Hello! I am a very insecure, complex girl. I'm trying to somehow fight this, but it doesn't work. I consider myself worse than others, often compare myself with others, blame myself if something doesn’t work out. I consider myself stupid, I am very often stupid, for which I am very ashamed later. I've never had a boyfriend, or even friends at all. I stopped trusting people. I recently met a good person and have already managed to offend him) I called him a liar) I am very ashamed. This is probably why I still don’t have a boyfriend or friends. I tried to change, read a lot of books on how to change, took action, but nothing worked. I even became the head of the group in order to somehow get rid of uncertainty and learn to communicate with people. In companies I am constantly silent and cannot carry on a conversation. I want to change completely, but I can’t. I love to draw and many people say that I am good at it, but I gave up on it. I got lost in my problems. I want to get rid of uncertainty, learn to communicate with people. I'm confused and need your help... Thanks to those who read all this nonsense to the end.
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Nicole18, age: 19/21/12/2013
Responses:After reading the book you will not change; only real action can change you. Play sports, it will help you gain self-confidence and internal discipline. Don’t pay attention to the external assessment of others and don’t be afraid to look funny and stupid. Don’t cling to the result in life - go easier, have more fun. Planfully and strictly carry out the tasks you set for yourself and you will begin to respect the path you have traveled, which will naturally increase your self-esteem. And there are a lot of these tasks, well, for example, choose one for the first month, then add another one in the next... For example, in the first month I keep my posture straight all the time, in the next month I also add to this the daily doing of something...
Sergey, age: 24/12/22/2013
Hello! And it’s not nonsense, but a very common problem. Keep drawing and pull yourself together. Don't lose your temper! Go to the priest in church and consult him. Start playing sports or dancing sports, and your self-esteem will rise. I wish you success. God bless you!
Galina, age: 28/12/22/2013
Firstly, this is your age. Secondly, everything stems from childhood. I doubt that I can cope alone. A psychologist-consultant is needed here. Good luck to you!
Ekaterina, age: 25 / 12/23/2013
I also don’t agree that this is nonsense. everyone has problems, both big and very big) and small ones too, of course) and many various shortcomings. And yours, compared to other people (at least me at your age), are still very small. If you are a little (or even a lot) shy and unsure of yourself, whose life have you ruined with this, why do you have such a heavy burden on your heart? What's so scary about that? You think that you have many shortcomings, but for example, you didn’t see me at your age) if you saw me right away, your self-esteem would become very high)) You wouldn’t find a more complex person anywhere)
I think you - good girl, you don't seem to have any particular problems. Are you living well with your parents? This is the main thing, because it greatly influences life and character, and the rest is not so scary. And then some people here write what problems they have in the family or in relationships with parents, and you, compared to them.. - you find fault with yourself too much, you want to always be smart, for example (but let’s do correct conclusion then, if you want to be smart, then that means you are beautiful, and this in itself is not so bad))).
The most important thing is what kind of person you are inside, and not what people say or think about you, if inside you are a fundamentally normal person, not evil or harmful, and you try to do the right thing, then everything will pass over time. A little suspicious age because you don’t know what situations and problems, shortcomings too (from which people suffer) other people have... you can sometimes read on this site what happens to others and what situations people sometimes find themselves in, and this will also help you, you need to live, be patient and gain this kind of life experience (and this does not mean that you are stupid, but it’s just that everyone lacks it, I also need to gain it), and then you will see that in our hearts nothing happens and what a bottomless pit this is in which everything is there - everything good and everything bad can be said, and if you don’t have a lot of bad things, then you can be happy, because you don’t have to suffer with it.. If you still have good character and correct outlook on life.
and uncertainty... I feel insecure in any life situation to which I am not yet accustomed, which I have not yet mastered and which I do not know well (I am not ready for all sorts of different situations), i.e. This is because I haven’t gotten used to it and haven’t mastered it yet, it’s not something terrible, it’s a common thing in general. You don’t need to see a psychologist about this, it’s just that it’s really all little things and everyone has them..
For example, it’s also not always very convenient for me to communicate, often I don’t know what to say, I’m stupid, but everyone is stupid and doesn’t always know what to say, this is generally normal, because everyone has and happens. do you want to be special? Better than me or anyone else)
In companies I almost don’t speak... I just don’t know why I need this, but if I knew, I would speak, but with my character it’s just to put myself on display, to speak just to say something or not to remain silent.. and why? is it bad to remain silent? silence is the same quality as talkativeness, it is no worse, if a person is not evil, does not envy, then what’s wrong with that? then this is modesty and there is nothing wrong with it. I don’t tend to be talkative, but I’m not angry, I don’t envy those who communicate, on the contrary, I’m happy for them that they communicate well, perhaps I would like to talk a little more, so that it would be useful to others, something that would please them a little, then this makes sense, but talking just so that people appreciate me, to become popular, in my opinion, is not worth wasting energy on..
In my opinion, you don’t have any major shortcomings, just a little unconfident, shy, but these are just small shortcomings.
You quarreled with that person in vain, I think it’s worth making peace with him, since you say that he good man. If he is not really a liar, then tell him that you were wrong, that you “lied” him, it will become easier for you))
All the best to you! You are normal, you don’t need to bite yourself over trifles, I’m telling you honestly :)
Be more sincerely happy for others when they succeed in something that you would like, then you yourself will not notice how you will change and acquire similar qualities - this also helps a lot.
Sergey, age: 34 / 12/26/2013
Why do all people who are not really bad consider themselves bad and inferior? Because they have the wrong emotions and some problems. But difficulties and problems in life are common and everyone has them. Only holy people who can understand everyone, and whose heart works normally, do not have any wrong emotions, and therefore there are no problems or any special inconveniences, do not have them. And ordinary people everyone has problems. You are a good girl, albeit a little unsure of yourself, and you are a little shy (you will say “a lot,” but this is burdened with a feeling of some kind of guilt, and not because you really have a lot of complexes), but you have a rich inner world too, and you are apparently sensitive, and not everyone has this, many people seem relaxed, but for this they had to sacrifice their feelings and in reality they have a closed mind, i.e. they are also constrained from the inside and this is all just an appearance, but inside they feel emptiness.
Feelings of guilt do not help anything, they simply cause even more inconvenience, and very often people have all their problems from this feeling (exaggerated many times compared to what they really are), and not from the fact that they are very bad in some way. If you are not harming anyone, then why scold yourself? Nothing special. If you are not harmful in principle, then you are definitely not bad, and if the person you mistakenly offended is not bad person, what will prevent you from returning the relationship..
In general, a feeling of guilt is dissatisfaction with oneself, anger at oneself, and one should treat oneself the same way as others. And if ideally it is good to love others, then why should you hate yourself? You are also the same person. How one living person can be better or worse than another. Emotionally, people may differ, but this is not an indicator, everyone is the same, some are more bound by emotions and life situations, some are less, but this does not mean that they are better or worse, and some generally follow the wrong path and are constrained by their own misconceptions, but it also cannot be said about such people that they are not living people.
And there are animals, some don’t believe that they feel the same as people, just in relation to their own things and their life situations, but have the same feelings, I think so. In theory, they need to be taken care of and they deserve happiness. Then why can’t you consider yourself a person like everyone else?
Get rid of the feeling of guilt - it is stupid, groundless and does not help you at all, and you will see that you are not bad at all and no worse, no better, but no worse either, and have more patience, your difficulties will pass over time, because Moreover, now you are at an age when emotions are strongest, you also need to overcome this period by somehow being more calm about the problems that arise. You didn’t write any nonsense - everything happens to everyone. All the best to you!
Giant Schnauzer, age: 30 + tail / 12/27/2013
It is also very useful to be sincerely happy for others when they do something better than you, in the way you would also like, then the same abilities and qualities will appear in you much easier.
We are all different, but we all tend to compare ourselves to others. Thinking about our achievements, we raise the bar higher and higher. It's natural to compare yourself to others and even envy them sometimes. But if we focus on our shortcomings rather than on what we could improve on, we have chosen the wrong path. This way of thinking is very draining and affects daily life in a negative way. By constantly comparing ourselves to others, we lower our self-esteem, which makes us feel very bad about ourselves. Resist the temptation to compare yourself to others. Learn to evaluate yourself objectively. Make it a goal to improve your self-esteem and learn to think better of yourself than you currently think.
Steps
Part 1
Understand the reason for this behavior- Do you feel good about yourself? Do you allow others to influence your opinion of yourself? If you compare yourself to others to improve your self-esteem, you build your happiness.
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Determine what you look for when comparing yourself to others. When you compare yourself to others, you place yourself above or below them. As a rule, noticing positive or negative traits character of others, we begin to compare them with our own. Sometimes this comparison can be useful, but in some cases it can negatively affect self-esteem.
- An example of a positive comparison: You compare yourself to someone whose qualities you admire. Instead of simply being jealous of this person (for example, because he caring man), you strive to be like him.
- Example negative comparison: You compare yourself to someone who has something you really want. For example, you are jealous that your friend has a new car.
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Write down your thoughts or feelings. Write down why you compare yourself to others. If you can, write it down immediately after the thought comes to mind, or if you can't, try to remember. If the memories are fresh in your mind, it will be easy for you to write down your thoughts.
Try to remember when you started comparing yourself to others. Try to remember the origins of your behavior and write about this time in a journal. Try to remember the first time you had these thoughts.
- For example, you may remember during your childhood when you compared yourself to your sibling. You can reflect on this situation and see the reason. Most likely, you compared yourself to your sibling because you felt that you were treated worse than him. So you can speculate about the reason for this behavior.
- The hardest part is recognizing the impact this behavior has on you. Negative influence. However, it can be an incentive to change your behavior.
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Evaluate yourself by your own criteria. When you evaluate yourself by your own criteria, you will stop comparing yourself to others. You won't experience constant competition. If you manage your life yourself, you will get the desired result. Evaluate yourself by your own criteria, not by criteria that someone else has set.
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Be grateful to people, don't envy them. Think about the benefits that others can bring to you. If you have friends who borrow high position in society, they can most likely help you become more successful in life. Instead of being jealous of their success, use that success to your advantage.
- For example, you can look at photos of athletes to admire their athletic form. Instead of envying them, you can use their example as motivation so you can change your life. You may decide to change your eating habits and start doing more exercise. Therefore, use these photos to your benefit, not to your detriment.
Think about how you value yourself. If you want to change, you need to look at yourself from the outside. It may seem to you that such a problem simply does not exist. Once you realize your problem, it will be easier for you to solve it. Be prepared that this is not an easy process. However, once you realize that you need to change, it will be easier for you to set goals for yourself.
Pay attention to your self-esteem. Self-esteem is a positive or negative assessment of oneself. There are both black and white streaks in our lives, and sometimes the perception of ourselves can change daily. Self-esteem is formed throughout life.
He had an older brother: he was taller and had broader shoulders. So he knows exactly what he's talking about when he says that comparing yourself to others is painful and best case scenario a useless, and at worst, extremely harmful activity. Joshua Becker - public figure, pastor Protestant Church, writer, blogger, father of two, and proponent of “minimalism.” The latter refers to a way of life, the motto of which could be: “Strive for what is important and get rid of everything that distracts from it.”
Joshua Becker quotes American President Theodore Roosevelt: “Comparison is the thief of joy” and offers 5 steps to get rid of this bad habit. But first, a little more detail about why it is so harmful.
Why is it harmful to compare yourself to others?
We always compare unfairly: we compare the worst we know about ourselves with the best we think about others.
It is impossible to compare without accurate measurements. But only fools believe that everything good in the world can be counted or measured.
Comparison takes time. Each of us has 86,400 seconds a day. And spending at least one of them comparing yourself with others is one second more than necessary.
Everyone is unique, so any comparison is unfair. Your gifts, talents, successes and achievements are completely consistent with what you came into this world for - and unique. Therefore, they cannot be compared with what others are doing.
By comparing, you won't gain anything, but you'll lose a lot. For example: your pride, self-esteem, passion and excitement.
Comparisons do not add value, meaning or joy to life. They just take it all away
The comparison is endless. No new successes will help - there will always be something or someone else to compare yourself with.
The comparison is aimed at the wrong person. You can control only one life - yours. By comparing ourselves to others, we waste valuable energy and invest in others what we should invest in ourselves.
Comparison leads to resentment towards others and oneself. Comparisons interfere with joy. They don't add value, meaning or joy to life, they only take it away. If you are familiar with these experiences, some or all of them, you probably want to know how to cope without them and where to start.
1. Celebrate your successes
Whether you are an engineer, a musician, a doctor, a mother or a student, you have your own way of looking at things, personal experience and your own talents. You have the ability to love, to help others, to serve a common cause. You have everything you need to do good in your part of the world. Keep this opportunity in mind and remember past successes - they will provide motivation for new achievements.
2. Strive for what matters
The greatest values in life are hidden from view: love, modesty, empathy, generosity, generosity. And there is no measure for these achievements. Strive for these treasures above all and ignore the definition of success imposed by society.
Sometimes competition is good, but life is not a competition. We were all thrown together at this very time onto this very planet. And the sooner we stop competing with others in an attempt to “win,” the sooner we can all start working together to understand our place in the world.
Comparing your life with the lives of others is stupid. But being inspired by the example of others and learning from them is wise
The first and most important step The way to overcome the habit of making comparisons is to appreciate and enjoy the work of others. Gratitude also helps us notice the good that already belongs to us in this world.
3. Remind yourself that no one is perfect.
Paying attention to the bad is not nearly as useful as seeing the good. However, it is important to remind yourself that no one is perfect, no one has a life without sadness and worries. Victory is impossible without overcoming obstacles. Everyone has their own troubles, regardless of whether you are close enough to that person to know about them.
4. Change the environment
Next time you catch yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and take a walk. Change your environment to encourage a change in thought.
5. Find inspiration
Comparing your life with the lives of others is stupid. But being inspired by the example of others and learning from them is wise. Try to catch the difference. Be interested in the lives of people who admire you, read their biographies, and draw inspiration from there. Pay attention to which attitudes lead to positive changes in life, and which have a bad effect on it.
If you have to compare, compare yourself to yourself. We should try to become better than we are - not only for our own sake, but also for the sake of those around us. Try to keep yourself in good health physical fitness And good location spirit. Try to move forward every day. And learn to celebrate the successes you achieve without comparing yourself to others.
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Every person strives for self-expression, trying to surpass others in something, learning and self-improving in knowledge, skills, and the ability to do something. In women, for example, this often manifests itself in the ability and desire to look better than her rivals - other women, hence their desire to have a lot of different things, cosmetics, various decorations, women can often dye their hair many times, change their clothing style, haircut, watch their figure, etc. Men, in this regard, are more conservative and their desire to be no worse, but better than other fellow tribesmen is expressed in improving their skills in any work, obeying the most ancient instinct, they compete in strength and dexterity, and just like women, they try to monitor their condition own body, which is one of the indicators of health. The desire to be better is a normal biological (mental) reaction of the brain, which is determined by the Laws of Nature. Call +7 495 135-44-02 and we will not only correctly carry out a complete diagnosis, but will also be able to quickly help you! Treatment usually proceeds quickly and brings a positive effect. A person’s feeling that he is worse than others is, first of all, determined by the presence of heightened, increased psycho-emotional sensitivity. In this regard, a person begins to pay increased attention to how he looks, what he has achieved, what he can do, etc. Patient: Woman, 25 years old, unmarried, does not use drugs or alcohol (alcohol makes you feel sick and ill), studies at the University, lives with her parents. I turned to a psychiatrist, psychotherapist (psychotherapist) based on a recommendation from the Internet. She described her complaints as follows: “The only thing that worries me is that I feel worse than everyone else. Everything else is good. But this is what causes all the problems. They tell me that I am a beautiful and interesting girl in all respects and that it is interesting to be with me. I often think about all sorts of nonsense, I don’t even want to talk about it! But not because I want to think about it, I just don’t have the strength to endure the pain of being the worst of everyone. Wherever I am, I feel terrible. It's like something is pressing on me. I'm too closed and don't know what to do. Self-esteem is too low. It seems I'm worse than others. I don't know what's wrong with me. At first I thought it was a teenage thing, it would pass. Well, I'm almost 25! I don’t want to go out at all, what people say about me scares me. I feel unworthy of this life, I always feel that I am worse than others. I even skipped school so as not to embarrass myself and stopped communicating with my friend so that she would not invite me to go out. I was afraid to go out into society at all, it seemed that everyone was looking at me and evaluating me negatively, and if someone laughed, it seemed to me that perhaps they were discussing me and laughing at me. From the age of 15 to 18, she lived completely alone, communicated with her classmates not much and very superficially, free time spent exclusively at home. At the age of 16, men began to look at me and get to know me, but the complex has not gone away - my internal isolation still does not allow me to live in peace. I try to put on a mask of self-confidence, but it's just a mask. At the age of 18 I met a guy, the loneliness became less, but self-doubt remained in me. It seems to me that he was with me out of pity. I didn’t have the strength to endure it, I broke up with him. I cannot communicate at ease and enjoy communication, I get nervous during the conversation, I do speech errors, I might blush. I often see that people with whom I communicate begin to tense up themselves because of my tension. I don’t have any friends, and I like to be at home, but I want to be different. I want to enjoy communicating with people and sincerely want to spend my free time with them. But for me, communication and spending time together is like a knife in the throat - “I have to”, but I don’t “want”. Or rather, I really want to, but as soon as the moment comes to go somewhere, I can’t and don’t want anything anymore. They say that a person is formed before the age of 18, and I am afraid that I will never be able to change and change the current lifestyle! Rave! I can’t even get a job, I’m so unlucky. I am a correspondence student. At least I have enough strength for this. But there is no personal life.” After the examination, the psychotherapist identified other manifestations that reduced the patient’s quality of life. It turned out that the girl’s mood was significantly reduced; she often experienced attacks of difficulty breathing, felt attacks of “lightness” in the form of rising “waves” from the stomach to the throat, and suffered from allergies to a large number various products. A psychotherapist diagnosed a manifestation of anxiety-depressive syndrome, complicated by somatic manifestations. The psychotherapist selected individual complex therapy. Treatment was carried out on an outpatient basis. A month later, the patient felt a significant improvement and wanted to stop treatment, but upon examination it turned out that the symptoms mostly remained and the psychotherapist managed to convince the patient to continue treatment. After six months, the patient noted that she no longer had allergic reactions to almost any foods, assessed her state of health as “a desire to live and love,” and met a man who proposed marrying her. According to the psychotherapist, the treatment needed to be continued. Treatment continued for another 9 months, after which it was canceled, with the need to follow the recommendations of a psychotherapist for rehabilitation and periodic monitoring. The patient got married, she has close friends with whom they have a good time on vacation, allergic reactions did not appear to any product for three months. Thoughts that she was worse than others were perceived as humor, funny story about the past. The patient is observed for 5 years. A slight deterioration in condition was observed twice. The first is during the second trimester of pregnancy. When I contacted a psychotherapist, it resolved within two weeks. Second – Three months after giving birth, when I consulted a psychotherapist, it resolved within 10 days. Today I have been in remission for over a year. Explanations of a psychotherapist: Pregnancy and childbirth can affect the deterioration of a woman’s mental state if she previously had a mental disorder or has an individual “weakness” in the development of higher nervous activity. This is due to sudden changes in the body’s metabolic processes, which also affect the woman’s mental state. With timely consultation with a psychotherapist, these conditions can be quickly stopped. Psychologists, when a person complains that he is worse than others, always claim that this is a manifestation of low self-esteem and the presence of formed childhood complexes that do not allow a person to “grow” in his own eyes. Psychologists explain the reason for the manifestation of the feeling that a person is worse than others is that all people, without exception, have an image of their own “I”, which constitutes the center of their personality. This self-image consists of an ideal self-image that is carefully guarded from criticism. And this balance is disrupted due to the psychological impact on an unformed personality, in early childhood, as a result of disrupted child-parent relationships, in one form or another. But, as recent studies of brain biology show, a person is already born with his own characteristics biological processes, which determine the further development of the individual, personal characteristics(character) and predispositions to the possible manifestation of certain qualities. Therefore, educational or psychological measures can only slightly correct this process of further formation of the characterological characteristics of the individual. Psychological impact can only speed up or slow down the manifestation of any physiologically determined biological reactions, which are reflected in the everyday mental activity of any person. Based on this, we can conclude that a person’s feeling that he is worse than others is a violation of the biological processes of the brain, which are determined by the peculiarities of the development and metabolic processes of the brain. The feeling that a person is worse than others can occur at different age ranges, starting from early childhood and ending in old age. The reasons for this feeling “I am worse than others” can be various, both external and internal factors associated with various painful changes in the brain. To the most common reasons changes in the biological processes of the brain, factors such as: 2. Infectious and somatic diseases. 3. Chemical damage to the brain - alcohol, drugs, toxins. The feeling that “I am worse than others” often accompanies the following mental disorders: 1. Severe, protracted forms of depression. 2. Complex anxiety states. 3. Endogenous procedural mental illnesses. 4. Organic brain lesions. The assertion that “I am worse than others” can be included in neurotic disorders is doubtful. Most likely, in such cases we should talk about an insufficient examination and an incorrect diagnosis. Since neurosis is a mild, borderline mental state, which is formed as a result of psychogenic factors affecting the higher nervous system. Therefore, when conducting an examination, a psychiatrist, psychotherapist (psychotherapist) pays Special attention the patient's complaints that he feels that he is worse than others. This feeling must be clearly classified in order to accurately determine the true causes of this feeling and determine the context of which mental disorder it is included in.Patients complain of feeling that they are worse than other people:
Question to a psychologist
Hello. I am 25 years old. I often feel “worse than others.” Although I believe that I have adequate self-esteem. I am constantly jealous of others: that they travel, that they have a husband, or that they do things that I can’t do (like metalwork or good English). Moreover, I summarize all this envy and thus I compare myself with the collective image of a “superman” who can do everything that I cannot. I don’t like to brag (post photos to contacts, etc.), but I like to be praised. I try very hard to receive this praise, but for some reason, after my efforts, I may not receive it or I may even be scolded. I'm afraid to give 100 percent (for example, in creativity - to do work for a competition or exhibition). Firstly, it is quite difficult when you also work and need to do things around the house. Secondly, I’m afraid that if I give it my all, to the max, and don’t take a place, I will be very upset because I think that I do it well (and this is my talent), but according to the jury, this is not So. I'm afraid of losing the remnants of self-confidence (that's why sometimes I prefer not to even participate). I want to be the best, then I will feel like everyone else. I want to do everything well, but all the time some mistakes arise (at work or somewhere else), for which I worry and think “it would be better this way” (I just torment myself sometimes with these thoughts that people look and notice the mistake and think badly of me). And I want everyone to love me.
I don’t particularly like to share my experiences and thoughts; I keep everything to myself (unlike my sister and mother). I can confide in those closest to me, but only my family (I don’t tell my friends personal information, they can use it to sting more painfully during a quarrel; and I will be ashamed of my “weakness”, because I want to seem strong and carefree to them). I used to tell my grandmother everything (when I was at school), but later my mother and father divorced and my mother, sister and I moved to another city. I had no one to share with. At first I endured, but then life forced me to share with my sister and mother. But they don’t understand me, and sometimes they don’t even listen. Mom overly controls me and my sister (she took on the role of the man in the house....and a tyrant). And this control is not the kind when they ask you to return home at 23.00 ("standard" control has never been unnecessary, I am responsible and they trusted me). But they controlled thoughts, feelings and statements: mom is always right, we must do as she needs, etc. If you want to live peacefully and without scandals, you need to fulfill the following requirements:
do what mom says (if we prepared food, mom came home from work, but she wants something else, she needs to cook it;
Dad is always to blame for everything;
if she doesn’t like it, then she needs to redo it, serve it, bring it (even if she goes closer);
you must be humble about everything, and if your mother says to do it today, then do it today (even if you have other plans).
I always proved something to someone: that I’m not boring, that you can be friends with me, that I can. Then I realized that no one needs my achievements except me, and someone does it better, or someone is just bolder and he gets it, but I don’t even try, because I’m afraid. And if only this, but all this happens in a complex: few friends and rare meetings(and sometimes I’m even afraid to invite someone somewhere, because they might refuse... because it often happened that they refused (business and other everyday reasons); absence young man(I can’t even imagine where to get it and why others have it, but I don’t.... I’m very good); financial difficulties, loans, etc.; a job that I don’t really like (and I want to do something else, but it so happens that because of the previous point, I depend on this one, and I’m just afraid); a family in which not everything is so smooth; Well, the only thing that still somehow fluctuates is my favorite thing, creativity, something that I am confident in (but from time to time this confidence goes away).
I don’t like lying and pretending, but I have to do it all the time. Mom is kind and sympathetic with other people, but with us it’s the opposite (she, of course, helps us with my sister, but not like that... sometimes it seems that she will give away her last, ... sometimes this happened .... a large amount of debt ( which they don’t give back later) etc.....the sister also has this feature, everything to others, and then to the family.
Sometimes it seems to me that my sister is given more concessions (she is the youngest): I am asked to do something more, she is scolded less; when I have to apologize (after a quarrel with my mother... I always apologize... always... because my mother is always right), but in the same situation she doesn’t care, she just leaves, locks herself in the room.. ..and the next day there was no quarrel (and they can sulk at me for several days, even if it’s not my fault at all, but my sister’s (I’m just under hot hand got caught... and the funny thing is that in this situation I apologize too).
If you can advise me on what to do, I will be very glad. Thank you very much.
Hello Claire.
Your phrase caught my attention:
I often feel “worse than others.” Although I believe that I have adequate self-esteem.
It turns out that an adequate assessment is to consider oneself worse than others? Or, on the one hand, do you value yourself, but on the other hand, do you consider yourself worse than others? It turns out that in order to feel good, you need to constantly prove to yourself that I am not “worse”, without hope of ever proving it? Perhaps this phrase expresses an internal problem that is causing you pain.
Next, you write about your mother’s control and your own secrecy, which coexists with a strong desire to share feelings. On the one hand, there is a desire to trust, on the other, there is a fear of opening up. After describing control, it becomes clear: how can you open up if you can be judged, if they are trying to strongly control you? After all, intrusive control gives rise to a natural desire to close down.
So you signed your letter Klor, and even in English letters. How do I understand that no one will guess anything? You ask for help with something. I suggest you think about what is happening to you and what could be the causes of the problems that are preventing you from enjoying life.
For example, your secrecy is completely justified and may be understandable, but it interferes with your desire to communicate, because communication is very important. Without it, life stagnates; communication helps solve problems, as it creates a flow of events, experiences, and gives strength. What can you do about it? After all, only communication can help you correct the feeling of “I am worse than others.” But how can you afford it, because the fear of being worse prevents you?
What can help you with this? What is needed for this? What can you start doing here? How to understand your caution and how you can strengthen yourself to allow communication. After all, the absence of a young man is perhaps a manifestation of your secrecy, your fear of a relationship with another person, unknown and therefore dangerous?
All the best, Claire,
Kuvshinov Alexander Viktorovich, psychologist-psychanalyst, St. Petersburg
Good answer 2 Bad answer 0Hello Klor!
Low self-esteem is the basis of all your problems. You constantly compare yourself with others, you need praise, you are unsure of yourself and are afraid to change jobs - all these are consequences of low self-esteem. You lacked parental love, so it is difficult for you to accept and love yourself as you are. what you are. And those around you treat you the way you treat yourself.
You are 25 years old, but psychologically you remain a little girl who has not emotionally separated from her mother. You are afraid of close relationships, it is difficult for you to open up to people, and that is why the young man does not appear in your life.
Your mother is a “tyrant”, so you have developed a model of “victim” behavior that prevents you from living in a way that makes you feel happy. To get out of being a “victim,” you need to grow up and take responsibility for everything that happens in your life. This is a lot of internal work, and you are unlikely to cope on your own. You need the help of a specialist or a psychological support group, or better yet, both.
If you are ready to work, come for an individual consultation.
Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg
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