue, because “in our time no one gives good advice for free” I.e. You are incredibly lucky that you have such a wonderful adviser, full of worldly wisdom and who wants to sow good and eternal things into your life.
Well, what if you don’t need this very good and eternal thing? As it turns out, only 6% of people rate unsolicited advice positively, 56% are categorically against it, and 36% agree to unsolicited advice if it comes from “ the right person" Those. someone they respect or consider an authority.
Advice that no one asks for or expects often offends and irritates people. At the same time, many people have the opinion that the adviser criticizes, blames, or even humiliates with his comments. Sometimes advice is not only unexpected, but also incorrect, relating to topics that a person is not ready to discuss with strangers. Or simply the topic may confuse someone or cause him negative feelings.
Although many advisors consider themselves do-gooders and altruists, in reality their motives are often not so altruistic. When giving advice, a person wants:
1. Feel needed.
2. Be right.
3. Be loved.
4. Hear gratitude and feel your own importance (yes, thanks to Ivan Ivanovich for making us have so much fun).
5. Showcase your experiences, scars, and rewards (when I was... then I did... despite... and now I'm doing well).
Many people give advice in order to feel superior.
Anxious people often give advice. For them it's an attempt to gain control. the world. If someone surrounded by an anxious person does not know what to do, then their whole life can collapse and chaos can ensue. If people around act on advice, then the risk of chaos is significantly reduced.
Also, quite frequent advisers are people with pathological feelings of guilt and shame. They feel obligated and responsible to give advice because if they don't give it, others around them will get upset or get into trouble. And this will be a shame, and the blame will lie solely with the one who did not give advice in time.
A very common version of unsolicited advice is a banal projection. If a person sees someone nearby life situation or a problem similar to his own, he begins to pour out advice on what to do. This is how he seems to cope with his problem and does not do anything risky for himself. Most often, advice on “how to make a million” is given by those who have difficulty making ends meet.
In general, if they don’t ask you, then better advice do not give (except in life-threatening situations). You can give advice out of a sense of friendliness or empathy, but it may end up in an unpleasant situation.
After all, you do not always have all the information that will enable you to judge what is happening with another person and what to do about it. Yes, the problem of another person may be very familiar to you, but you still don’t know what the person himself really wants and what outcome suits him. He can say anything, but in his heart he wants something completely different.
Please note that we often give advice not only from our own perspective, but also from the point of view of our experience and imagination of what we would do in a given situation.
People often, when giving advice, transfer their own experiences and fantasies to others. Moreover, people very often recommend things that they would never actually do themselves. For example, girlfriends are very good at advising other women on how to build relationships with their partners. They never really lead themselves with their husband or boyfriend.
In addition, when giving unsolicited advice, you must take into account that people very often wait for it in order not to take responsibility for the choice or decision. Those. If something doesn’t work out on your advice, they will blame you.
So, they say, I did as this goat told me, and now I’m unraveling. And if they succeed, they will come to you every time for advice until they fail. Well, after failure, you will be blamed again. Those. you go to them with all your heart, he goes to you in the opposite place.
Others don't need advice at all. They already know what to do, but they are afraid to do it last step and look for information that would support their decision. They may well simply take the piece they like from your advice, do it their own way, and then again accuse you of “bad advice.”
But this does not mean that you should never, ever, under any circumstances, give advice. This needs to be done, but according to certain principles.
1. Don't give advice unless asked. It happens that people with all their appearance demonstrate that they need advice and want it, but the cockroaches in their heads do not allow them to do this. If people don't express their need for advice through words, then they don't really need your advice.
2. However, if such a situation has arisen, it is not superfluous to tell the person that you are ready to give advice or express your thoughts if he needs them.
3. Talk about your experience often and emphasize that your experience is not an absolute. Those. what works for you may not work for another person. Or share information about a question that interests a person. Give, if possible, several options for solving the problem. Let the questioner choose. When you say “if I were you, I would do...”, “you need...”, “all normal people...”, then you take responsibility and make a decision for another person. Because your expression already contains what is right and what is wrong.
4. Don't make plans for other people. This is responsibility for the actions of another, and... some things are difficult to grasp in theory. You need to gain experience in practice. You can talk as much as you like about diving and mountaineering, but a person needs to learn to dive and climb mountains himself.
5. Don't get attached to other people's problems. Give people the space and opportunity to solve their problems on their own. This is their life and they must be responsible for it.
And don’t forget that unsolicited advice is a violation of other people’s boundaries. If you go there, into other people’s borders, then this means this is your problem, which you have not solved for yourself. Take care of yourself and your problems first.
If you are pestered with unsolicited advice, do not be afraid to remind the person that he has wandered into someone else’s territory and is not welcome here. Don't be afraid that it will look impolite. It is very impolite to give you advice without your desire, so it is quite appropriate to rebuff the adviser.
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I try not to give advice. I hardly give advice. The most useless thing one person can give to another is advice. I try and hardly give. That's what smart people taught me. They taught me specifically because I often worked in areas where I was supposed to give advice.
When I was studying practical psychology and mastering psychotherapy, Dr. Alekseichik, in his characteristic manner, taught me a lesson for life so that I would learn what a stupid position a psychologist gets into when giving advice.
Long before I had the opportunity to engage in business consulting, Hulo Vooglide made it clear that when a consultant gives advice, this is the limit of professional degradation.
Well, and in politics! This is not even degradation, not a stupid position, it is almost a crime to give advice. And so many people are engaged in this criminal activity!
Everywhere you can only hear how some people advise this, others that! And this despite the fact that everyone remembers the joke about Ligachev, who gave advice on raising chickens, and when all the chickens died, the adviser was left with a lot of good, unrealized advice. The office plankton don’t get political jokes, so they came up with their own, about an eagle owl, mice and hedgehogs. It seems that everyone should already understand everything, but no! The Country of Soviets has not existed for a long time, but the Soviet era continues.
I have often and a lot criticized, criticize and will criticize Belarusian politics and Belarusian politicians. Criticize, even ridicule. But don't recommend it. When I say, for example, that such and such a politician should resign, this is not advice to him to resign. This is a statement that this politician is no longer effective. There is no point in advising him. He is a politician and must make his own decisions.
When I say we need to join forces, this is not advice to anyone to do so. This is the principle. And if I proclaim this principle, then I implement it.
I myself try not to give advice, and I don’t really like it when people give me advice. And always, when they give me advice, I try to think about why, what do they want to tell me, and do the advisers have any idea how I can use their advice?
Here, for example: This year the most popular advice was for politicians to work with people, with the people, to go to the people. It’s hard to imagine more stupid advice than this. Who do politicians work with? Not with people? Not with the people? That's all they work with.
But suppose politicians take the advice, what should they do? During his morning jog, Lebedko gathers around him... Who? The same runners? So they came out to run, not to hold a rally. I could gather dog lovers in a circle, they can stand while the dogs sniff. And tell... But it’s interesting, have the advisers themselves been conducting political information with dog owners for a long time?
Kalyakin sits down on a bench with the grandmothers, labor veterans, and talks about... What? About land for peasants? About civil society? About Lukashenko - suitcase, train station? Talk to grandmothers about prices not in order to change the government, but for something completely different; Eric Berne described well what, and most importantly, why, grandmothers are talking about on the benches.
Doesn’t Neklyaev talk to people at pickets? Or Sevyarynets in his colony? Ivashkevich and Yaroshuk with the workers, aren’t they people?
Oh, did the advisers have something else in mind? What?
For a year, two, three, fifteen years, advisers come and go, but the advice remains the same. And the argument is the same, they usually refer to Lenin and the Bolsheviks.
Again, I wonder if the advisers ever read anything about Lenin, or himself, or did they think about Lenin, as Lenin thinks about them?
What the hell kind of people did Lenin talk to in Razliv? And in Poland? And in Switzerland? Even in stupid Shushenskoye Lenin fished, hunted, etc., and did not organize a collective farm. The advisers apparently wrote an essay at school based on the painting “Walkers by Lenin”, so that’s where they got all their knowledge? Well, another episode about how, standing on an armored car, he didn’t know which hand to take the cap in and asked the people for advice.
What did Lenin do every day? Wrote articles. Is this a conversation with the people? Of course, conversation. Why not encourage our politicians to write articles?
Why don't they write them? They write, the advisers will say, but they don’t distribute it! Did Lenin spread it? Yeah, I myself went and stuffed Iskra into boxes in the hallways! I wonder, does anyone know what the circulation of Iskra was when they rolled cigarettes out of it instead of fanning the flame? Or "Pravda"! Well, no more than today “Nasha Niva”, and less than “Narodnaya Volya”.
The ideas of our advisers are taken from their own experience and myths, which were instilled in them by the same Leninist “Pravda”, but through the mummified Lenin, and when the circulation of “Pravda” was enough for every apartment. The ideas of our advisers come from total zombies and mass propaganda.
And since mass propaganda is massive, its content is known to everyone. The sad thing is not that politicians do not listen to their advisers, but that both advisers and politicians think the same way.
Another adviser here advises working with emigrants, especially in Russia, and in Europe too. Good advice. Let's try it. We'll send an adviser to Moscow. I wonder how he will look for Belarusians in Moscow? Based on blue-eyedness and multi-vectority? Or do they have the quality mark tattooed in a visible place? It’s stupid, our adviser is smart, and he will go looking for society, community, NGOs, in a word. He will find it. And there they will tell him how the members of these school societies interact... well, some with whom in Belarus, some with “Fatherland”, and some with “Belaya Rus”. And our adviser will discover that what he advises can be done without him. And if something is not done, then he, the smartest adviser, will not be able to do it.
Do you think the adviser will be sad after such a discovery? No, he still has a lot of different advice.
I won't make fun of you anymore. It's better to talk about Lenin.
So what did Lenin do there? Just don’t tell me that you drank tea with the walkers! And what did he write in the newspapers?
He also studied Hegel. How, that’s another question, but after studying the Philosophical Notebooks, everyone will be able to see what conclusions Lenin made when reading Hegel.
Yes, Lenin also wrote (for some reason, fool, it would be better to talk to the people!) a book “Materialism and Empirio-Criticism”, where he not only trashed Bogdanov, who worried him, and Mach and Avenarius, who didn’t give a damn to him, but also that something he formulated there for himself and the Bolsheviks.
Have you read this book? No, of course, there’s a lot of bullshit out there, and why the hell would a normal adviser read that. The advice should be short, so that it fits into two lines and fits on Twitter. Lenin is an idiot for wasting his money on such books. I would write only this: “Land for the peasants”, “The intelligentsia is shit”, “Appassionata inhuman music”, “Lenin lived, Lenin is alive, Lenin will be...” Oh, it seems this is not quite Lenin anymore!
What else did Lenin do there? Yeah, here the erudites will remember about the school in Longjumeau, and about party building, and about the theory of imperialism, as criticism and dialectical negation of the theory of capitalism, and something else.
So advise our politicians to do all this first, what Lenin did, what took his days, months and years!
Where is our Belarusian opposition theory? modern world? Who will do it? And who will fit it into the tweeter size?
Where is the Belarusian “Who are the populists and how do they fight against social democrats, nationalists and liberals”?
Where is “The Infantile Disease of Cool in Populism”?
Ay, okay! Stop grumbling. I started by saying that I try not to give advice, and I give almost no advice. I just try and hardly give. This is not at all the same as saying: “I don’t give advice! I never give them! And look around proudly!
No, I just try and hardly give. Because I have great advice for everyone and always. Even two!
Tip one: Try not to give advice!
Tip two: Never say never!
And third, just in case: Don’t listen to advice! Don't listen to any! Just beware of the words “never”, “none”. In short - think for yourself, decide for yourself.
P.S. Lenin, Lenin, he is a villain in content, but brilliant strategist. And it’s not for nothing that I wrote so many books. By the way, in 1917 his collected works had not yet been published. And people didn’t read them. Think about it, why the hell did he write all this? What happened in 1917 and later? And most importantly, maybe we already have everything we need, but we just don’t know? We don't know because there is no meeting necessary essays. We don’t know because we are too lazy to read a lot of books. We don’t know because we don’t want to know, we don’t have time, we give out advice left and right.
People love to solve problems: puzzles, riddles, mathematical equations, and other people's problems. When a friend comes with a problem, we almost instinctively strive to solve it. It is commonly believed that the opinion of someone not involved in the situation offers a fresh perspective on things and can open up new perspectives in the current circumstances. So why does it sometimes seem that the advice you offer with such care is not at all needed by the person who came for it?
Remember when last time, you were upset and wanted to complain to someone. What did you really want: for this someone to solve your problem or for someone to listen to you? Usually when a person complains about something, he is looking for support and confirmation that his feelings have a right to exist. People rarely take other people's advice (no matter how reasonable and caring it may be) because they do not want to lose control over their own lives and strive to make their own decisions.
What to do when a person complains about difficulties? Let's look at step-by-step “instructions” on how to behave in situations when you are asked for advice.
ASK QUESTIONS
Imagine that a friend says that he doesn't like his job and doesn't know what to do. You can give advice about finding a new job or getting a second education. One might assume that it's been a tough week and it's not about work. This all sounds reasonable. But what does your friend think about this?
You won't know if you immediately rush to give advice. Do not hurry. The first thing to do is get more information. What exactly is the problem?
« What exactly doesn't suit you about your job?».
If he says: " I like the job, but the schedule is just terrible", then you can immediately refuse advice " try yourself in something else" or " get a second education" The problem is not with the work itself, but with the schedule.
But even when you have a more detailed understanding of the problem, you shouldn't try to solve it. To help the person speak out and find a solution during the communication process, continue asking questions. May I ask: " What schedule would suit you?" or " Is a different schedule possible in such a profession?" In this way, you can help a person get to answers that he already knows, but does not yet see or cannot formulate.
EMPHASIZE THE POSITIVE SIDES
Another way to (not) give advice correctly is to pay attention to positive sides situations. Imagine that a friend expresses doubts about whether he should ask for a raise at work. Instead of giving a straight answer, instill confidence in him so that he can find an option that suits him. He understands himself and the situation at work better than you, and only he can determine best scenario developments of events. You can point it out positive traits, for example, say: " I know you're a hard worker" or " You have been working for a long time, and perhaps you want to expand the range of responsibilities" Be careful with recommendations, because if he follows your advice and it doesn't go well, he will remember who told him to. I want to help my loved ones, and this is understandable, but when it comes to their life choices, they must make them themselves.
DISCUSS POSSIBLE OPTIONS
By giving advice, you can inadvertently discourage a person from a decision that he has almost decided on. Openly discussing hypothetical solutions can help avoid this: it will allow the person to talk about the option they are leaning towards, and it will allow you to refrain from promoting ideas that run counter to them.
Imagine a friend complaining about difficulties family life, talks about quarrels with his wife. And you begin to describe that it is better to end such problematic relationships and find someone better. But what if he glosses over the fact that he doesn't want a divorce? You may alienate your friend with your proposal: he will know that you have a negative image of his family (despite the fact that he himself contributed to its creation). Advice in love is the most dangerous. It is better to help a person determine what he really wants. Ask questions that allow him to see: “ What would it be like for you to stay, what would it be like to leave?" Proposing to consider different variants, you bring him closer to making a decision without putting yourself in an awkward position.
The difficulties of your neighbor may bring back memories of similar problems in your life. Share your experience! This will help your friend understand that what is happening to him is normal.
The main thing is not to get too carried away and turn the conversation on yourself. You share your experience to show your friend that he is not alone, and not in order to speak out and solve your problems at the expense of this situation. To do this, it is better to wait for a more appropriate moment, when your interlocutor is not absorbed in thoughts about his difficulties. For now, just briefly describe your problem and the choice that appears before you. Explain how you came to your decision and what consequences it had. But emphasize that this was your choice - it is not universal and is not a panacea, but worked (or did not work) only in your specific case.
Imagine a friend asking if he should quit his job. If you are not ready to support him, you should not make a choice for him. You can mention what you usually do, for example: “ I always find first new job and then I quit" This is just your experience, you are not hinting that you need to do the same, but you can consider this option.
Original article:
Jennifer Artesani, How to (NOT) give advice. Psyche Central, February 9, 2017.
Editor: Simonov Vyacheslav Mikhailovich
Keywords: bad advice, advice, how to give advice
Preview photo: Onproperty
Photo in text: Ethicsalarms
There are two ways to refuse.
The first is to once and for all impress upon everyone giving advice that advice will not be accepted. The second is to refuse contacts with those who give advice.
Well, it’s up to you to decide whether it’s right to do this, since you know the current situation better.
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Comments: 7
Advice that isn't asked for.
In our country this is considered normal. It is a very common practice to give advice. It’s good that some people are already starting to think that giving advice when it’s not asked for is indecent.
There is only one argument - I wish you well, but you don’t want to understand this. I see from the outside what is the best way to act or say (apparently, what is initially meant is that I am smarter than you), but you resist. They will also call you ungrateful for refusing to listen.
At first, parents advise - this is sacred. Then school. Then university. Then work colleagues. And friends.
True, it later turns out that parents do not understand everything when they give advice, and they are not ideal. And the teacher at school is not always smart.
IMHO. It is indecent to impose your opinion!
To be offended because they didn’t take your advice is stupid.
And one last thing.
Giving your advice without consent, giving yourself such powers, is a sin. This is pride and vanity. And many, many more epithets.
And whoever can get rid of this sin faster will be very lucky in life.
And you can refuse in different ways. Say directly “thank you, I don’t need your advice.”
If the advisor is offended, that’s his problem.
If the advisor does not understand and continues to “pressure”, and your arguments do not work, you need to stop communicating with him.
A person must understand himself. You should never put pressure or give advice unless you are asked to do so.
And vice versa - if asked, turn yourself inside out and give your advice.
Advice that is not asked for is evil.
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Comments
Stop communicating with your parents? Great way))) Especially at school or at a university, when you are also economically dependent))
Do not distort) Sometimes parents give adult aunties and uncles such advice that problems begin in their families. And there are other parents who, under any circumstances, will tactfully remain silent, even if everything in their souls is turned upside down. The important thing is which parents the children will be more grateful to: those who refrained from commenting at the time, or those who “added oil”?
Why don’t people want to admit that imposing their advice, giving it out without consent is a sign bad taste? This is called bad manners.
And there is no need to complicate anything out of the blue.
It’s just that advisers and pointers need to be a little more restrained, gradually wean themselves from their habits, and everything will be fine.
Economics and law))
Another important aspect. Completely avoiding advice from people who consider themselves entitled to give it is only possible if you gain complete economic and social independence. While a person is dependent, he receives advice from those on whom he is dependent. They need it and they think that he needs it too. Having gained independence, a person significantly reduces the presence of strangers in his life.
But at the same time, an independent person becomes much more tolerant of interference in his life. After all, he understands what is real. No one can influence his life except in words.
Living separately from everyone and at one’s own expense sharply alienates a person from everyone who previously considered themselves obligated to take part in his life.
Until independence is achieved, in society and the economy, it is difficult for a person to get rid of the need to communicate with other people who are too close to his living space.
He will constantly feel pressure from society, control, attempts to help, often quite clumsy.
But many accept this state of affairs as a necessary evil. And it doesn't annoy them.
In general, if all this is easier to explain - work and live separately and the advice will decrease significantly, and those that continue to come will be received with laughter and certainly without irritation...
Good luck in the fight)
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The question was not posed in the best possible way. However, look.
A person giving you advice (without asking), wishes you well, wants to strengthen your relationship with you. social connection- help. Of course, advice can be both useful and complete nonsense. But here’s what I’ll tell you for sure: if you listen to advice, the person will treat you better; If you don’t listen, it’s worse.
Do you want a lot of enemies? - Please! That's your business.
But you can do it differently. Listen to the person, or at least pretend to listen. Then say that this is very interesting and valuable information, as soon as you have time/money/place/anything else, you will definitely take the advice.
The advice has been accepted, there is no need to follow it, the person has begun to treat you better - idyll!
A negative reaction to advice that is not asked for is completely normal.
A person must be ready to hear something smart or not so smart from another person. Advice should be given only if you have been asked for it. And if you ignore the desire of another to communicate with you, then it turns out that you are imposing your opinion on this person .
Advice is given only at certain moments in life that need to be grasped.
And only at the request of the questioner to you. Otherwise, everything will be rejected from the beginning and will cause a storm of negative emotions.
This applies not only to strangers, but also to your loved ones and relatives, especially children.
Why give advice if you are not asked for it? It is a national trait of a Russian person to start talking and giving advice when absolutely no one asks for it.
Initiative is punishable, so if they don’t ask or are interested in your opinion, then there’s no point in saying anything. Don't be offended if a negative reaction follows and you get the same response. The advice to shut up would be a completely logical conclusion. To refuse to listen to advice, politely ask for it.
All parents have done what they tell their children not to do. That's how they learned that there was no need to do this. (D Moore).
How much I love giving advice. You are not?
Overcoming the urge to give unsolicited advice is not easy. From an advisor's point of view:
1. I do this with good intentions;
2. I try to be good;
4. It seems to me that my experience can prevent a big mistake;
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There will always be Eskimos who give the inhabitants of the Congo instructions on how to behave in the worst heat. (E. Lets)
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5. It is my moral duty to intervene.
So the people who give advice are good people. They sincerely want to help others avoid trouble. And they absolutely cannot remain silent.
This is a common manifestation of human psychology: “you know better from the outside.” Often you really know better.
Advisors are divided into several categories:
1. Advice is given by a person who has never done THIS, but has an opinion and knows everything in the world. We ignore the advice of such a person and thank him.
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Everyone is not averse to giving advice, not knowing how to help themselves. (S. Brant)
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2. Advice is given by a person wise by experience and life, who sincerely believes that his instructions have healing power.
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I hate advice - everyone except my own. (D. Nicholson)
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3. People who have lived their lives worry, think and do not give advice to anyone because... they know that no one needs them. They only respond to requests for advice. They can truly change a person's life for the better.
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A person who is smart enough to good advice, usually you are smart enough not to give advice. (Eden Philpotts)
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4. People who, to the detriment of their lives, serve God and other people, believing that this is their destiny.
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People who did not listen to advice cannot be helped... (B. Franklin)
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However, the problem is that under the rays of other people's wisdom, most people feel awkward and stupid. And the mentor’s persistence often seems like bad manners and manipulation. “Look, if I wanted your opinion, I would ask.”
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Advice is like castor oil: quite easy to give, but damn unpleasant to take. (B.Shaw)
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People do not accept anything with such disgust as advice. (D. Addison)
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Giving a man unsolicited advice is the same as questioning his ability to decide and act for himself. That is why they perceive interference so painfully: it is very important for them to realize that they can always handle everything themselves. (John Gray)
The more respect we show each other, the more we will be respected and the more often we will be listened to for advice. And perhaps ask for them yourself. And we won’t feel unimportant because no one wants to communicate with us. We tried so hard...
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I like to give advice and really don’t like it when they give it to me. (S. Bernard)
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